I've sit here and began to wonder even more than usual. I've been sitting in this same spot, with the same expression, with the same feeling inside my head. What am I supposed to do? I feel like maybe something just happened that shouldn't have. What am I supposed to do if what I saw meant something.
Yesterday, a guy that I got involved with and had been talking to since January got into a fight yesterday at lunch. Not only was it a fight; but, it was with a girl. A girl that he had been with, dated and had been messing around with. There was some bad conflicts and some interactions that led to them both physically fighting. As they were fighting, a guy came up behind David and pushed him up on the table (my table) at lunch. You may be asking, Why do you care? Why is this bothering you?
It bothers me because In May, I got pregnant. I got pregnant by that guy. Later month of June, I had a miscarriage. he had told me multiple times "You need to get an abortion". I told him that I wouldn't do something like that because I don't believe in killing unborn child, even if there isn't anything there yet to be considered a baby. A friend of mine, the one friend that knew about me being pregnant was also friends with David. I had gotten information from him about David and he had told me that David had wished I lost it. He got his wish, it wasn't my wish; but, it happened. I did something that I shouldn't have done. I went swimming with a friend of mine and knowing me, I jumped in, next thing I knew, my friend Kimberly was on top of me in the water and she had kicked my side. Some people may say that losing a baby in the time frame of only a little over a month isn't hard, well it is. You may say that in time, I'll forget about it all; but, you don't forget something so tragic. At least, I wouldn't do that. I remember going to sleep the night before with stomach pains, waking up the next morning in a puddle...a puddle of blood.
I don't know what happened yesterday. I don't know why when I saw the fight...something inside me began to feel so much pain. I felt like my heart had just jumped from my chest into my throat. I don't feel anything for him and I don't expect anything from him. When me and were talking, it was all just fun and games..nothing serious. Until the day, I got with him. That's when it began to hurt me. I now look at him and now I just feel so lost. I don't care for him and I don't think I ever will; but, knowing that I had been with him, carrying his baby...I felt like I was attached to him in a way. I see him everyday and I feel like a little bit of me is dying each day. I go on in life thinking, what if? I go in life wondering...would my life be any different if I had never been with him? I just don't know what I'd do.
I think about it every day..I think about the day I found out. The day that the doctor told me I'd be expecting. As of today, I'd be 26weeks and 3 days. I keep track, everyday and every night I go to bed thinking to myself...I wish I still had my precious miracle. My due date, February 17, 2012 and I know it's going to tear me up. It tears me up everyday. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it. I hate David for what he put me through and the things he had said about me being pregnant; but, I had decided that my baby "was" going to have his last name. I just didn't think it was right for my child to have my last name...when it was only right for baby to have it's fathers last name. It was going to be a McDowell. I scream of the choices that I had made, and when I wasn't with him except for the first and only time, I thought to myself...I can't keep letting his pathetic mistakes be a mistake in my life.
I go on everyday thinking...Maybe it's just Gods way of telling me that I wasn't meant to have a child. I was only seventeen at the time. No one wants to be a parent as a teenager in school; but, I had it in my head and my heart that it was a mistake that I made and a responsibility that I had to take. I took the responsibility of being an adult. I was innocent, I was uncontrollable when it hit me. I just felt like fading away into the distance.
When I saw things go down....I wasn't even in the fight, I just felt like I was dying a little again when I saw him fight..I felt like I was losing a part of me...again.
