They Say Finding Out Hurts the Most

I feel like I've lost all sense of hope. Like I can't breathe for the time and I don't know how to catch the oxygen I need. I feel betrayed and I don't know how to stand back up. I thought I was showing some improvement, finally after being so self-conscious about being able to please my man and not feel like second best...and I'm betrayed. I'm the woman he says he loves more than anything, the woman he's fallen more madly in love with than he has with any other girl. He'd never cheated before, he'd never done it. And then I cause him to cheat on me. Yes, I did say cause. All of this wound up being my fault and I regret it just as much as I regret finding out. 

I had told him multiple times that I was afraid he'd cheat. All I ever done was told him that I was afraid of him cheating because I didn't feel like I was making him happy. And I was trying so hard, so, so hard for us to work and for me to be able to please my fiance'. Not taking into consideration that I was 30 weeks pregnant and I was still trying my hardest to please my man. Not taking into consideration that I couldn't do much, but I was trying. Telling him day after day that I loved him and didn't want to lose him and I feel like I'm not enough anymore. 

I got a taste of my own medicine of what happens when I try too hard to love the person. What happens when I try to tell my feelings of how much I'm hurting and how much I'm scared that I'll lose the man I love. Pushing him to make the decisions he's made. It may have not been sex that happened, but it was the intention. Everything had been going on for a month, just last month and I feel like I've lost a piece of me. Their relation(ship) had lasted a month without me even knowing it, but I knew it all a long, I was just denied the opportunity to even really find out. All of this happens beneath my nose and I'm told every day that I'm wrong. They never had sexy, but they kissed. They sexted about what they wanted to do with one another, he'd even left me the night that they were going to have sex while I was sleeping. 

I cuddled up to him that night, kissed him goodnight and laid on his chest like I did every night. He'd wrap his arms around me and I'd just fall asleep in this grasp. Only to wake up in the middle of night to find him gone from our bed. I looked around and no where was he to be found. That night was so perfectly played because I was asleep with the intentions that my fiance still loved me and wouldn't ever hurt me. 

For months, I've been trying to make things better for us and our relationship. I've been trying to tell him that I was to do things he enjoys and become more open sexually. Keeping in mind that I'm pregnant and I'm still going hard to try to open up and do things for him...and he has the need to find sexual desire elsewhere. I feel so lost and hurt that I'm numb. I'm honestly not having any actual emotion right now that could describe what I'm feeling. 

Where do I go from here? I want us to pick back up and be happy, but I'm afraid now I'm just not doing that. I want to start over, I mean completely over like beginning stage...I can't handle just picking the pieces up and continuing this puzzle. What am I going to do now? How do I simply just forget this, and how do I tell him and make him understand that it's hurting me more than it'd ever hurt him. The guilt he's feeling is nothing compared to the pain I'm feeling. How I felt like I was good enough for him and he needed to give me the taste of my own doing. He had to give me the everlasting fear of not being good enough. If I didn't feel like I was good enough before...for my own fiance. I do now. 

I have to face and I should have faced along time ago. I'm with a Man-Whore. Not a man that "was" but a man that "is" and forever will be. I'm the first girl he cheated on. And now I'm afraid of getting any closer because I feel just like I have in any other relationship where the guy cheated on me. Except now I feel like those women on TV that try too hard and get betrayed. Now feeling like I have no road to continue on. I don't want to lose my fiance, I just think now we can't continue the way we have. We can't just pick up and continue onto this path we've chosen. We owe our daughter to have a loving family and I don't want to lose it. She doesn't deserve to grow up with a split family (like I've worried about this whole time). 

Submissive Checklist

Submissive

Fired

I swear today's society and companies get on my nerves. Today started off great and then turn around and Jordan goes into work. He got fired today! Oh yes because having a hard worker that would do anything you ask him to do at work just isn't enough. Hiring a guy that was proving to you that he does everything that needs to be done and you turn around and shoot him down. We have a daughter that is going to be here in less than a MONTH! It's not like we aren't looking for a place of our own, it's not like we're not trying to find a vehicle that is legal to drive our daughter in. Now, we're just keeping our fingers crossed that Jordan will get hired onto this new job. We sincerely need it, we can't just sit around. We can't afford to just sit around and expect everything to be given to us on a silver platter. How in the hell are we supposed get by if you rip his job right from underneath of him. Of all the people you could just fire, you choose to fire one that NEEDS a job. One person that is in need of making a living and you just want to rip that from our grasps. They did not have one reason to fire Jordan, it's sincerely pathetic and crappy if you ask me. I'm just literally about to blow a top. How are we supposed to make a living now? We don't have any confirmation of any other place or the other job that Jordan's trying with, we just waited for this bombshell hit us and it definitely has!

