Weird Stuff About Me:

Alright so I've been thinking lately that I'd tell you a few things that is a bit weird about myself. I've told you stuff about me before; but, it was stuff that people would probably not know about me...This time, Weird stuff begins.

1. I have a phobia of Dry Skin.
---I will literally scream if someone touches me with dry hands and what not
2. When I go to the restroom, I cannot have anyone in the bathroom with me at the same time.
---I literally will get my phone out sometimes and turn the camera on to see up under the stalls to make sure I cannot see anybody's feet.
3. I do not believe in using Weapons.
---When I was little I watched my dad and his friend kill a helpless rabbit and skin it.  

I HATE:

1. Being told to shut up

2. Being told to calm down

3. Preps

4. Stuck up people

5. Loud people

6. People that talk too much

7. School.

8. The color Green

9. The color Yellow

10. Rocks

11. Dry Skin <- I've actually got a phobia of it. 

12. Spiders & it's a Phobia

13. Bugs

14. Robert Pattinson
15. People that expect you to do their work
16. People that don't do there own job
17. Skanks
18. Therapists that think they know from inside out
19. Sushi
20. FISH
21. Old Teachers
22. Faggots
23. Maggots
24. Flies
25. Wood Pencils
26. Crayons
27. Two Faced People

Confession to Myself

confession for myself to understand is...everyday, i go day by day thinking to myself "why me?" should i be? probably no; but, it's hard not to when you feel like there could be a chance of happiness. i admit; i lie in bed at night snuggled up to a teddy bear, crying my eyes out wondering if the next day could possibly be better than the one before.
sometimes, waking up in the middle of night, sitting in up in my bed with tears in my eyes from a dream, i was hoping would be true. to wake up and look around my room and my faith get shattered by a useless wish that my heart makes.
is it such a bad thing to wish for? to finally...get set with a guy that isn't going to judge me without temptation? it's always the same thing..i like a guy..they only like me as a friend or nothing at all. how can you shatter someone's dreams like that? how can you be such a shattering untrustworthy person? no emotion, no heart. you're nothing but cold as stone.
how am i supposed to have such power to overcome pain...if everyday is a rollercoaster of my life? it's downhill from here. this girl is stuck with tragedies and she just lets it all overcome her life.
-Patricia.

How to Make HIM Fall in Love With You..TRUTHS & TRICKS

TRUTHS: 

1. Be yourself!
2. Be Confident
3. Do not Overreact
4. Look Gorgeous!

TRICKS: 

1. Be Friendly - Smile and Compliment him
2. Listen to the boys
3. Play hard-to-get
4. Play on your turf
5. Find out about him
6. Get to know his friends

Found on a Website. Not mine. 

A Strange Engagement Dream

I have been thinking about this for the past day or two. You can't ask me what made it just pop into my mind because I wouldn't be able to answer that. I have just been wondering about these things and wondering where it could lead or could it honestly mean something...?

I have been sitting here watching Christmas movies for the past week or two and all of a sudden, I began to think..."I wish I would get proposed to on Christmas." I thought that is was the sweetest thing that couple possibly pop into my head at the moment. I've cried over the stupid stuff. I've had a normal mind of a rational teenager of thinking of how my life is going to end up; but, of all things to think of and how my love life would be started off...nothing better than for a man to propose to me on a christmas eve or christmas day. There are so many wonderful ways a life can begin; but, a way to remember it...It's passionate love. 

Ex OR New Guy?

So, I'm thinking that I'm in a situation that I cannot solve. I think I have made my decision; but, it's kind of hard to come by within my head. Yesterday, my ex Dylan (yes, he is being spoken of again) texted me and had told me that he was sorry for everything that he had put me through, how he had been an asshole and seemed like he didn't care. After I had broken up with him the last time, I had found out that a couple of days later he began dating his ex, Keisha again. Did it bother me? No. I broke up with him and I was done with all the problems and the hatred that got started. Now, he has made me feel like I should make that decision once again to be with him; but, I think that I don't want to go down that road again. I want to be able to feel like I'm loved and feel like everything is going to be different. He has said, he's different; but, I'm just worried that it will go down the same road...Although, now I am talking to this guy that lives right down the road from me. His name is Jim and I really like talking to him so far. I've talked to him many times on Facebook, Myyearbook and Plenty of Fish. I had never knew that he existed, then finding out that he is the cousin of a guy (name not to revealed)  that I've been getting involved with. 
I think I want to make the decision of talking to Jim. I think it's worth a shot with him...I have never dated him and I've never interacted with him in a way of being like that, so maybe it's all worth a shot.
I really wish there was a way to just get Dylan out of my mind and life..We broke up back in April, then don't speak for four months, then I begin dating him again in August, then I break up with him September..and He ends up dating his ex, Keisha and proposing to her, then all of a sudden he wants back in my life? Makes no sense. It's like he cannot be happy for one person and then makes his own decisions that I'd go back with him after all of the pain.

A Loss && A Feeling: He Made Me The Way I Am Today

I've sit here and began to wonder even more than usual. I've been sitting in this same spot, with the same expression, with the same feeling inside my head. What am I supposed to do? I feel like maybe something just happened that shouldn't have. What am I supposed to do if what I saw meant something.

