Dream into Story;

I woke up yesterday morning probably one of the weirdest feelings I could ever witness after a dream. My dream had felt so real and what made it so bad was the I'd had that one particular dream before at least once or twice. I figured after having the same dream more than once, it had to be a sign to begin to write a short story or maybe even a book to this dream. If you have a dream more than a once, I think it's about time to take action.
So starting today or within a couple of days, I'll be starting on my story. Maybe not long, but not too short to cause the reader to be left hanging on the edge. I had tried to begin yesterday, but failed. I figured that if I'm going to be as lonely as I'm beginning to already feel, then I guess mind as well make it worth it and keep myself occupied. 

Nothing is the Same

It's official.
The one thing that I was dreading so bad has happened. Jordan has gotten the job doing construction. I'm proud of him, I can't deny that. But I'm just scared. We've talked about it a lot but it just seems that I'm still worried. I can already tell that it's going to kind of destroy me. He just got the job confirmation today and his phone has rang non-stop! What am I supposed to do about it?
Another thing that has been bothering me is, Jordan got his for bid today on a job and we decided to stay at his dad's. Well, since we've arrived, not once have we actually been even close. His family knows we're engaged and they know we're having baby. Before all of this began to happen, we'd be close to each other while being at his dad's, but now it's like we don't even know each other.
So many things are happening so fast that I can't keep up. I can't keep up with all of this that is happening to me. Jordan seems to be adjusting just fine, but me...I'm going to wind up going crazy. Wouldn't be surprised if I end up in a Psych Ward. 

I don't feel Like It's Going to Fit in Place

There are so many things I really want to change. Jordan and I have had multiple conversations and I don't understand how me and him actually got together. I don't understand how he went completely out of his category of girls, to resulting to me. I don't know how even in the slightest I had the result of trying to even meet this guy and try to pull him so far from this expertise of women. He'd said many times that he really liked girls that were in the category of goth! In the category scene, even girls in his past were crazy.

I really don't want to change to please him, but for some odd reason I sometimes feel as if I'm not enough to please him. To suit his needs. I hear him, his dad, and his dad's girlfriend talking all the time when we're at his dad's house...but I don't feel as if I really belong within his family. In five short months, my baby will be apart of this family, by blood and I will just be included by the baby. It's kind of like I can't please myself anymore nor can I please my fiance. We're to be married next year and I feel as if I'm just not enough for him to actually deal with. He's so used to these girls that are such, in the nicest way possible for me to describe "freaks". He says he loves it when a girl can do this or can do that, and I just feel like such a burden upon him. I don't do anything any other girl would do.

I don't feel like truly deep down inside that I'm everything he wants or everything he needs. He says he loves me with all of his heart and he loves me more than he's ever loved any other girl, but what am I supposed to say towards any type of judgement when I can never compare to any of his exes. He's said many times that he doesn't like skinny girls, but almost half of his girlfriends...mainly all of them are skinny, maybe two or three were big. But if he doesn't skinny girls, and he's said many times that he doesn't go for looks, but personality so that would explain the skinny ones...but why do I feel like I can never actually be what he'll want.

We talk about it all the time about how we love each other with all of our hearts and we're getting married next year...but how come it is that I am just shocked all out of hell that he ended up with me after every girl he's been with. I wasn't who he would have ended up with if we hadn't started talking, if on August 27th that changed everything that we'd ever thought about each other.

I guess I can just simply say that I'm just actually so jumbled in my head that I am worried about how I think about this all of the time...How did this guy turn out to be mine? 

Just Realized My Future

So, I'm three days shy of being four months pregnant. Yes, finally in my second trimester. Finally understanding that so much has changed, and yet there is so much more to be changed as well. I'm afraid. There is actually a lot of things I wish I could do, but understanding where I stand right now, and where I'm going to stand in four and half months. It hit me out of no where, there is so much that Jordan can do that I can't. When this baby comes, he can do whatever he wants, when he wants...and I won't have a say so. I'll be stuck with the baby 24/7. The only free-time that I'll get is when I'm too tired to do something or spending too much time drives me crazy.
Jordan can walk around as he pleases when this baby comes and I wouldn't have the satisfaction to even put my own two cents. We've literally argued over the issue of him saying that he will eventually do a lot of things (details left unknown). What am I supposed to do or say? My life isn't ruined, it's just beginning...but what can I say about the certain situations that I'm aware that will eventually cause me to not understand them at all. I don't know what I'm going to do. . .I quit doing so many things once I found out I was pregnant, then now being pregnant and knowing I'm going to have a child in my hands in about five months....I'm not going to do anything...anymore.

Eighteen. Pregnant & Feeling LOW

I’m only eighteen years old. God forbid, I’ll be nineteen once this baby is born. My fiance is seventeen and he’ll be eighteen Feb. 1. I’m 15 weeks pregnant and Jordan (my fiance’) had said that construction is his dream job and he’s thinking of taking a job with his mom’s boyfriend. Meaning, he’ll be gone a day or two at a time, sometimes if the job requires he’ll even be gone a week at a time. I don’t know what to do. I feel as if I’m going to wind up doing all of this a lone.

