A Day Goes by...I still think.

I think it's funny how I can sit here and spill out my guts to a computer. How I can just sit for hours and explain every little detail, without having to worry about someone yelling back at me from what I'm doing wrong or what I'm not doing right. I just feel like when I'm writing or typing out my feeling's, I can get a whole lot more out in words than I can by saying them.
Remember, the other day when I spilled out my guts of what I was doing...knowing completely that it wrong? Well, the truth is...I know it's wrong and I know that I was taking a big risk and risking everything for a relationship with him (Allan). Now, I'm wondering...how far can that relationship truly go on if he is still with her? If I'm never knowing when the time will come that he will "end" it with her. I don't want to keep up a secret relationship with him if I'm going to be the one ending up hurt in the end. I don't want to take these consequences and it never go anywhere. I admit, I've already fallen for him; but, not fallen in love with him. My feeling's are strong for him and I just really wanted everything to work out; but, I feel that until he makes that big decision...I can't keep up our secretive.pathway.
So, along side that. Today at work, My cousin Michelle was meeting her friend. He came in and had a group of his friends with him. Michelle was standing beside me with her baby, Jayden. I had to clock back in from my break, so I asked my manager for her manager's card. When I walked over to refill my drink, Michelle had looked at me and said something. Of course, knowing me...I couldn't read her lips. I walked over next to her and she had told me that one of Merril's friends was checking me out. I didn't believe her. Nor did I believe him when he told me. I just walked away and smiled. She kept texting me and asking me "What do you think about Jack?" I didn't know what to say. I still didn't believe that he was checking me out, or that he thought I was cute. Well, when him and his friends walked back in...Michelle walked over beside me and asked for number for him. I just smiled and looked at her. Playing around, I said I didn't know my number. Well, Michelle found it and gave it too him. He began to text me and I just didn't know what to say until he told me himself that I was cute.
I have a feeling that maybe I'm in a bad spot right now. Maybe, I just don't know what to do. I feel like I need to talk to Allan. It's hurting me...and it is making me wonder if it's bothering him too. I don't want to keep this up and me end up no where. I want to be happy and I want to make the right decisions; but, I feel like that if I need help. I'm probably in this alone. Once again. No one is able to help me, except me. I believe that I'll make the right decision. It's just going to take me time to figure out what I'm going to do.

Silence

I can't go on for miles with silence.
I want to have you next to me, holding me.
I want to know that if I look to my side, you'll be there.
I want to know that if I was to walk away, you'd grab me and tell me to stay.
For you to hold me in your arms and never let me go.
To look at me and say "I love you" and that you'd never want to lose me.
Walking down a dirt path road and just walking hand in hand.
Not saying a word to each other, because even the silence doesn't make it uncomfortable.
Just having you there.
Just hearing your voice.
Let's me know; You'll be there till the end. of. time. 

Fighting Love

Why is it that everytime I look outside at the field across from my house that I think of you?
How come, every day I lie in bed, I'll sit there and wonder where we're leading.
How much time do we have?
How much longer do I have to wait, before you finally do what you keep telling me.
It's not fair.
I'm having to wait for you.
I want you to be officially mine, I don't want to share you.
I want you to myself.
I have been thinking lately. Wondering.
My feeling's for you are getting stronger with each minute I spend with you.
I'm falling...again.
I am finally moved on from the worst mistake of my life and I'm taking this risk with you.
Why? Why am I doing this?
It's because I'm falling in love with you and I'm going to fight for you.
I will either win or lose; but, at least I'll know...I did what was right for me.

I still Remember...

I still remember when we used to walk hand in hand.
How you would always hold me in your arms when your friends were around.
When I'd meet someone new you'd always say "she's my girl"
Now, I sit and still remember how we spent our days together and I don't regret those few months we had. I just think back to then and now;
I've finally moved on and I've found someone that makes me feel better than you ever did.


-By: Courtney Walker

Finally..Wondering.

For the past few days, it's been like I don't know what's going on in this world around me. Lately, it's just been a non-stop nightmare to me. If it's not a friend, it's my so called boyfriend. I say "so-called" because it's like sometimes it's like we're on a rollercoaster. My life has been slowly pulling apart from me. I know what I want and I'm going wind up fighting for it in the end. I'm finally becoming happy again, after three months of suffering and non-stop crying from being hurt. I've finally found someone else that makes me even happier than Dylan did. Zack makes me happy and when I'm with him, there is no going back.
There isn't a day that goes by now that I don't think of where me and him are leading. I feel like I can be myself around him and it's not going to go wrong or bad; but, everyday I spend with him...I live it as if it were my last day with him. You never know what a day can bring or take away, so why worry when you have that one moment you can always cherish. That one moment you spend together, just as if it were going to be the end of the world.