Pregnancy Fear? I don't Know...

I'm 35 weeks pregnant today. Yes, as of today I am now only 5 weeks away from being 40weeks pregnant and the actual come day of my baby girl. But, why am I feeling so out of place and so scared? It's because for the past month or so I have been so scared of a fear that has began to develop. I'm afraid of dying. Oh yes. I bet you didn't expect to hear this or even read this part.

I'm so afraid and I don't know why. I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid of how excited I am to be a mother and then when the time comes for me to be going into labor, not being able to see my baby, not being able to come home with her, not being able to be a family with my fiance' and child.

I've done much research and so much looking up and it doesn't seem like I have a reason to be so scared or worried to die during or after childbirth...it's just a true fear of mine. I'm afraid of not being a mother.

TOP 10 Labor & Delivery Fears:

1. Making it to the hospital in time

Real mom fear: "I was scheduled to deliver at a hospital that was already 45 minutes away from my home, so that certainly added to my anxiety about 'making it there' on time in the midst of terrible pain." - Heather, of ThetaMom.com

Reality check: The good news is, the average span of active labor lasts about eight hours. And while technically that may not sound like good news, statistically that means your chances of delivering baby on the side of a highway somewhere are pretty slim. That's because well before baby starts to make his way down the birth canal, there will be plenty of warning signs that it's time to head to the hospital - like intense cramping, back pain, steady contractions, and/or your water breaking. And even if you're having a particularly speedy labor, timing your contractions will help you gauge roughly how long you have until baby arrives. (Once they get down to five-minute intervals or less, it could be game time.) But there's nothing wrong with being prepared for the unexpected, so if you want to ease your fears, make sure to ask your doc questions or read up on what you can do in the event baby comes sooner than expected.

2. Not being able to handle the pain!

Real mom fear: "I'm not a fan of pain and the idea of actually giving birth terrified me. When I was pregnant with my first child I remember whimpering to my husband 'I can't go through with this!' But of course there was no turning back!" - Melisa, of ProjectNursery.com

Reality check: We know - imagining all that pain is definitely pretty scary. But remember: Your body was made to do this, pain and all. Once labor is in full-swing, your endorphins will kick into high gear and for the most part, your body will take over like you've probably never seen before. (Yep, kind of awesome.) Of course, in the event the pain does get to be too much and labor drags on for hours longer than expected, by all means scream for that epidural if you need to. But even if you want to skip the meds altogether and go natural, there are alternative pain management techniques you can practice to help make delivery more bearable - like meditation and even hypnosis. Some hospitals and most birthing centers even have hot water tubs for laboring and/or giving birth, which can also help ease the pain intensity. No matter what birthing method you choose, just make sure you explore all of your options first. 

3. Having a c-section

Real mom fear: "I was terrified at the thought of a c-section and was determined that I would not have one. I didn't even pay attention to the c-section videos in birthing class. I was so certain I had taken all of the precautions to avoid any medical reasons for a c-section. I soon found out there are circumstances that you can't avoid or take precautions for." -- Kim, ofMomTriedIt.net

Reality check:Whether or not it's in your birth plan to begin with, you should brace yourself that a c-section is always a possibility. And while there are some downsides you can't ignore - like the longer recovery time, abdominal pain and soreness, and even a higher hospital bill -- having a c-section isn't the end of the world. In fact, recent studies have shown that up to 32% of American births are done this way. So even if you've got your heart set on delivering vaginally, don't keep yourself in the dark about the realities of c-sections, just in case. After all, you'll want to know what to expect from the procedure and your recovery if you do end up having to go for one. Just be clear that you're on the same page with your doc if you want a c-section to be the absolute last-resort.