Yesterday, a guy that I got involved with and had been talking to since January got into a fight yesterday at lunch. Not only was it a fight; but, it was with a girl. A girl that he had been with, dated and had been messing around with. There was some bad conflicts and some interactions that led to them both physically fighting. As they were fighting, a guy came up behind David and pushed him up on the table (my table) at lunch. You may be asking, Why do you care? Why is this bothering you?
It bothers me because In May, I got pregnant. I got pregnant by that guy. Later month of June, I had a miscarriage. he had told me multiple times "You need to get an abortion". I told him that I wouldn't do something like that because I don't believe in killing unborn child, even if there isn't anything there yet to be considered a baby. A friend of mine, the one friend that knew about me being pregnant was also friends with David. I had gotten information from him about David and he had told me that David had wished I lost it. He got his wish, it wasn't my wish; but, it happened. I did something that I shouldn't have done. I went swimming with a friend of mine and knowing me, I jumped in, next thing I knew, my friend Kimberly was on top of me in the water and she had kicked my side. Some people may say that losing a baby in the time frame of only a little over a month isn't hard, well it is. You may say that in time, I'll forget about it all; but, you don't forget something so tragic. At least, I wouldn't do that. I remember going to sleep the night before with stomach pains, waking up the next morning in a puddle...a puddle of blood.
I don't know what happened yesterday. I don't know why when I saw the fight...something inside me began to feel so much pain. I felt like my heart had just jumped from my chest into my throat. I don't feel anything for him and I don't expect anything from him. When me and were talking, it was all just fun and games..nothing serious. Until the day, I got with him. That's when it began to hurt me. I now look at him and now I just feel so lost. I don't care for him and I don't think I ever will; but, knowing that I had been with him, carrying his baby...I felt like I was attached to him in a way. I see him everyday and I feel like a little bit of me is dying each day. I go on in life thinking, what if? I go in life wondering...would my life be any different if I had never been with him? I just don't know what I'd do.
I think about it every day..I think about the day I found out. The day that the doctor told me I'd be expecting. As of today, I'd be 26weeks and 3 days. I keep track, everyday and every night I go to bed thinking to myself...I wish I still had my precious miracle. My due date, February 17, 2012 and I know it's going to tear me up. It tears me up everyday. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it. I hate David for what he put me through and the things he had said about me being pregnant; but, I had decided that my baby "was" going to have his last name. I just didn't think it was right for my child to have my last name...when it was only right for baby to have it's fathers last name. It was going to be a McDowell. I scream of the choices that I had made, and when I wasn't with him except for the first and only time, I thought to myself...I can't keep letting his pathetic mistakes be a mistake in my life.
I go on everyday thinking...Maybe it's just Gods way of telling me that I wasn't meant to have a child. I was only seventeen at the time. No one wants to be a parent as a teenager in school; but, I had it in my head and my heart that it was a mistake that I made and a responsibility that I had to take. I took the responsibility of being an adult. I was innocent, I was uncontrollable when it hit me. I just felt like fading away into the distance.
When I saw things go down....I wasn't even in the fight, I just felt like I was dying a little again when I saw him fight..I felt like I was losing a part of me...again.

AHS: Question Part 2

• We've met three of Constance's children. Where's her fourth child?
• Larry didn't kill his family as he originally stated, Why did he tell Ben that he did if they really died in a fire that his wife started? 
• Is Vivian having twins truly, or could it be a normal baby along with a demon child? 
• Could the baby (be a demon) and eating the other? 
• Why does Tate seem to hate his mother so much? 
• What is the true identity of all the living (ghost) souls? 

The statement that Constance made "Get him out of here before he expires"..What does this mean? 

38 DAYS.

I cannot believe it!! We only have 38 days until Christmas. This year has definitely flew by quick. Next week we have our Thanksgiving Break. November 23-25. Only four more days, and I cannot wait.
So, the deal is...Next Wednesday, I have court. Next Thursday, Thanksgiving!. Then, next Friday, it's my mommy's birthday. I have a long Thanksgiving Break ahead of me. Not literally; but, just the feeling is going to make it long to handle. My mommy will be 36 years old this year.

I can't wait until Christmas! I cannot believe it's only 38 days away. This year is going to be great. Know why? Guess not. All well, I'll tell you...I'm going to have a lot of fun this year because it's my Senior Year, I'm going to enjoy it.

NEW..Favorite Shows

There are three new shows on T.V. now that I am currently watching.

1. American Horror Story
2. Once Upon a Time
3. Grimm

I recommend these three shows to anyone that in for a little Suspense, Horror, Fantasy and legendary faith. Each one of these shows have certainly became my favorite T.V. show's yet. "American Horror Story" a story about a family in a house that practically has its own personality. "Once Upon a Time" a story about all the fairytale characters in the real world. "Grimm" a story about a guy that is in the Grimm family defeating evil creatures to save his family and others. Every show is a new one to the year 2011.

AHS..Again?

It's November 16, 2011 and I'm ready for American Horror Story tonight. Last week, I wrote a blog about a few things that had left me hanging upon the episode "Piggy Piggy." Tonight is Wednesday and I'm ready for the next following episode...I have no idea where it's going to lead; but, I'm hoping that my last weeks questions get answered this week.
I'm still wondering about Vivian and the brain she ate, Violet and the death she tried to commit, Why Vivian kicked Ben out, Will Tate be moving onto the other side?..All of these waiting to be answered upon my belief.

I will blog later tonight of the questions that I have for Episode 5. I as well as watch it; but, recommend you to watch it as well. American Horror is definitely a show I'd want anyone to watch as of over the age of fifteen. Although, since a child, I've been watching shows and movies like this since I was probably five.

AHS: Questions, Part1

What Confuses Me:

• Vivian ate an entire brain.
• The entire "Piggy Piggy" storyline. What was the purpose?
• What is the purpose of Constance having a Medium?
• Why did the nurse ghost show up in the bathtub? 
• Why Did Vivian throw Ben out of the house with all of the terrible things happening? 
• Why does Tate not have any revelations of dying? 
• What is happening to Violet? 
• What is really growing inside of Vivian? 

Anyone else have the same questions??

Halloween && Move?

So, we have six days until Halloween. I'm counting down. I cannot wait until the time that I can just sit inside and watch Horror movies all day long. Going to really get into the Halloween spirit (like always) and just enjoy time to myself at home with my parent's. Although, I may also be getting some interesting and hopefully very good news that my bestfriend....will be moving in with me. No! Not Kimmy. Me and Kimmy haven't been close since August when she moved out; but, I finally got my bestfriend back...Cynthia! I hope everything goes well and she gets to come live with us by Wednesday. 