I’m not crazy, but I feel as if he’s finally beginning to not care anymore on how something effects me. I don’t care about money, or how much he’ll be bring home. I don’t care if it’s almost 3x more than what he would be receiving at a restaurant here in our town. I don’t want to lose him and this is exactly what is going to wind up happening. I’m going to lose the love of my life and the father of my child. It’s like my opinion just doesn’t matter to him. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. He doesn’t understand that with him telling me that he is going to do it rather I like it or not, just makes me feel as low as dirt. Well beneath the soil.

By time my baby comes, I’m afraid he or she isn’t going to have a father. He or she isn’t going to have a stable home with two loving parents. I’m afraid that my baby will end up wondering what went wrong in he/her mommy and daddy’s life that I won’t have an answer. I may be just over-thinking all of this, but it’s what I feel. This has been going on for about a week now and everytime we begin the conversation of us talking about him going and doing construction, I can’t put in my own two cents. He doesn’t know how much all of this is effecting me. How deep inside he doesn’t understand that I have the strangest feeling that we’re not meant to be as much as we thought we did. When you’re in a relationship, engaged, or marriage…you’re significant other’s opinions matter too. And in this situation, I just don’t matter to him anymore.

Is there is anybody out there that can help me? Is there anybody that can help me through this? I feel like I’m going to lose all control of myself, my life, and my child?

Dear Blog,
Yet another post that I'm going to complain about something. Yet again, I've managed to ruin everything. I must doing everything wrong lately. I feel something and I'm wrong. I think something and I'm wrong yet again. I don't know what to do anymore let alone please the man that I love. What can I do? 

13 Weeks

I'm Scared. Of Losing My Life..

I've been crying for over two hours straight.......
You know, my blog is the only place where I feel I actually talk to someone. Even if someone doesn't respond or talk back. I just feel it's something that I can do without worrying about being judged. In my world and in my own little mind, it's a free mind and open space for me to just speak what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it. I'm afraid. I'm not sure if this is something that I can blame on my pregnancy or not, but I just don't know what to think.

For the past couple of nights, I've lied next to Jordan while he's sleeping and I barely brush my hand upon his body just to see if he really is there. I feel distant from him lately, I feel as if we're pulling away more than pulling together. When I want to talk too him, it's like he doesn't want to talk to me. I am afraid to talk to him now, because all it ever does is lead to a fight.

For Example: We were having a great conversation tonight, I was lying in his arms and we were just lying in the dark talking about what we thought of each other when we first met. Then next thing I know we're arguing and fighting. Then we goes to sleep. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel as if I don't please him anymore, that I'm not good enough to be able to be his fiance. I'm afraid I'm just not going to be able to become his wife. I don't think we're going to last that long, and that scares me so dearly. I don't want to lose him. I don't think he realizes how much it scares me to watch him go to sleep, then not have him love me anymore when he wakes up.

I'm afraid of becoming a single mother, I'm afraid of losing my love and my child. I don't know where I'm leading anymore or what to think when my mind is wondering this deep. I don't want to lose the love of my life, the father of my child, my fiance that loves me so dearly, but I can't seem to understand why I'm throwing myself underneath this bus.

Does he think of what his life would be like if I weren't in it? Does he wonder who he should be loving? Am I really a choose or just a last resort? You see!!! I'm so faded, I don't know what to think anymore. 

I don't Want to Go Through It!

I'm scared and I don't know what to think or do anymore. I think I just came in contact with yet another one of my biggest fears. I'm watching Sex and the City and I-I just watched the scene where Big stood Carrie up at the alter. I started to ball and I just began to fall apart. I'm so scared, what if that happens to me? What if...What if I never even make it to 2014 with Jordan. I'm so scared of losing him now that I just can't find my way to sanity anymore. I'm having these strange dreams where they feel like reality, I feel as if I can't speak my own anymore because all it leads to is me going crazy and us arguing. Where are we leading, because I'm beginning to feel so hurt that I don't even know anymore. 

I Guess We'll Just See.

Only eight more weeks, then we'll be able to find out what we're having. When we'd first found out that we were having a baby, Jordan and I would argue over what the sex would be. He'd keep saying that he thinks it's going to be a boy, but a few nights ago when we were lying down and talking, he'd told me how he thinks our baby is going to be a little girl. I don't really care what the sex is, just as long as he or she is healthy. Although, I've been kind of having a feeling that it's going to be a girl. I was talking to my mother a few weeks ago, she'd said that when she was pregnant with me she couldn't stand the smell of Hamburger cooking. With me, I'm not quite sure if anything has really hit me or not, I just know that I can barely eat any type of meat. It makes me sick if I eat too much. I haven't really noticed to see if any type of meat makes me sick to the smell while cooking, haven't really paid much attention to what does and doesn't make me sick. It just comes and goes.
From here, I really don't care what the sex is...I just really care if my child is healthy. That's all that I ask for. 

12 Weeks:)

I'm 12 weeks pregnant today. Yay!