4. Dying

Real mom fear: "I was deathly afraid of dying. I know how crazy that sounds but I really, really was. During my pregnancy I read two books, saw one TV show, and one movie that all included a woman dying in childbirth. It was only mentioned in passing, but I became " - Edna, ofOurLifeUpstate.com

Reality check: While it may seem like dying during childbirth is something that no longer happens nowadays, it sadly does - even right here in the U.S. But to calm your fears you should keep in mind that it's still relatively rare in most developed countries. Even if you've read the recent studies citing the national maternal death rate is on the rise in America, don't let yourself be too freaked out - this number still hangs out at a low rate of 11 deaths per 100,000 births - and all of these are usually tied to specific prenatal complications and/or poor medical care. Fortunately, though, recent changes in health care reform aim to grant women without medical coverage (or very poor coverage) better prenatal care, which should significantly decrease these rates in the future.

5. Pooping on the floor

Real mom fear: "I'm so scared to poop on the table. I don't care how many times I'm told 'doctors see it all the time and don't care'... I CARE!" - mopsie

Reality check: Yep, pooping on the floor while you have about five different people looking between your legs pretty much sounds like a complete and total nightmare. But it definitely happens. On the bright side, there's going to be so much going on down there, a little poop will be the least of your worries. If you don't believe us, you don't have to - we polled your fellow Bumpies and 33% claim that not only did they poop mid-push, but guess what? They totally didn't care. (See what other Bumpies said.) The truth is, between the pain, the pressure, the cheering squad of doctors and nurses, and, oh, the fact that you're passing a baby through your vagina, delivering a little more than just your bundle o' joy won't really be at the forefront of your mind. So prep your partner early for what they may or may not see down there and arm yourself with a good sense of humor. The rest will take care of itself.

6. The epidural

Real mom fear: "I was so afraid of having an epidural. I wasn't afraid of the meds but the actual needle going into my back. I wanted to avoid it at all costs, but after 20 hours of back labor, I decided to go ahead and do it. Luckily I had the best doctor, he was very comforting and the epidural worked great." -- storybooklove

Reality check: You can probably take all those stories about the epidural being some giant, terrifying, and painful needle with a grain of salt. While some mamas recall it as being huge and menacing, others claim it's not that crazy big after all. The good news: Since it goes in your back, you probably won't see it anyway. So just make sure your partner doesn't catch a glimpse and describe it in detail and you should be A-okay. As for it hurting - most moms agree that you'll barely feel it going in. Not only will the feeling of it going in pale in comparison to any labor pains you may be having, but your doc will also apply some antiseptic to your skin first before it's administered, which will help numb the area.

7. Tearing like crazy.

Real mom fear: "I'm scared of tearing and getting an episiotomy. I am horrified to think of my lady parts being all mangled." - carole&clark

Reality check: Some tearing is bound to happen if you deliver vaginally (sorry), but as for everything getting mangled down there? Not likely. If anything, you'll probably wind up with one of the two more common kinds of tears: first-degree or second-degree. First-degree tears (or superficial tears) are considered pretty small and only require a few stitches, if any at all; whereas second-degree tears tend to go a little deeper, reaching the muscle beneath the skin. As for more intense third- and fourth-degree tearing, you can probably rest easy: they only happen in about 4% of all deliveries and are often the result of an episiotomy gone awry. If you're trying to steer clear of an episiotomy too, though, voice your concerns early with your doc. Our best advice in the meantime: Try practicing perineal massage.

8. My birth plan going out the window.

Real mom fear: “I didn't have a written birth plan and was delivering at a large hospital, so my biggest fear was that a doctor or nurse would give me an intervention I didn't want without asking.” -- elizabe

Reality check: Written birth plan or not, chances are, it probably will go out the window. Birth plans are just that – plans. But since there’s an infinite number of scenarios that could arise on delivery day, you should pretty much prep yourself from the get-go that it probably won’t all go how you want it to (and if it does, consider yourself extremely lucky). If you may not be delivered by your own OB and are scared of others making hasty calls against your birth plan, then it's time to put pen to paper now. Even if nothing goes as planned, you won't kick yourself later that you didn't fight for what you wanted first. Just remember that in many cases, circumstances may take over that are completely out of your hands – like whether or not there’s an unforeseen complication with baby. No matter what, though, don’t beat yourself up if it all goes a bit haywire. If you've done your best to inform your doc and the nursing staff of your wishes, you'll have to trust their advice if they suggest a new course of action. In the end, all that matters is that you got a healthy baby out of the deal.

