a poem.

f i closed my eyes forever. would you even care?sitting alone in a crowded room, like there's no tomorrow(:where has my life gone? where is it going? where am i suppose to end up in six to twelve years? all i wanna do-all i wanna do is......love you. 

-written by: courtney walker

Monday. Dec. 13

Tomorrow I go to the doctor for me being sick for like three weeks and for my x-ray. My back has been aching for about three months now. Nothing I try works. I've tried icy hot, ice cold packs, and hot packs, but nothing seems to sooth the pain. I'll be glad when we go tomorrow we'll find out what's actually wrong with my back.

My little Phobia

So I found out recently. Well yesterday actually that I have a phobia. Didn't think I had any and I probably have more. But, anyways. I found out that I have Xerophobia. It's a fear of dryness. Yes. You could probably call me a dry freak. I can't stand to be dry in any place. I'm constantly getting my hands wet or my feet...Trying to stay moist. Well I guess it's not as bad as some phobia's. I mean, some are really weird and silly, but hey! There are people out there that have those silly phobia's.

Tobacco Festival Week

It's been so long since I last wrote in here. Well to sum things up, nothing really has happened in the last for weeks that I haven't written. 

School is beginning to get hectic. Stressful, and exhausting. I don't know anymore. Sometimes I am in a good mood and other's it's like I cant begin to explain the stress that flows through me during school. Shoo. 

Next week on the 13th, I have to go to the doctor after school. For physical therapy. I wish they would figure out what was wrong with my back. It has been hurting me for almost 3 weeks now. 

Well, I haven't really got much to say now. It's just to much to talk about sometimes..So I will just sum it all up. 

Everything Around...

School is going good, Good grades in all my classes. I'm loving my Junior year. It's really began off to a good start. The only thing I don't like is the fact that I see him everyday. .If I like him so much, I don't think I can honestly go everyday single day without saying something. I want to tell him, but there isn't probably even a fraction that he would be interested in me. I'm not being negative about myself, it's just his type doesn't fall for the type of person I am. I'm beginning to come out of my comfort zone, so I'm opening up more. I'm beginning to sing alittle more. and open up my mind to new experiences. Even though whenever I come home I am always exhausted. Going to bed around 10:30-11:00pm then having to wake up at 5:30am. Zeesh! By time school is out all I want to do is go home and relax. Along with homework it's all really tiresome. With everything that I am doing this year, This truly is the hardest year so far. But, also the funnest. (I can't remember if funnest is a word or not). Anyways, all in all I seriously and honestly love Junior year 2010-11.
Signing off, this was Courtney. Thanks for reading.

Family:)

This is me and the most important thing in my life right now. Me and My little Cousin Mollie:) She is so precious, and the only thing that actually keeps me alive. I didn't think I could ever have a more fun, and enjoyable time with anyone other than my friends. Until, Mollie was born. When Mollie was born she became my best friend. I really enjoy watching her and spending time with her. She has taught me so much within the last nine months. She's really helping me learn the things I will need to know in the future for my own children. Mollie, your cousin loves you very much. Don't forget that. I can't wait until you get older and we can begin to play games together and I shall be there anytime you need me. You're my favorite little cousin. I honestly can't believe you're already almost a year old. I love you, Mollie.

Love, P.C.