Prophecy Creations

My Photography Shoots: 

My Photography Page: http://www.facebook.com/ProphecyCreationsbyPatriciaWalker

I hate...This Teacher with a PASSION.

So the deal is that I'm a Senior in high school. Everything is fine and dandy, I'm really enjoying it. Except!! My teacher, Mr. Pepper. .He isn't a good person nor a good teacher, I'd know for a fact because half of the junk, in both periods that I have him, he just doesn't know a hoot of what he is teaching. I have him for Business Math and Web Page Design. I thought that Web Page was going to be a good and fun class at the beginning of the year, I was wrong. Bad thing about being Web Page during sixth hour is, I can't get out. There aren't any other classes that I can take that I haven't already taken. Business Math, sucks as well...Why? Because, out of all the math classes that I have had during my time in high school, never! Never have I gotten so confused. I understood Algebra II better than this.
Business Math is supposed to be an easier math class to take during your time in high school; but, it isn't turning out this way so far. It tries to make half of us feel like we're in the stone age and we should try figuring stuff out ourselves. We can't learn something for five or six minutes then you (Mr. Pepper) to expect us to know what we're doing.
Funny thing is..he will "try" to teach us for a total of maybe five minutes, then he sits behind his desk the rest of the period..hello? You don't try to attempt something, then hide behind your little desk and little computer to hide your face and then expect half of us to understand what the heck you just tried to teach.
He isn't a teacher. He isn't a good person.
You tell him you aren't feeling well, and he gets after you for nothing. You can't complain, you can't feel sick, you can't do anything without him trying to compare it to his pain. Good? I think NOT!

AMERICAN HORROR STORY

I have got a new FAVORITE T.V. show to watch. It's called "American horror Story". It's a new FX show that comes on every Wednesday at 10pm. My favorite character so far, by far has got to be "Tate". I recommend this show to anyone to watch...about Death, Horrors, Ghosts

Most Played Songs on my iTunes

1. Bonnie & Clyde - Haystak
2. Say it Right - Nelly
3. Same Girl - R. Kelly
4. Shawty is a Ten - The Dream
5. So Sick (female) - Ne-Yo
6. Breathless - Shayne Ward
7. Santa Monica - Theory of a Deadman
8. Candy Shop - 50 Cent
9. Perfect Two - Auburn
10. We're in Heaven - Cascada
11. Hello Darlin' - Conway Twitty
12. Pour Some Sugar on Me - Def Leppord

Getting Closer To....HaLlOwEeN!(:

So it's September 28, 2011. Only a month away and it'll be Halloween. My favorite holiday is in fact Halloween. What will your Halloween consist of? My October 31, 2011 night will be just me and my dad sitting at home with a big bowl of Candy! We will just have an all day marathon of movies..
1. Halloween
2. Friday the 13th
3. Nightmare on Elm Street

The Woman of the Generation. They have left their mark on me!

1. Loretta Lynn

Why did I choose Loretta Lynn? 

Well, Loretta happens to be my idol. I remember as a child when I watched Coal Miners Daughter for the first time. I listened as I knew that Sissy Spacek certainly wasn't Loretta herself. I just heard the words and rhythm of the songs she sung. They moved from within me and it's like I could understand and comprehend the movements. My favorite song of hers is "Fist City". You may ask, why? I may even tell; but, the reason for Fist City being my favorite is because she wrote that song once she had caught Mooney in the backseat of her car with another woman as she and Patsy Cline had been on stage performing. 

Loretta is a role model. She's an icon. 

She has definitely opened me up to new beginnings and the understanding way of life. No woman could ever replace Loretta. 

2. Marilyn Monroe

"The Sex Symbol" 

Marilyn. Or shall I say Norma Jeane? 

The woman that was a sex symbol of her generation. The woman that every guy wanted and every girl wanted to be. When I first heard of Marilyn, I was stund. How can one single woman be the sexiest girl on her time. You may be saying, I'm too young to know who some people are; but, you must understand...my parent's grew up not during the time; but, with the time. 

When I began to watch and read upon Ms. Marilyn. It shocked me so, shocked that this woman was no smarter than an average twig. 

She wasn't the brightest star; but, she was loved for her looks. 

She made it possible that just because you can't act as well as other's didn't mean that you couldn't be loved and wanted. 

She made an impact on my life. Her ability to prove herself was a winning prize. 

Life isn't worth;

life isn't worth understanding; until, you've fallen so hard you have scuff marks on your knees.
life isn't worth fighting for; until, you've cried so hard that you don't feel the tears falling any longer
life isn't worth the pain; until, you've finally broke down and realized all you ever wanted, was that one, small, tiny piece of heaven between your fingers.
that one precious moment where you'll remember it the rest of your life.

There is a Reason!

Do any of us truly know when Life is to begin? I mean, we're each born on a certain day, in a certain month, at a certain time. Just because we're born, doesn't mean our life has truly begun. Each person is born with a reasoning and a meaning. Just like, we're each born with a unique name. They're a million Ashley's in this world, and a million Johns. That doesn't mean each and every one of us have a reason as to why we're put here. We're born to the families that we live in for a certain matter of time. Some of us are meant to live to a long and happy life, then again, God has other plans for most.
I was born an only child to a wonderful woman and man. Is there a reason why I'm an only child? I believe so. I believe they're reasons why God didn't want my mom to have another baby after me. I believe, God had plans for me to be an only one. We're each unique. We each have a certain amount of power God has put upon us.
I'm seventeen years old. I turn eighteen in less than seven months. I still don't know my reason. I still don't know why I'm so unique to the world. I'm still a single flying bird without a partner. I don't know why I was place on Earth. I do not know why people tell me I'm beautiful. All I know is, I'm finally coming out of my shell. I'm finally opening back up to the world.
 I'm wondering....When my life....will finally....BEGIN; 

Story? Be Told. Not to HOLD

if only people knew my story; they wouldn't be buying the book.
i have so many faults, so many mistakes.
guys, i haven't been able to deal with. relationships that have went to hell.
i just wish, my life would stopping being the preface and being with chapter one already!