9. Being in labor FOREVER.

Real mom fear: “I was so afraid of being in labor forever! I would hear these horror stories of women laboring for hours upon hours... and some for almost a day! I just didn't know how I could have handled that.” -- krs15

Reality check: While it could definitely feel like forever, we can safely assure you that your labor won't actually take forever. Like we said, the average length of active labor for most mamas is eight hours, so the chances of you going beyond that point are already less likely. And remember: the pain will most likely not be fully constant. Barring any extreme circumstances, your pain will become a little less intense in between contractions, allowing you to get relief in intervals. Plus, techniques like Lamaze and the Bradley method could really help make the pain more bearable, so make sure you study up on each well before you deliver, if you're interested in trying them.

10. Delivery complications

Real mom fear: “My biggest fear is that something will go wrong. I had a horrible labor and delivery with my first and my baby wound up in the NICU. My only fear is having another NICU baby.” – tarebear9891

Reality check: The fear of unforeseen delivery complications happening is definitely very real and definitely warranted. Tons of different variables could come into play and cause something to go wrong or even just off-course -- like baby moving into a breech position or maybe your contractions not coming on strong enough to move baby along in the canal. But many of these factors may just result in a necessary c-section -- not all of them will mean that baby (or you) is in grave danger. And most of these scenarios will also probably be detected while you're still pregnant, so there will be less room for surprise (and panicking). For example, your doctor will be able to detect baby's positioning in the weeks leading up to labor, so any sudden shifts in movement are far less likely. So while it's pretty easy to keep batting around all the what-ifs in your mind when you're pregnant, do baby a favor and try to at least ease your worries for now. After all, baby feels a lot of the stress that you do; so quit your worrying (as much as possible, anyway).

Tell us: What kinds of labor and delivery fears do you/did you have? New moms: Did any of your fears actually wind up happening?

New Places? New Job?

Today and well Yesterday for that fact has been really shocking and very news breaking. Every bit of what we've heard has been excited, but now we're just sitting back waiting for a big stick to hit us in the face. There can't just be this, there has to be more to it. Everything is just too good to be true for us to just be willing to take it.

We went to a consignment shop yesterday to look for baby clothes. After getting clothes and such, we somehow got into talking about apartments and jobs. Somehow we've ran into a great person here in our own town now and we're keeping our heads held high. Sincerely just waiting for the bombshell to come down raining on us. This guy tells us that his family owns almost half of Richmond and we're like that's great. Then he tells us he owns Apartments and Houses, uh! What are we supposed to do here? We're so excited. We're really hiped about getting out on our own with our baby girl.

Then I mean, Jordan got up yesterday morning to go to a agency to help get himself a job, then they tell him once he's finished that he will probably most likely be hired on. So now, we're in the zone of new job, new place, and even able to get my dog back. So excited. Don't have much to say about the situation. 

The Sun and The Rain

The Sun
I hate the Sun
It's too Bright
It's too vibrant
It's too Happy

The Rain
I love the Rain
It's so gloomy
It's so real
It's got so much tell

The Rain has a story
The Sun does not
The Rain can tell each persons life
The Sun just brightens
The Rain keeps a persons mind wondering
The Sun...
Well the Sun Cannot

I'm within Your Love

Your eyes are beautiful 
They keep me rejoicing with Love
When I look into them 
I feel as if I can tell your story
Your love for me grows strong
Like a river deep and ocean that runs along

Your eyes are what brought me closer
But it's your love that created me so
Your love is what brought me truly there
To sit along the silver lining of your heart

Your love
I can't live without your love
How I long everyday to hear the sweet words of your love
The chain that runs through hearts
They bind us more through history
How I long to live for your love
Everyday
Any day
And forever

I Want to Name You

It keeps me wondering as what I'm supposed to call you
I can't call you this or I can't call you that
I don't want to call you something some other has
I can't look at you and let you be a reminder
I can't choose a cute one because it was once said

I want to be different
And give you a unique name
I want to do things that no other has ever done
Why is it so hard
Why is it so excruciating

