Yesterday, Jordan and I went to Versailles, KY for Christmas. I met his dad's side of the family and I can definitely say that I like his dad's better than his mom's. It was a really good day for me to be able to meet of them.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
I Want to Describe My Love for You.
I know you probably won't read this..so it works perfectly for me to write when I need too and help myself understand. This way when I'm feeling really low and down, I can just re-read this and remind myself. A short note, plus a list of things I need.
Dear Jordan,
Did you know that I loved you? I mean, I may even love you more than you realize...more than I realize. What I can really say is that I can't describe how much I love you. Every day is a new beginning for me, because I try to forget all of the fighting the day before and try to start over the next day. Which I seem to fail at alot. I've tried to describe my love for you, to you...multiple times, but I just can't seem to break it down to the actual amount that I love you.
You're the man I've dreamed so much about, and never knew it until we met. When you walked into my life, I'd thought you'd be just another friends-with-benefits. I didn't expect to fall so hard for you, then be so scared to lose you too. You made me scared to want to wake up every morning, not in a bad way that you may be thinking, but a way that I'm afraid that I'm going to wind up waking up one morning and you'll be gone. I won't have your kisses anymore, I won't know what your hugs feel like, and I won't even remember why we were together.
You've told me multiple times that my dreams aren't real and they won't come true, but if you could feel my dreams. I've been having the worst dreams that I could ever possibly have. They involve Anna-Leigh, Megan, and now they involve Alexis. I've always been big on dreams, and I've always found myself trying to figure out the meaning within dreams. Maybe you're right, maybe I am scared that you're going to run off with one of them...but you need to realize too..You had a life before me. You had a promise to withhold with Anna-Leigh. You had a relationship that was building with Alexis. I just budged in and ruined it for you.
Do you still not regret me? Do you still love me from the first moment you first told me that. I can still remember the first time I told you that I love you. Do you know the real reason why I had chosen to tell you in the shower? I decided to tell you for the first time that I loved you in the shower because I wanted you to be able to see me without my clothes on, for you to be able to accept me for my body, my flaws, and all. And you did. You accepted me and I knew I loved you.
How could you love someone like me? That's the question that I've been asking myself lately. I'm like a home wrecker in my eyes at least and you seem to constantly see this beauty that I never see. You find myself within your eyes and know exactly when there is something wrong. I hate it how you can read me sometimes, because when you ask me what's wrong, I don't want to answer because I know we'll just fight about it.
You've become the reason that I wake up every morning. As much as I've tried to explain, I am scared. I'm scared that I'm not the one that you deserve as much as you love me. To be honest, I'd never thought I was going to find love. I'd thought I was just going to wind up falling for men over and over again, then them using me when they needed. When I see you, my heart skips a beat. When I lay next to you, I feel your heartbeat within my fingertips. When I lay upon your chest, I can feel how close I can really get.
I'm beginning to make my mind understand what my heart is, my heart knows that I love you and that I won't lose you to anybody else. My mind gets in the way and it causes all of these problems, sometimes a fight. My mind makes me believe that there will be someone else, someone to steal you away like I did with any other girl that wanted you. I don't want to lose you in any way, you remind me everyday of how you love me and tell me how I'm a dork, but you love every bit of it. Well, I love you and every bit of my soul, emotions, and words go towards you.
I can still remember the first time you told me that you loved me. It was September 10th. You and I were in class and I asked my mom if she'd give you a ride home. She said yes, but she had a few things that she needed to do before hand. She dropped us off at Butler and we'd just played on the jungle jim and you were acting just crazy as can be. I loved every bit of it, because I'd really felt like I knew you were such a dork, but I loved it about you. We'd sat on the slide and then I'd began to cry about how I didn't want to be friends-with-benefits. Then, you'd gotten aggression and said that we weren't friends with benefits. We were more, then you'd said you loved me. I'd back away from you and said what? Then you said that I had heard you, I did..I was just upset that I was afraid we weren't going to be anymore than what we were before.