*&&Ephesians 4:2

with all humanity and gentleness, with patience, bearing one another in love

To wait or be Waited For

he texted me today. It wasn't good nor was it bad. My heart began to pound when he started talking to me again. Was the conversation the way I wanted it to be? No. He told me that he only wanted to be friends. It broke my heart. I really liked him and enjoyed our conversations we had. We've talked and tried to get things figured out. .We've talked about maybe....in the future. There could be a chance we can get together. You never know what the future will hold for someone. 

What do you say in a Moment like this?

Have you ever been told "it's not you, it's me"? It's like I can think....What if it did happen to me? How would I feel if I was told it wasn't me, it was him? I'd be thinking...someone was full of shit. That is like one of the oldest things in the book to say to someone just to get out of a relationship. It isn't the smartest thing to pull; but, some times people think it's the best thing to do.
Well, lately...everything for me. It always seems to me that every time I post something on my blog, everything is fine; but, then I'm posting of how it was ended too. I'm tired. I'm not dealing with the pain any longer than I have too.
Everything was fine. A couple of days ago, well almost a week now...I broke up with Dylan. Yes, finally after everything that we'd been through and all the pain he'd been giving me. I'd broke up with him. I felt like he hadn't changed anything about himself. When, me and him were together, it's like I had this feeling that something was going on. I just didn't know what it was.
What do you say in a moment like this? I just wish. If God would allow me to make one wish for the rest of my life...It'd be that I wish everything would be alright with me. Stop this searching for the right one. I've tried multiple times and it's always turned out to be nothing but a terrible experience. God. If only God would let me choose the perfect guy. I'd choose a guy that I've met recently. He seemed and was the perfect guy. I don't want to be feeling this pain in looking for the "one". I want to wake up in the morning and have him holding me in his arms.
What do you say in a moment like this? When you can't find the words? A moment of silence. A moment where I can just close my eyes and for once, let my heart lead the way.
I met this guy. His name is Jacob. I met him and everything seemed so un-real. I had just met him; but, I felt like I've known him for years. I didn't feel a single touch of fear. I like(d) him so; but, something went wrong. Something that just caused him not want to talk to me. It makes me wonder...and it keeps me praying that maybe, it's just for now. I just need to give him time. Give myself time as well. I had only known him for a day; but, everything seemed to wonderful and I loved it. Then, now it's at the point where when I get a text message...I'm hoping, it's him. It's not and I feel like I've fallen apart a little more each time I breathe.
I talked to my brother (best friend) Josh on the phone about everything in my life. I had told him how I have felt and how it felt like everything was falling apart around me..and I had this feeling, this feeling that maybe it wasn't worth anything anymore. I missed Jacob already and didn't want to just let it go. I couldn't bare the feeling. I have to do something. 

Leadership of a Horoscope

My horoscope for September 20, 2011; "Just when you thought the fun was over, the universe will let you know in no uncertain terms that it's only just begun. Expect an invitation from a dear, trusted friend -- and don't you dare 
refuse it."


I am the type of girl that will believe in the horoscope's. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe in the alternate life of the universe. Now, if I believe in all this and this happens. What could my obvious horoscope possibly mean? It tends to scare me sometimes because I'm not sure where my life is leading me. Sometimes, i want to scream. I don't know what to do with my life nor do I know where it's heading. All I know is...Until now, I have made the wrong decisions; but, I'm on the warpath tonight. I've made my decision and without my friend Josh, I could not have understood it all. 

Short Bio? I Guess So.

Short Bio? I Guess So; What about me? Well, I'm Patricia. People call me, P.C. or Courtney. I am a Senior at CCHS. Class of 2012. I'm currently Single. -->Photographer i'm done with life; so when you call me and i don't answer..it's because technically, i am away from the world. i'm done with everything. no more understanding or trying to fix things. i never succeed. check my answering machine. it's always free. someone lied, when they said God has a plan for us. i'm now a non-believer. i have lost so many things in my life and it can't just be me. God has a big part in people's lives and apparently...he has left mine. i'm dead to the world now. no longer am i available for anything or anyone. goodbye; 9/18/2011 r.i.p patricia courtney. hello. new world. LOVE; Writing Drawing Singing Music Being with friends. -the greatest thing you'll ever learn is, just to love and be loved in return;

Quotes I made; HURT

These are status updates of mine that I made when I was hurt from so much happening.

1. 

I don't believe anymore. 
I don't believe that I have a chosen path. 
I don't believe that God has a plan for me. 
I don't believe that I'm mean to be happy. 
I made decisions and they have lead to where I'm at. 
I'm alone. 
I'm lost. 
I have no life to which to think of being loved;

2. 

I just wish...That God would stop takin everythin good in my life away. Do you not see that this is excrucciating?

3. 

i hate how everytime i try to have somethin good...somethin goes wrong!!!

4. 

I can't trust you as far as I can throw you, and I can't throw you very far. 

Never did I think;

I never thought I would walk down that dirt road path again; but, I did. 
I never thought that when I looked down at my paper, I'd see your name upon the page. 
I never thought I would turn around and look at the dirt turned on the road and hear your voice upon my shoulder. 
I never....
I never though, I'd feel like the world was falling down, until you walked out and left nothing but a one last "Goodbye" 


Written by: Patricia Walker

I'm Sorry...