[♥]Lost?[♥] Friendship

This video is dedicated to my ex-bestfriend.
I made this video just for the fact that we we're bestfriends and when the friendship ended. i had a feeling it wasn't going to be the same again, as i was making this video for some reason i began crying. i didn't know why, but i cried from the moment i began making it until around 6:30pm. I had the strongest feeling that we weren't going to work out as friends again, because i felt like i wasn't a good enough friend for her. she seemed happier with others than she ever was with me. We began to slowly fade apart, as i began to notice the strange reactions, We hardly hung out with eachother in the end, hardly text. Hardly spoke.
The feeling you have right before something bad happens truly makes you not want to know what will happen. No one wants to lose a best friend, but i didn't feel like a best friend to her. The End, I felt like I was a side puppet. She wasn't as happy being my friend as she looked when she was with her other friends.
I wanted to throw the stuff away that she made me, gave but I can't do it. I tried to burn it, but I still couldn't do it. I don't know what I am going to do with any of it. I don't want to keep anything that was a memory of being her friend because every moment I think about the good times, it isn't good memories. I felt like I was holding her back from doing whatever she wanted to do. The heartbreak I went through. Of course she was there. but, in some hands I couldn't help her the way she needed to be helped. just brings tears to my eyes and a sick feeling in my stomach. I can't bare to see anything..Anymore.

By: Courtney Walker
END!

Liking Him....Moving On!

I can't help by the way I feel about him. I thought maybe I could just stop liking him and maybe move on. That didn't work. What would happen if he knew I liked him? Would he like me back? Would he even care? OR: Would he think I was a freak? I don't understand why guys can't just like girls for personality or sense of humor, while others are wanting popularity as a bonus. I seriously, honestly don't understand any of this. Sometimes I can look at him and try to think...why do I not like him? Why can't I just say "Okay, You don't know me or like me why can't I just forget about you?" Why isn't it that easy. There has to be something that maybe I am holding onto. Sometimes, I feel weird. because I feel as if he and his friends know that I like him and they talk about me. And I don't mean in a good way. Maybe truly, they do think I am crazy for liking such a cute, popularity boy wishing for that perfect moment. The moment where everything will be okay and will all go right. But, deep down inside I know that isn't going to happen. But, that brings back to why can't I move on? Is there something I am missing? Is it so hard to like a boy one minute then turn around the next and like someone else? I guess so. All the feelings and emotions that pass through just don't give me enough evidence. Evidence to see if there is any possibilities..

Carroll Vs. Gallatin

Tonight's Football game was GREAT!
Carroll County Vs. Gallatin County. Whoa. Carroll County! WON!
Yes, so we have won both our games so far this season. We're off to a really good start. It was all fun, I was hanging out with different people tonight. It was kind of hard to hang out with all of them though, because some of them went one way and the others went the other. It was all complicated. One minute I would be hanging out with Sara, then Kimmy, Bryan, Shawn, Amber, Haileigh, and many others. Shoo! It was all exhausting though. My Aunt (who is younger than me) is staying tonight too. She stayed with my last night while we had the Bon Fire. I'm guessing she had a good time at the game tonight, I mean I didn't hear her complain about anything so everything was good from there. All in all..It was a pretty cool and exciting night.

Football Game [Update]

Last Friday:
 August 20th, 2010


We had our first football game this day, It was great. Carroll County Vs. Bracken County.
We Won! 37-0

Go Panthers!

Anyways, Afterwards we had our first dance of the season. It was quite exciting too. All the dancing and such. It was all definitely better than the previous years. Junior year has positively been way better than the past two years that I have spent in high school.

[Caterpiller & it's Death]

[True Story]
My Friend Cynthia told me this. (Yes, She done it)

A Caterpiller was on the ceiling, and Cynthia was trying to see it with a flashlight. When she turned the flashlight towards the Caterpiller, the little thing looked into the light and fell. Committing his/her own little suicide.


[Cynthia told me this story in third period] Lol.

It's Great!

As of everything, school is great. My junior year has already started off way better then my freshman and sophomore year did. All my classes, seem to more fun. Even though with me being a junior. Junior year is the hardest grade of all the four years. I totally understand everything so far, and am really enjoying all my teachers. My favorite class so far is definitely Spanish1. Mr. McEuen. Some people say they hated it when they had this class, but I totally enjoy and understand everything so far. Nothing is coming off to hard, or to difficult for my to understand. I know later on in the year it's all going to begin to get alot harder, but as long as I keep my cards in a straight line, then I believe I am conqure it all.