Darlin' I wish I could help you understand that I'm not trying to push you away. Lately, I'm afraid that if I pull you in too close, that you'll push away from me. I'm kind of back in the stage where I'm afraid. Do you remember when I was like this when we first began to talk? I'm trying to keep you happy, but I feel like such a disappointment. I'm not trying to make this hard on you, I love you. I'm just trying to make myself understand as well as help you understand why I've been the way I have been lately. I've come to a conclusion, which I don't want you to lose control over or attitude. Maybe, it's just my hormones...I mean, really. I, uh feel as if lately...it seems like I hadn't felt this way before...and now, it's like everything is getting sucked out of me and I'm afraid. Yes. I'm blaming it all on my hormones, because I've talked to a couple of my friends because I'm worried about what is going to happen next. I never had these thoughts before we found out that I was pregnant...remember? I promise you, I'm trying to make this clear in my head as much as helping you. I don't want you to have to deal with this for six more months, so I think there is something that I need to create or come up with that can help me stop us from starting things between one another. I just wish you'd actually read this.
You got mad the other night that I had written a status. A status about me not being able to talk to someone when I needed too, and that apparently you had taken it the wrong way. I didn't mean for it to sound like there was something wrong...because there wasn't, nor is there. I just stated that I felt as if I was fading. That's all, and you seemed to have thrown it out of proportion. You said that I can talk to you anytime and that you'll listen, right. Well, I mean...it does seem like the last two times that we've tried to have a conversation, you've gotten an attitude about it. You want me to talk to you, but you always get an attitude. It's like I'm not aloud to speak my mind when it's needed. You want me to tell you when something is wrong, and I know it's just my hormones getting too me, because after all this never happened before and you know it. I am sorry, I'm sorry that it has been happening non-stop and I wish I could take it back. You don't deserve the trouble I put upon you. You don't deserve me constantly being mad at you. You don't deserve it.
Love,
Patricia.
Things about you that I love:
Dear Jordan,
Did you know that I loved you? I mean, I may even love you more than you realize...more than I realize. What I can really say is that I can't describe how much I love you. Every day is a new beginning for me, because I try to forget all of the fighting the day before and try to start over the next day. Which I seem to fail at alot. I've tried to describe my love for you, to you...multiple times, but I just can't seem to break it down to the actual amount that I love you.
You're the man I've dreamed so much about, and never knew it until we met. When you walked into my life, I'd thought you'd be just another friends-with-benefits. I didn't expect to fall so hard for you, then be so scared to lose you too. You made me scared to want to wake up every morning, not in a bad way that you may be thinking, but a way that I'm afraid that I'm going to wind up waking up one morning and you'll be gone. I won't have your kisses anymore, I won't know what your hugs feel like, and I won't even remember why we were together.
You've told me multiple times that my dreams aren't real and they won't come true, but if you could feel my dreams. I've been having the worst dreams that I could ever possibly have. They involve Anna-Leigh, Megan, and now they involve Alexis. I've always been big on dreams, and I've always found myself trying to figure out the meaning within dreams. Maybe you're right, maybe I am scared that you're going to run off with one of them...but you need to realize too..You had a life before me. You had a promise to withhold with Anna-Leigh. You had a relationship that was building with Alexis. I just budged in and ruined it for you.
Do you still not regret me? Do you still love me from the first moment you first told me that. I can still remember the first time I told you that I love you. Do you know the real reason why I had chosen to tell you in the shower? I decided to tell you for the first time that I loved you in the shower because I wanted you to be able to see me without my clothes on, for you to be able to accept me for my body, my flaws, and all. And you did. You accepted me and I knew I loved you.
How could you love someone like me? That's the question that I've been asking myself lately. I'm like a home wrecker in my eyes at least and you seem to constantly see this beauty that I never see. You find myself within your eyes and know exactly when there is something wrong. I hate it how you can read me sometimes, because when you ask me what's wrong, I don't want to answer because I know we'll just fight about it.
You've become the reason that I wake up every morning. As much as I've tried to explain, I am scared. I'm scared that I'm not the one that you deserve as much as you love me. To be honest, I'd never thought I was going to find love. I'd thought I was just going to wind up falling for men over and over again, then them using me when they needed. When I see you, my heart skips a beat. When I lay next to you, I feel your heartbeat within my fingertips. When I lay upon your chest, I can feel how close I can really get.