I'm sorry if I'm not perfect
I'm sorry if every day of my life, I can't make you happy
I'm sorry that I am me
I'm sorry that everything I do, doesn't seem to be enough
I'm sorry, that when I said "I care"...I didn't lie
most of all, I'm sorry...you didn't believe me. 


Written by: Patricia Walker

No More...

No More Counting...
No More Making Plans...
No More "I Love You"...
I'm not making the same mistakes this time around. I'm not counting the days we've been together, nor am I going to make plans into the future (a few months ahead). I'm not making those same mistakes once again. I feel like if I am too make the same type of mistakes as I did before, then it'll end up bad for me. I fell in love the first time that I was with Dylan; but, those feelings are not showing. I'm not showing or saying I love you. I am simply just going on with everyday as if we're a new couple.
I feel as if something is going on and I feel as if I cannot make a plan or plan on doing something. I am living it day by day, I'm not looking forward into anything, the only thing I am doing...is living everyday with Dylan as a regular day in the book. I can't expect much from him, and I can't expect things to last. All I can say and look forward to at the moment would be...Let each day be a surprise. 

Thinking of which?

Okay, so maybe I am going nuts. I do not know what is going on or what I could be feeling; but, I have this strange feeling out of no where that something is going on. Maybe, I'm feeling or thinking of something that I shouldn't. I feel as if something is going on, not directly in a bad way; but, like something is happening. I feel like this only temporary. Why? I'm not sure. I don't know why I'm having these feelings like this isn't going to last forever. I don't want to lose this feeling that I have created and worked so hard for, it isn't easy trying to ignore the worst; but, sometimes you feel as if it's your only option. 

A fresh new beginning.

Do you ever feel that after you've fallen so many times, it's about time you opened your eyes and began a new life? Like, you feel that no matter what happens next, it couldn't be any harder than the first dozen times that you'd failed. It's time. It's about time we began a new life and started over. "The Saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you". My EX is back in my life. After four months of no communication and or ever seeing him. We are beginning over. With a new beginning and a new life among us. I couldn't be happier to be with him, although, you can't expect much to happen next. I can't make plans without having some feeling something would happen. I'm starting with a brand new fresh beginning. I used to love him. I still do. I just don't want to begin with the same feelings. 

Mirror of Reality

when you look into the mirror and all you see is yourself, that's when you'll realize that life itself is a lonely wonder; but, you can honestly turn away and say i know what i have for a reason. you believe in the true identity of yourself. 


By: Courtney Walker

Let Time Tell

I have came to realize....I must not make plans and set things into place. I can only let Fate takes it's own course. I can't say, I know where my relationships are going to go. I can't say everything in my life at this moment is going to stick into place. I can only let the days go by day. Let each day go one at a time. 

A Day Goes by...I still think.

I think it's funny how I can sit here and spill out my guts to a computer. How I can just sit for hours and explain every little detail, without having to worry about someone yelling back at me from what I'm doing wrong or what I'm not doing right. I just feel like when I'm writing or typing out my feeling's, I can get a whole lot more out in words than I can by saying them.
Remember, the other day when I spilled out my guts of what I was doing...knowing completely that it wrong? Well, the truth is...I know it's wrong and I know that I was taking a big risk and risking everything for a relationship with him (Allan). Now, I'm wondering...how far can that relationship truly go on if he is still with her? If I'm never knowing when the time will come that he will "end" it with her. I don't want to keep up a secret relationship with him if I'm going to be the one ending up hurt in the end. I don't want to take these consequences and it never go anywhere. I admit, I've already fallen for him; but, not fallen in love with him. My feeling's are strong for him and I just really wanted everything to work out; but, I feel that until he makes that big decision...I can't keep up our secretive.pathway.
So, along side that. Today at work, My cousin Michelle was meeting her friend. He came in and had a group of his friends with him. Michelle was standing beside me with her baby, Jayden. I had to clock back in from my break, so I asked my manager for her manager's card. When I walked over to refill my drink, Michelle had looked at me and said something. Of course, knowing me...I couldn't read her lips. I walked over next to her and she had told me that one of Merril's friends was checking me out. I didn't believe her. Nor did I believe him when he told me. I just walked away and smiled. She kept texting me and asking me "What do you think about Jack?" I didn't know what to say. I still didn't believe that he was checking me out, or that he thought I was cute. Well, when him and his friends walked back in...Michelle walked over beside me and asked for number for him. I just smiled and looked at her. Playing around, I said I didn't know my number. Well, Michelle found it and gave it too him. He began to text me and I just didn't know what to say until he told me himself that I was cute.
I have a feeling that maybe I'm in a bad spot right now. Maybe, I just don't know what to do. I feel like I need to talk to Allan. It's hurting me...and it is making me wonder if it's bothering him too. I don't want to keep this up and me end up no where. I want to be happy and I want to make the right decisions; but, I feel like that if I need help. I'm probably in this alone. Once again. No one is able to help me, except me. I believe that I'll make the right decision. It's just going to take me time to figure out what I'm going to do.

Silence

I can't go on for miles with silence.
I want to have you next to me, holding me.
I want to know that if I look to my side, you'll be there.
I want to know that if I was to walk away, you'd grab me and tell me to stay.
For you to hold me in your arms and never let me go.
To look at me and say "I love you" and that you'd never want to lose me.
Walking down a dirt path road and just walking hand in hand.
Not saying a word to each other, because even the silence doesn't make it uncomfortable.
Just having you there.
Just hearing your voice.
Let's me know; You'll be there till the end. of. time. 

Fighting Love

Why is it that everytime I look outside at the field across from my house that I think of you?
How come, every day I lie in bed, I'll sit there and wonder where we're leading.
How much time do we have?
How much longer do I have to wait, before you finally do what you keep telling me.
It's not fair.
I'm having to wait for you.
I want you to be officially mine, I don't want to share you.
I want you to myself.
I have been thinking lately. Wondering.
My feeling's for you are getting stronger with each minute I spend with you.
I'm falling...again.
I am finally moved on from the worst mistake of my life and I'm taking this risk with you.
Why? Why am I doing this?
It's because I'm falling in love with you and I'm going to fight for you.
I will either win or lose; but, at least I'll know...I did what was right for me.