My days are getting shorter and my mind is beginning to wonder. 

I know what I may be doing is wrong; but, I don't care how I put myself into bad situations. I'm putting myself through all these places and feelings for the simple fact and reason that I am caring more and more about a certain person that I'm determined not to lose. I've began this journey and I am going to work at it. There is no turning back for me now. Ever since me and Dylan broke up and we no longer speak even one word to each other anymore, it's like I feel as if I'm falling in love...again. They say, you can't really know what Love is when you're young; but, when I was seventeen...I felt Love for the first time and it was with the wrong person. Now, I've met someone completely opposite of Dylan and he makes me even happier than he ever would. I don't feel out of place when I'm with him, I'm myself. I'm definitely...falling in Love...again. 

Stuck between Line of not Understanding my Love

Names are not Real. Covering up the identities. My story is simple, short and sweet. Where to begin is the question though. I'm taking a big risk with my life at the moment. My story is like this. A little catch up; Allan has a girl, and a baby. Apparently, there aren't anything because Allan can't stand her. The only reason he is with her still is because of his baby. His baby, Keith is almost 2years old. Story begins; About two months ago I got involved with a great guy. I was working one night with my cousin, John and his friend Allan. I had been working and I was just messing around out in my truck after I had gotten off. Allan had been texting John and asked him "ask her if i can get a kiss before she leaves" I looked at John and just smiled. I told him to text Allan back and tell him that I wasn't leave just yet. 
He also had texted him and said for him to come out and get one now. Allan walking outside and sat in my passenger seat and just sat there for a minute. I looked over at him and then he moved closer towards me, we kissed. Allan had to work closing that night so I stayed in the parking lot waiting for him to get off so we could hang out. John looked at me and told me that if me and him went inside to help Allan get his closing done, then we could get out sooner. So, I walked in and helped. As me and John stood next the sinks in the back...Allan walked by me when I asked John who was riding with who. Allan whispered to John "Get her to ride with me". I nodded when John told me and I smiled. As we finished cleaning, I could tell Allan was staring at me a lot. Afterwards, when everything was done and clean...I rode with Allan to the county park. He was showing off quite a bit and it just put a smile on my face. The night was great. Every guy had a girl, Every girl had a guy. It was me (Courtney), John, Allan, Amber, Sarah & Kyle. We were standing outside the vehicles and listening to the radio. I ended standing next to Allan's truck and he just kept his hands around me. It was just nice having him hold me in his arms. I knew, in a way...it was wrong for me to be with him. Knowing he had a girl already and a baby; but, it just felt right being with him. Like, nothing would go wrong now. We ended up together. 
A few days later, I went into work. Thinking maybe it had just been a one time thing. I told John that I needed to talk to Allan. Allan's girl was there. I had to wait until she left, and then I talked to him. I told him that I wanted to be more than friends, I didn't want to be friends with benefits. I asked him "how much do you like me?" he looked at me and said "a lot". It felt great hearing him say that. A couple of days later, I would have Jane (my best friend) or John text Allan for me. They texted him "are you two together or wat?" and he would text back "maybe" I wasn't sure if that was a complete yes or no. I kept working at finding out what I wanted to know and hear. 
So, a few times at work it was like I knew we were together; but, I wasn't for sure. At work, whenever someone would not be looking Allan would steal a kiss from me. When we got paid this past week, Allan took me home after we had cashed our checks. Me and him just spent time with each other down an abandoned road from my house. Spending time with just made me great having him right next to me. Not doing anything wrong; but, just spending time talking and kissing. Nothing more, Nothing less. Lately, It's began to change. Nothing is the same. It's like when I text him, he doesn't reply. It's like he is wanting to avoid me now. I can't look at him or ever see him without something going wrong now. It's like the time we spent together...just wasn't meant to last. It's like, now I'm feeling like I'm going to be the one hurt in the end. I don't think I can win this fight. I want to fight for him, because I'm beginning to create these feelings for him that I can't explain. I don't want to lose him like I've lost everything else. I want me and him to work out and I just want my feeling's for him to wind up being the greatest feelings in the world to me.


Thanks for reading.