Confessions...

Confession #1:

I am scared to fall in love, again. 

Confession #2:

I am scared of sex. I'm afraid, I'm gonna get with a man that only wants one thing, then once he gets it..he'll leave. 

Confession #3:

I don't wanna go through the same thing I did two years ago. 

Confession #4:

I'm afraid to be happy because everyday that I'm happy, something terrible always comes after. 

Confession #5:

I fall for guys so quickly, but find it hard to love

Confession #6:

I'm afraid of not making someone happy

Confession #7:

I hate it when a man calls me "baby" when we're not together, because it makes me quiver with pain that, that's all we're ever gonna be. 

Confession #8:

The word "Love" has no meaning to me, until I've felt it through my heart and seen the real thing through my eyes. 

Confession #9:

I'm done making mistakes and regretting my past love life. I want to move on and be happy like I once was. 

Confession #10: 

When I am talking about my feelings, they always stay built up until I can't handle the pain any longer, then it just comes out like a book. 

Where am I supposed to Go Now?

Today? What can I really say about today? Well, it was maybe one of the best days and yet one of the worst days in my life. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine that I have been kind of involved with here recently. Our conversation started off slowly, then I progressed into telling him that I was worrying about him going on a date. He'd told me not to worry and then when I read his final words "I don't think happiness is what I'm looking for, only fun (not sex), just fun".
I began to break down. I walked out of class and began to walk to the library when he had walked out behind me. I go half way across the street and he'd told me to come back over...I didn't want too, but yet something pushed me to go back. He'd ask me what was wrong and then I just shot out telling him that I wanted to make him happy and he's scared. I'm scared, because I don't think I can love again after everything I've been through. I'm worried for the both of us. I'd began to just try to make him understand that I'm not going anywhere unless he told me to walk away...
His kiss, his touch and just him being around me is a quiver in my stomach. It's not bad, it's just a feeling I get that feels like butterflies. My heart pounds within me and sometimes I feel like I'm not breathing on air. It's like I am breathing off of our energy. Every time, I began to cry he'd tell me to stop and I would on an impact. I don't cry because he's hurting me, but because I'm scared that I'm falling for this guy and it's not going to be me in the end.
He told me, he is scared that he could possibly love me, even fall in love with me. Is it just me or does his similarity sound like mine as well? Our paths are so similar and I wanna make him happy. He's got this barrier up and doesn't want happiness because he's scared of losing it again. I don't want him to feel like he's gonna lose me. I'm not going anywhere and I've told him that. I have trust issues and he's got a fear of happiness...Can we in any way break out barriers and make ourselves believe? 

I'm scared for...Us

I am just so scared what to think anymore. I don't want to work so hard, then get rejected on what I had so much hope for. Each moment we spend together is like heaven beneath my fingers. I love how you push the hair behind my ears when it falls in my face. I love your smile and the way you tell me you're just so scared. I'm not here to make you feel lost, and I believe that you're worried, so am I. Please, don't give me any reason to not want to be with you...you're past and your past. My past is my past...and I tell you, we come with baggage. We have baggage and it needs to be worked on...I don't know what to do or say, except...I'm scared...for us. 

Untitled

I want more nights like
that one
do you?
i want to be caressed between
your fingers
do you?
i want to be wrapped
in your arms, again.
do you?
wanna lay beneath the
stars
do you?
your eyes, staring
into mine
do you want this
too?
i hope you do

Just For Me

I looked at the wall and you
were the voice I wanted to see
I laid beneath the stars 
and you're who i thought of
i covered myself with the blanket, 
wishing it was your arms grasped around me
If I were to tell you any of this...
Would you even care?
It may be lust right now
But, I can feel there is something
here
You know it, 
You've told me the same
And those words
made my heart cry out
for you

Eternal

I have this invisible wall put up
it helps keep out heartache
help keep out tragedy
i don't want to be the girl to
fall apart but,
the girl that is happy to be
yours
i can't take one more step
towards you
i can't take a risk
unless
its gonna be real
i don't want to be one of
your girls
i don't want to have a scar
on my chest
i want the eternal feeling

Could it Progress?