I'm beginning to make my mind understand what my heart is, my heart knows that I love you and that I won't lose you to anybody else. My mind gets in the way and it causes all of these problems, sometimes a fight. My mind makes me believe that there will be someone else, someone to steal you away like I did with any other girl that wanted you. I don't want to lose you in any way, you remind me everyday of how you love me and tell me how I'm a dork, but you love every bit of it. Well, I love you and every bit of my soul, emotions, and words go towards you.
I can still remember the first time you told me that you loved me. It was September 10th. You and I were in class and I asked my mom if she'd give you a ride home. She said yes, but she had a few things that she needed to do before hand. She dropped us off at Butler and we'd just played on the jungle jim and you were acting just crazy as can be. I loved every bit of it, because I'd really felt like I knew you were such a dork, but I loved it about you. We'd sat on the slide and then I'd began to cry about how I didn't want to be friends-with-benefits. Then, you'd gotten aggression and said that we weren't friends with benefits. We were more, then you'd said you loved me. I'd back away from you and said what? Then you said that I had heard you, I did..I was just upset that I was afraid we weren't going to be anymore than what we were before.
Darlin' I wish I could help you understand that I'm not trying to push you away. Lately, I'm afraid that if I pull you in too close, that you'll push away from me. I'm kind of back in the stage where I'm afraid. Do you remember when I was like this when we first began to talk? I'm trying to keep you happy, but I feel like such a disappointment. I'm not trying to make this hard on you, I love you. I'm just trying to make myself understand as well as help you understand why I've been the way I have been lately. I've come to a conclusion, which I don't want you to lose control over or attitude. Maybe, it's just my hormones...I mean, really. I, uh feel as if lately...it seems like I hadn't felt this way before...and now, it's like everything is getting sucked out of me and I'm afraid. Yes. I'm blaming it all on my hormones, because I've talked to a couple of my friends because I'm worried about what is going to happen next. I never had these thoughts before we found out that I was pregnant...remember? I promise you, I'm trying to make this clear in my head as much as helping you. I don't want you to have to deal with this for six more months, so I think there is something that I need to create or come up with that can help me stop us from starting things between one another. I just wish you'd actually read this.
You got mad the other night that I had written a status. A status about me not being able to talk to someone when I needed too, and that apparently you had taken it the wrong way. I didn't mean for it to sound like there was something wrong...because there wasn't, nor is there. I just stated that I felt as if I was fading. That's all, and you seemed to have thrown it out of proportion. You said that I can talk to you anytime and that you'll listen, right. Well, I mean...it does seem like the last two times that we've tried to have a conversation, you've gotten an attitude about it. You want me to talk to you, but you always get an attitude. It's like I'm not aloud to speak my mind when it's needed. You want me to tell you when something is wrong, and I know it's just my hormones getting too me, because after all this never happened before and you know it. I am sorry, I'm sorry that it has been happening non-stop and I wish I could take it back. You don't deserve the trouble I put upon you. You don't deserve me constantly being mad at you. You don't deserve it.
Love,
Patricia.
Things about you that I love:
- Your eyes
- Your smile
- The way you look at me
- The feeling I get when you caress my cheek
- Your kisses
- That you love me
- Your personality
- The way you're honest about everything
- That you try everyday to keep me happy
- Your voice
- When you hold me
- How you'll just lay with me when I need you the most.
- When you say I love you
I've stolen a love that was Made
I feel like this is going to be a rant. It's going to be a true and honest thought post that is just going to contain every detail that is on my mind right now.
I remember....Five month ago, I met Jordan. Things started off to where I had just wanted another fuck buddy. I didn't want anything serious, because after all I had just broken things off with Jacob. I didn't want to be serious with Jordan. I first met him on August 13th and I can still remember that it was the first day of class. I still think about this day everyday, as along with all of the others too.
I don't know what to do honestly, I remembered that when Jordan and I had made it clear that we were open to read messages from each other's Facebook, how I remember reading the one's from Anna-Leigh. I constantly got mad over, not upset, but mad. Then, I'd read other messages from other girls, he'd been talking to around the time that we'd met and began talking ourselves. I couldn't get mad, after all he'd been talking to three girls before me.