I still Remember...

I still remember when we used to walk hand in hand.
How you would always hold me in your arms when your friends were around.
When I'd meet someone new you'd always say "she's my girl"
Now, I sit and still remember how we spent our days together and I don't regret those few months we had. I just think back to then and now;
I've finally moved on and I've found someone that makes me feel better than you ever did.


-By: Courtney Walker

Finally..Wondering.

For the past few days, it's been like I don't know what's going on in this world around me. Lately, it's just been a non-stop nightmare to me. If it's not a friend, it's my so called boyfriend. I say "so-called" because it's like sometimes it's like we're on a rollercoaster. My life has been slowly pulling apart from me. I know what I want and I'm going wind up fighting for it in the end. I'm finally becoming happy again, after three months of suffering and non-stop crying from being hurt. I've finally found someone else that makes me even happier than Dylan did. Zack makes me happy and when I'm with him, there is no going back.
There isn't a day that goes by now that I don't think of where me and him are leading. I feel like I can be myself around him and it's not going to go wrong or bad; but, everyday I spend with him...I live it as if it were my last day with him. You never know what a day can bring or take away, so why worry when you have that one moment you can always cherish. That one moment you spend together, just as if it were going to be the end of the world.

My days are getting shorter and my mind is beginning to wonder. 

I know what I may be doing is wrong; but, I don't care how I put myself into bad situations. I'm putting myself through all these places and feelings for the simple fact and reason that I am caring more and more about a certain person that I'm determined not to lose. I've began this journey and I am going to work at it. There is no turning back for me now. Ever since me and Dylan broke up and we no longer speak even one word to each other anymore, it's like I feel as if I'm falling in love...again. They say, you can't really know what Love is when you're young; but, when I was seventeen...I felt Love for the first time and it was with the wrong person. Now, I've met someone completely opposite of Dylan and he makes me even happier than he ever would. I don't feel out of place when I'm with him, I'm myself. I'm definitely...falling in Love...again. 

Stuck between Line of not Understanding my Love

Names are not Real. Covering up the identities. My story is simple, short and sweet. Where to begin is the question though. I'm taking a big risk with my life at the moment. My story is like this. A little catch up; Allan has a girl, and a baby. Apparently, there aren't anything because Allan can't stand her. The only reason he is with her still is because of his baby. His baby, Keith is almost 2years old. Story begins; About two months ago I got involved with a great guy. I was working one night with my cousin, John and his friend Allan. I had been working and I was just messing around out in my truck after I had gotten off. Allan had been texting John and asked him "ask her if i can get a kiss before she leaves" I looked at John and just smiled. I told him to text Allan back and tell him that I wasn't leave just yet. 
He also had texted him and said for him to come out and get one now. Allan walking outside and sat in my passenger seat and just sat there for a minute. I looked over at him and then he moved closer towards me, we kissed. Allan had to work closing that night so I stayed in the parking lot waiting for him to get off so we could hang out. John looked at me and told me that if me and him went inside to help Allan get his closing done, then we could get out sooner. So, I walked in and helped. As me and John stood next the sinks in the back...Allan walked by me when I asked John who was riding with who. Allan whispered to John "Get her to ride with me". I nodded when John told me and I smiled. As we finished cleaning, I could tell Allan was staring at me a lot. Afterwards, when everything was done and clean...I rode with Allan to the county park. He was showing off quite a bit and it just put a smile on my face. The night was great. Every guy had a girl, Every girl had a guy. It was me (Courtney), John, Allan, Amber, Sarah & Kyle. We were standing outside the vehicles and listening to the radio. I ended standing next to Allan's truck and he just kept his hands around me. It was just nice having him hold me in his arms. I knew, in a way...it was wrong for me to be with him. Knowing he had a girl already and a baby; but, it just felt right being with him. Like, nothing would go wrong now. We ended up together. 
A few days later, I went into work. Thinking maybe it had just been a one time thing. I told John that I needed to talk to Allan. Allan's girl was there. I had to wait until she left, and then I talked to him. I told him that I wanted to be more than friends, I didn't want to be friends with benefits. I asked him "how much do you like me?" he looked at me and said "a lot". It felt great hearing him say that. A couple of days later, I would have Jane (my best friend) or John text Allan for me. They texted him "are you two together or wat?" and he would text back "maybe" I wasn't sure if that was a complete yes or no. I kept working at finding out what I wanted to know and hear. 
So, a few times at work it was like I knew we were together; but, I wasn't for sure. At work, whenever someone would not be looking Allan would steal a kiss from me. When we got paid this past week, Allan took me home after we had cashed our checks. Me and him just spent time with each other down an abandoned road from my house. Spending time with just made me great having him right next to me. Not doing anything wrong; but, just spending time talking and kissing. Nothing more, Nothing less. Lately, It's began to change. Nothing is the same. It's like when I text him, he doesn't reply. It's like he is wanting to avoid me now. I can't look at him or ever see him without something going wrong now. It's like the time we spent together...just wasn't meant to last. It's like, now I'm feeling like I'm going to be the one hurt in the end. I don't think I can win this fight. I want to fight for him, because I'm beginning to create these feelings for him that I can't explain. I don't want to lose him like I've lost everything else. I want me and him to work out and I just want my feeling's for him to wind up being the greatest feelings in the world to me.


Thanks for reading. 

Caught up in the Moment.