So, college is certainly turning out really well. As of right now, I hold a 4.0 GPA and I'm certainly and most definitely loving it. I've even actually met an interesting guy. Going back about two weeks ago when I first met him...It was our welcome week at the college and we were having an Ice Cream social. I walked upstairs and I saw Sandie and Mrs. Duncan handing out Ice Cream to students. Well, I stood next to the lounge and Sandie asked if I wanted some Ice Cream...I looked over at her and said "I'm debating" and Jordan looked at me and asked "What is there to debate" and he began to smile...well, I don't like Ice Cream very much and it was a debate to me. "I don't eat Ice Cream very much, so I just don't know if I want any" and from the point on I could feel that Jordan was looking at me quite a few times..I'd talk to Sandie for a few then look over and join the conversations, I could feel Jordan looking at me and I'd glance over at him.
The next day, I found out that he was in my Math class...I just knew this would be fun. The first couple of days, I didn't nice or fancy. I just wore blue jeans and didn't care...but, we'd just chat as friends and I didn't notice anything else.

Last Tuesday, I was getting ready and put on my new outfit. It took me about 45mins to do my makeup and get ready. Well, I arrived to my class about five minutes last and I remember when I walked in. I could feel the eyes upon my body just looking and when I sat down, Jordan looked over at me and said "Wow." and I just smiled. He told me I looked really pretty and I felt really nice when I heard him tell me that. As the class went on, we would talk about different things and then he'd asked me why I felt like I needed to dress up. I just plainly told him that I wanted to feel nice about myself and that I bought new clothes to try. "you don't have to put makeup and dress up to like pretty" he told me. I was like WOW in my mind. .

Wednesday, I wore a nice pink dress...and I didn't see Jordan at all until my classes had let out. Well, I sat in the front lobby and was making sure I had everything I needed for my homework. Jordan and his friend had walked out of the doors next to me and then he just stood right in front of me. I looked up at him and just smiled and I was like "What?" smiling..and I got up because it was a little weird for me. Afterwards, I began to walk up the street to go over to the library. Jordan got a ride from him friend and then when she pulled out, he whistled at me. I just blushed...I knew I did, but I didn't want to tell him that.

Thursday, Jordan and I talked for a little while in class and different things writing notes and such, and then I had him tell me a few things that I may have not known. He told me that I was (Pretty, Cute, Attractive, and Adorable). I smile when I think of him telling me that...I'd never had a man tell me such things and mean it. 

BACK PAIN..feels like Death!

August 9, 2012...I didn't have internet to write this, so I had written it down on a piece of notebook paper to repeat here. So, it's August 9th, 2012 @ 3:42 AM. I can't sleep and I haven't even gotten a wink of relaxation in the past three hours. I've laid in bed trying to sleep, but when I lay flat on my back it feels like a torpedo is coming through my chest. I've tried to sleep with a pillow between my legs, pain meds, even Icy-Hot and a hot pack...but NOTHING works! What am I going to do? What can I do?
It's gotten to a certain point where just by sitting up-right, I feel like I'm going to get sick. Laying down make a rough pinching feeling. It's been five nights, five nights of me not being able to sleep through a complete night without pain. It's gotten to a boiling point of me beginning to cry, but nothing can help it.

College is just around the corner.

Only fourteen days before my dad leaves for EKU. I can't believe how fast this summer has flown by and how quickly college is approaching. My mom is attending Lindsey Wilson in Louisville, and my dad is going to EKU in Richmond. I'm attending Jefferson here in Carrollton...We're all going our own ways, but my mom will be home every weekend. It just doesn't seem like it should already by time for school to start back, but it is..and it's approaching so vastly that I can't seem to comprehend it.
August 13th, I begin my fall semester and I'm looking forward to it all except the math..Blah! 

Wonderful Life...New Beginning

I couldn't be any happier than I am right now. On July 29, 2012 I got asked out by probably one of the most  beautiful men that I've known for the past four and half years. I had never thought about us as the relationship type at first, but as the years progressed we began to talk to each other about how we thought each other was interesting and how I began to fall for him. I didn't mean too, but yet I still haven't came out and said I love him. I want him to know that I do love him, but where I have been hurt so many times and for those who read my blog...you know I've went through hell and back. I just don't want to throw those three words out there. I do feel like he is who I want to be with for the rest of my life and this isn't some little mushy crush, because we've known each other since my Freshman year in High School (August 2008). Now, we're together and it just feels so right. I don't want to think of it as the world to me, but four and half years definitely means something..

Pumped for my 1st and Fall Semester

It's finally reached August and I begin my fall semester in two weeks. I cannot wait to begin going back to school, which will be a lot different this time considering, I'm not going to be in high school anymore. I'm pumped for it and cannot wait to start. It's actually a bit weird and cannot wait to get started on my fall/first semester. Only 16 weeks per semester:)