He'd been talking to a friend of his, which he is still friends with...Alexis. I've become quite close with her and she is a pretty cool chick, it just effected me in a weird way when I was remembering what I'd read a few months ago. They'd been talking about being together, a never ending love that had apparently grown between them. How, he loved her and loved it if they would be able to lay with one another with her head laid upon his chest. I do that. That she'd cry towards him and he'd hold her in his arms, caressing her cheek, then pulling her in for a kiss. We did that. That she made his stomach tie itself in knots. I did that. The first we were together, we'd went swimming and he'd held me in his arms multiple times, and looked into each other's eyes...I felt like I could drift into a world of love with him...They did that. Why do I feel like a comparison? I feel like Alexis and I are a little much a like and that it's like he never really lost her, he just gained another. We've actually shared a lot of the same conversations with Jordan and it's become much a hurtful statement to feel like I'm not doing anything different than any other girl he'd been with..They'd been talking since May. Not in a relationship sense, but just talking. It's like I had stolen him away from someone that he was talking too, someone he'd actually began to form feelings for.
I'm not meaning to think this, but it's like lately...my hormones are getting really bad. Jordan's told me multiple times that he doesn't deserve me, well it's the other way around and I know it. I don't deserve him, because of the stuff I put him through everyday. I'm not surprised that my past relationships haven't lasted...because this is truly unbelievable. I don't know how Jordan can put up with me everyday and still love me as much as he does.
A feeling that I've had today, is I just feel as if I stole Jordan away from someone when I wouldn't have wanted that for myself. I mean, I'm just like a repeat of what Jordan was already going to have...there was no change.
I remember....Five month ago, I met Jordan. Things started off to where I had just wanted another fuck buddy. I didn't want anything serious, because after all I had just broken things off with Jacob. I didn't want to be serious with Jordan. I first met him on August 13th and I can still remember that it was the first day of class. I still think about this day everyday, as along with all of the others too.
I don't know what to do honestly, I remembered that when Jordan and I had made it clear that we were open to read messages from each other's Facebook, how I remember reading the one's from Anna-Leigh. I constantly got mad over, not upset, but mad. Then, I'd read other messages from other girls, he'd been talking to around the time that we'd met and began talking ourselves. I couldn't get mad, after all he'd been talking to three girls before me.
He'd been talking to a friend of his, which he is still friends with...Alexis. I've become quite close with her and she is a pretty cool chick, it just effected me in a weird way when I was remembering what I'd read a few months ago. They'd been talking about being together, a never ending love that had apparently grown between them. How, he loved her and loved it if they would be able to lay with one another with her head laid upon his chest. I do that. That she'd cry towards him and he'd hold her in his arms, caressing her cheek, then pulling her in for a kiss. We did that. That she made his stomach tie itself in knots. I did that. The first we were together, we'd went swimming and he'd held me in his arms multiple times, and looked into each other's eyes...I felt like I could drift into a world of love with him...They did that. Why do I feel like a comparison? I feel like Alexis and I are a little much a like and that it's like he never really lost her, he just gained another. We've actually shared a lot of the same conversations with Jordan and it's become much a hurtful statement to feel like I'm not doing anything different than any other girl he'd been with..They'd been talking since May. Not in a relationship sense, but just talking. It's like I had stolen him away from someone that he was talking too, someone he'd actually began to form feelings for.
I'm not meaning to think this, but it's like lately...my hormones are getting really bad. Jordan's told me multiple times that he doesn't deserve me, well it's the other way around and I know it. I don't deserve him, because of the stuff I put him through everyday. I'm not surprised that my past relationships haven't lasted...because this is truly unbelievable. I don't know how Jordan can put up with me everyday and still love me as much as he does.
A feeling that I've had today, is I just feel as if I stole Jordan away from someone when I wouldn't have wanted that for myself. I mean, I'm just like a repeat of what Jordan was already going to have...there was no change.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Forever..Lost?
I'm so lost. I'm on a path that I have no idea how this is going to end. I'm so over how things are just beginning to get worse and never getting any better. I miss the laughter, I miss the jokes. Now, it's a feeling like we're just stuck with one another. Where is the love supposed to be? Where did the romance go? How come everything is changing so much...I feel as if I'm going wind up losing my mind and I'm not going to know where I'm going to wind up! Am I falling into an neverending black hole? am I doomed to be forever lost.
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