It has been almost a month since I last wrote on here. A lot of things have happened and a few things have changed, a whole lot. More than I can say, it's made me change a little bit about myself. It's like I have learned from my mistakes. First of all; A few things...
April 26, 2011. Me and Dylan had broken up, once again. That was the last time though. I wasn't going to put myself in that position again. Once we broke up the last time, it didn't hurt me at all when he said "I think we need to see other people." It's like all I did was shrug my shoulder's and moved on. It didn't faze me the way I thought it would. We had broken up three times once before that and its like the last time, there wasn't much I could say to make him change his mind, because I kept thinking to myself "Courtney, you're better off without him. You don't need him at all."
A few days later, things went back to normal and it was as if I never had anything happen to me. I began talking to one my friends once again, David; And he helped me cover up the pain. When I spoke to David it was like I didn't care about anything that was terrible. We talked for a few months every once in awhile in class. Always texting and such; Never once really did anything to pursue what we had been talking about; but, then on May 23, 2011. Things changed; We had been talking since January of 2011. Almost six months we had been talking and texting, then finally did what we said we was going to do; We hung out. After we hung out though, it was bringing back a few memories of such; He didn't talk to me after that day. It was like he would stare at me every once in a while; but, then I realized maybe he was just another pot hole in the road. Wasn't meant to be friends with him at all, maybe.
May 25, 2011. Last day of Junior year. I'm the class of 2012 and I'm now officially a Senior. I can't complain. I have a few friends I know/think I will keep in touch with over the summer; but, other than that. I really hope I don't fun into any few people. I was my summer before my Senior year to be a fun experience and liberating. No, drama. Just nice fun and hanging with friends. 

pathetic copy cats

You know there is a time when I can hold in stuff and do things my own way; but, what really sets me off is when you want to make a change or something. A person automatically suspects that you're copying them. Hello? You're not the only one in the whole dang world and no, just because someone wants to do something doesn't mean they're copying you, dear. You're the last person on this earth I'd ever want to copy. 

Hurry...

I'm booked; I'm so ready for this week to be over and for Spring Break to begin. This weekend, April 1st, I will be staying a couple days with my grandparent's to spend time with them and my wonderful little cousin, Mollie. I haven't stayed with them in awhile. I'm going to stay up there on Friday and come home either Monday or Tuesday. I'm not sure yet...Then Wednesday is my birthday. Yeah! April 6th. This should be an awesome week though..because On April 6, it's just going to be a normal day. Then on April 8th, I am having my party; but, On Saturday, Me and my parent's are going to Florence to spend a family birthday together....Sunday, I'm staying with my grandparent's to have a birthday with them. It's going to be all sorts of fun. . .

Wordle....A Collage of my Blog

This is a wordle project that I created and it was a collage of my blog and words that I used. 

S-S-Seventeen

In just a few days time I will turning 17. This was a photo of my mom on her Seventeenth birthday. Today being March 26, 2011. I have exactly 11 days until I turn the big One, Seven. It so weird to look at a photo of your parent's or even grandparent's and then look at yourself in the mirror and see how much a like or how different you look from them. I love my mom and dad so much and I honestly cannot sit here and believe that in less than a year, I'll be graduating and be off away from home. It doesn't scare me as to how much older and how much I'm changing; but, I think it scares my parent's the most.
To be turning another year older isn't just another year in your life; It's a way of life and another step towards destiny. Another step towards your fate and another way for you to become the responsible person you're destined to be.

Love*

Well as I began to write, I struggled so hard to get past the first line. How can someone like me believe in love so much and everything it stands for, if i finally begin to feel it for myself and it's ripped from my grasp? How can I go on believing in the ways of love, if now I'm beginning to wish I never did? To wish I never believed in it and I wouldn't be hurt right now. What am I suppose to do if for the past few nights I've cried myself to sleep? Thinking I could finally be happy and it's taken from me. To have true feelings for someone and they return the same feelings or lie to you to make you happy. My beliefs on love have changed so much and right now. I'm not sure I believe anything. Love is just a painful experience that never truly gets returned. You can't take it back. Once you've fallen, your stuck in love. And it really makes me wonder when I can get over it. Because there is no going back now, and it scares me to say that I'm trying, but getting no where. 


Written by: 
Courtney Walker


[March 25, 2011] 

A Break-Up & A Sad Song

On March 22, 2011; Dylan and I broke up. I don't understand it. I thought everything was going fine; but, he broke up with me without any explanation. I had went to his house a few hours earlier that day after school and I could tell something was up. He didn't say I'll see you tomorrow or even a good-bye kiss like he always gave me. We text throughout the time being that I had left his house. It was good just talking him; but, later that night he text me saying "we need to talk" and next thing I knew, he texts me back and says "it's over". I asked if I had done something wrong and he told me no. I asked him why he wanted to break up and all he told me was that I wouldn't understand. Now, we broke up and all I knew was, I was heartbroken. 

I'm the type of person that does not believe that you can fall in love with someone after only a week, month or even sometimes a few months, almost a year. My beliefs is that I don't think it's possible; but, for someone like me not to believe that, I feel as if I did fall in love. I felt as if I did fall for a great guy and that I would be happy. Dating Dylan was the best thing that had happened to me in the longest time. I was finally happy and coming out of my depression. I was finally going somewhere, even making my life better for myself and others. 

Later, that night I just text him back with an "Okay!" and he didn't text back. He waiting about an hour later before he sent me a message saying "I'm an Ass Hole". I knew that he was being an asshole; but, all I could do was ask him why he thought he was; all he told me was, because i know i am. I never talked to him again that night. I was so hurt and felt like I had been ripped apart. I screamed. I cried myself to sleep that night and I didn't know what I was going to do the next day. I have tried to make it seem like it doesn't bother me; but, it's getting so hard to pretend anymore. It hurts more and more everyday. 

I have tried and tried to make it seem like it doesn't hurt me; but, I'm so scared right now and I feel as if I have no reasoning. It's not the term of being useless; it's just a feeling that I have right now that I don't feel like I can move an inch. An inch, right now feels like a mile.