I want to give you a name
I want it to be different
I don't want to call you by your first
I don't want to call you by your last
You're my love 
You're my soul

What can I name you
What can I call you
Baby I want to name you such a word
Something different
Something cute
But why
Why does it have to be so sane

End the Heartached Pain

She lied awake for hours
Trying desperately to drown the voices
The voices she had heard in her head
The echoes got stronger
She wanted to scream
She wanted to end it all with the shattered pane

Staring at the ceiling
She knew it had to happen
She needed to drown out the torture
The pain
And the sorrows
Wanting to scream for the torture

Too much to bare any longer
She'd grab her shirt and begin to tear
Tearing at the seams
She knew it was no longer possible
Her heart had already been brought
Brought to the surface
Of an aching tortured past

Pregnancy Journey

My life through my first pregnancy

Our baby girl 

Evailyne Patsy Jane Lamb

Pregnancy Images!:)

First Time for Everything

I still Remember
Our first kiss
Our first hello
Even our first goodbye
Every time I wanted to kiss you so much

The first time we Met
I'd never have imagined
Imagined this is where we'd be today
Your love upon my love
It's like we'd been made for Each other
Just never knew

I first saw you sitting there
Didn't know you
Didn't even know your name
It was our first time seeing each other
The way your hair laid upon your shoulders
How your eyes just glistened

I loved how your hair was in such a curl
The way that red bandanna kept me a stare
Your dirty clothes
And dirty smile
How I still longed to know your name

Days got brighter with each time I saw
Each solid time that I saw your face
How did I know
How could I have known 
I'd love you so
How could I have known that you'd mean so much

Our first kiss
Led to More
More than I'd even dream of
The first time you'd hold me
The first time we'd kissed upon measures
Your love is even stronger
Stronger than any other love could hold

Pushing Distances

It scares and worries me so
That my love isn't the purity
That you need
Or wanted

My love is strong enough
To move mountains 
For you
I'm afraid 
It's not strong 
enough
Just for you

You're the one I want 
And you're the one I need
Can you understand the purity
That I need
I feel the longing for Love
And laughter

It worries me
Worries me so that its not
Enough
Just for you
Maybe you want more
Maybe you need more
More than I give
More than I can offer

So Many Can Be a Bad Thing

A rose has it's thorns, some more than one. 
It's to let you know that life isn't easy, it's to show you the pain that comes with it.

A tree comes with roots
It's to let you know that no matter what you're grounded

A cloud will hold rain
It's to make you aware that even the slightest rain can be the cause of a thousand tears

A road is Neverending
It's to show you that true love never ends

A heart beats quicker with each touch
It's to show that you truly care for one person

If all of these things are good for us, then why if we come across one or more, 
then everything begins to feel like a fading, burning bush?

Family Reunion 2013

Family Reunion 2013

This was my first year spending any type of Family Reunion with someone else other than my own. Knowing just this time next year I will be apart of this family. It was a great experience for me and I can't wait to be able to spend this wonderful weekend with Jordan's side of the family again, even spending it with our daughter. 

 

Only a Few Short Weeks..Left

Four days until we go to my last two-week appointment for the baby doctor! After that I will be going every week now. I'm 34 weeks & 5 days pregnant today. Yay. That is pretty much the only thing that I can think of to say, it's getting so close. Might as well just say that we only have five short weeks before my due date, only two days before I'm 35 weeks myself. Our daughter is surely growing up a storm and I cannot believe that we're about to become parents, like for real.

Every day for the past two weeks I have found that my life is so perfect right now being loved and about to become a mother that it's truly been scaring me. I cannot believe that I have a man that loves me for who I am. Someone that is truly holding onto my heart and tells me everyday that he loves me. I'm still in my moments of doubt, I'm still afraid of waking up one morning and him not being beside me, but so far...he's definitely proven my doubts wrong. I'm as happy as can be and I can't believe we're only a few short weeks away from holding our baby girl in our arms for the first time.

There may be a lot of things that I don't believe in, but I'm truly beginning to believe that I'm blessed. I'm blessed to have such a loving family and my own little family to start. Can't believe that I'm nineteen and I've found the love of my life. Our baby girl will be here within the next couple of weeks and then next year, we'll be married. I love Jordan will all of my heart and I already love our daughter more than I could ever imagine to explain.