I cried and cried trying to make myself feel better and all I could do was listen to the song "Nothing Compares 2 U" I woke up the next morning and apparently I was crying in my sleep; My pillow was soaked with tears I had cried. What do I do now? Go to sleep every night, thinking of what could have been and sleeping along side my build-a-bear, once again! 

A day with Dylan

Yesterday; I spent time with Dylan...and Samuel. After school, Me and Samuel walked downtown to meet Dylan and then we went to the restaurant to get something to eat. Of course, I wasn't really in an all good mood. I was quite aggravated. Afterwards; We walked to the college to put my backpack in my dad's truck and I had to change my pants; Yes, I split my pants. Well, Then we walked to the library and it's not even the fun part. We met Stephan there and we began to talk for a bit. I started to get really bored with just sitting around waiting for nothing to happen so I walked over the old stone jail house.
After about five minutes there, Dylan finally walked over and we walked back to his house. We sat outside for a bit, then we began throwing a softball at one another. Of course, he lives on the side of a bank so I had to go down over the hill multiple times. It began to get really fun, when I was throwing the bad at him and I brought four other balls back up the hill with me. Then, it got fun for me when we just began talking; I always am satisfied just by spending time with him, it makes my day. Just him holding me, made me feel better.
When it got to be 6:00pm, I had totally forgotten that I had to be down at the college when my dad got out of school; but, my dad found me anyway, so I didn't have to worry about walking all the way back downtown. I began to have stomach pains really bad and I developed a headache on the way home. I felt like I was going to get sick multiple times; but, I didn't. I took like four Advil and two TUMS; but, nothing seemed to ease my stomach. Then, I got something to eat, maybe thinking that I was hungry. It didn't help. I took a nice long soothing bath; but, that didn't help. Makes me wonder if I'm going to end up getting sick. I have felt sick ever since yesterday and now I feel like it.

Valentine's Day?

Valentine's Day?
February 14...There is a serious question that has pondered in my mind for some time now. How is it that someone like me can believe in all the level's of "Love" but hate's the fact of Valentine's day. The one day of the year where "Love" comes alive. The day couple ponder together and tell each other of how much they mean to one another. I believe in the whole fact of "Love", but I just can't get myself to overcome this day of compassion and hope. I've often thought of it as maybe I don't like the day because it hurt's me to see people with those they love. Maybe, it's the description of how much they show affection towards one another. I honestly can say that I love the bond between me and family; but, the bond between someone and another, it's heartbreaking. What's the point of Valentine's day? Honestly? If there is no one to show and share it with, then why do some of us have to wait and suffer in the shadow's like there is no return of hope for us.
Thinking about all the wonder's of "Love" and compassion make's me wonder and think. Why do I hate Valentine's day so much? What has brought me to this? What has turned my heart of pure blood and worthiness, to stone and ice. This isn't the part where I go crazy and say this is the point where I wish I was with someone and had to someone to love me like other's love each other. This is just a innocent prompt stating my wonder's of why do I feel the way I do. 

Feelings? Fading...

Conclusions. Coming to these Conclusions have sent me to believe that it was wrong. I shouldn't have given myself hope when I feel like I've just been ripped apart. To the soul of which I never knew I had, I couldn't believe how I would feel when I came to the truth. How can you love someone and treat them like dirt? How can you go for hours thinking it is going to wind up great, but turns into dust? How is someone to feel this way if they never knew they had feelings. What is there to this thing they call "love"? Can you automatically have feelings for someone you never liked? Can you just form these feelings and believe they will start to progress? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm done. No more. I'm tired of thinking something is going to happen when I just feel the same afterwards. I'm dating dealing! I'm done trying. .

January 26, 2011.

Have you ever sat down and thought about one thing that you knew would maybe end badly in the long run? Have you ever wanted to say "Yes" so badly you didn't know how and when was the best time to do it? Well what am I suppose to do when I find out recently that a friend of mine has just stabbed me in the back with a sharp piece of pain I didn't think I'd feel again. The tragedy of you wanting to wait for the moment that it will be okay to say "yes" sends you into a state of mind. The waiting process is too late. Too late to make a move, too late to say the one word you wish you could of said four and half years ago before everything...went bad.
The one time I thought I could be happy again, and nothing comes of it. Nothing good comes of it and it all ends badly for me. 

Attitude.

I found this statement about Attitude a very open and truthful.
-"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people thank or say or do. It is more important than appearance giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company.....a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a change everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing ca can do is play on the one strong we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our Attitudes."

by: 

Charles R. Swindoll

I found this a remarkable statement of what this guy though an Attitude was all about. The true understanding of it. Helped. 

A New Change

So I've got a new look to my blog. What do you think of the new layout? I was kind of getting tired of the black and dull look. Well I thought making it lighten up was a better idea of it. Attract interest.

Catching Up.

It's been awhile since I last wrote on my blog. I guess I just haven't had much to say. Have you ever had the feeling that you could sit for hours talking about your problems or what's on your mind; but, yet you can't find a way to say it as briefly as possible? Well I just couldn't find the right way to explain what was on my mind. However, I do have a few things that I know I can make a good conversation out of. Let's See.

I'm Starting the 2011 Adventure off as a great way to say it's a new beginning and my blog will soon become a newer and better of what I have written in the past. So all I can and may say is Let's begin.

Over the past few months I have been doing the usual thing any normal teenager does. I have been writing....trying to write my novel. I have written about six short stories, but can't yet get the writing a novel down pat. It's easy. All it is, is a longer version of a short story. Just more writing. I pick up my pencil and begin writing; but, then begin to second thoughts about what I have written. My mom and some other special thanks. They say that when you are writing. Don't stop and re-read what you wrote. Just keep writing. If it doesn't sound good when it's finished, then make the necessary changes.