today third period

Sitting in third period. and I'm being called an idiot by an idiot. How do you like them apples? Do you like them baked or satayed? lol
Today really isn't that bad today, although I wish this class would move alittle faster. It's Credit Recovery and all we do is sit on the computer and make up the credit's we haven't gotten. Of course Cynthia is crazy. and well there isn't much to do there. haha. Only four minutes until fourth period. Can't wait!, I really enjoy Biology

Spanish Greeting to Ya'll

Hola, este es mi blog del día. Como se puede ver que es español. jaja. Bueno, yo sólo quería decir que hoy ha sido muy bueno y bueno, hasta ahora estoy disfrutando mucho de tercer año de secundaria!

customized&purpose

each and every one of us have a design. 
we're all customized and have a purpose in this world. 
rather we have found it or not, we all have a path to follow. 
we all go through the up and downs, but soon realize that God has his own future for us. 
we will all soon find our destiny.
we will soon.
soon realize there is a happy ending to every bad beginning.
by:
Courtney Walker

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like I could scream at the top of my lungs and no one would hear me. What everything means when I don't know how it would be if someone cared. For them to understand what I go through. To put them in my shoes. Sometimes it feels like there is no way for people to show how they truly see me. How they feel when they are near me. For their thoughts to affect me the way they do.

Names. I've. Chosen.

July 25, 2010
Oka, so I have got a few names of mine that I truly adore and love. I have told my parent's a dozen times that these are the names I love and will choose for my children when I am ready to have children of my own. These are the different names that I can choose from, from first and middle name. Thought, I only plan to have three or four kids.

1. Elvis Garon
2. Jarvis Ray <--Chosen by my granny (& parents)
3. Jeremyiah Jude
4. Elayina Ada Mai
5. Zaqaryiah Lee
6. Evilynne LeAne
7. Inman Josiah Lee

Almost, 26 Hours

I do not know why. But, for some reason the past few nights it's either I haven't been able to get to sleep until around 4 or 5:00AM. Today, as of July 25, 2010. I have not been to sleep for almost 26 hours. I can feel my eyes being really heavy. You'd think I could sleep. But, I can't. I've tried to lie down and sleep the usual way I always do. I'm still up. Here it is 7:42AM and I'm on my laptop writing my usual blog probably writing about nothing. My habits of not being able to get enough sleep is actually causing me to lose interest in what I am doing. It's quite weird, because certain things I can't remember doing. I may be sitting here writing this, but I will probably eventually fall asleep in one point or another and not even remember writing this. But! All Well. I probably don't even make sense right now. The beauty of it is, I don't have to see what I am typing. I know where all the keys are.
I can feel my eye lids becoming quite heavy. Like they are being weighed down by 25-30 pounds weights. My Question is! How come I can't sleep? How come I can't get comfortable and try to get some rest? but, yeah I am struggling to stay awake. My reason? I don't have one.

a short poem

a short poem

i would like to be your everything
if you'd allow me.
i'd like to see you watching me when i am asleep
how you push the hair away from my eyes
the way you can hold me and everything will go right.
but where is our happy ending?
where does our fairytale begin?
-wrote by: courtney walker

Walking

I know one thing for sure. I am definitely doing myself good. For the past week me and my friend Kimmy has been walking every night around 8:00pm. I really enjoy walking more at night, because it's cooler and you don't get sweaty as much. Well me and her has been walking quite a lot for the past week. Just like tonight me and her walked for about two hours. It was a good workout for me. I really hope that walking all this much will help me lose at least a few pounds. I mean, i definitely do not wanna be skinny. I just want to be able to except myself..

Favorite Quotes from Moulin Rouge

My FAVORITE movie "Moulin Rouge" quotes (sayings) [the ones highlighted in RED are my favorite "favorite" ones.

• The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
• Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. And then, one not-so-very special day, I went to my typewriter, I sat down, and I wrote our story. A story about a time, a story about a place, a story about the people. But above all things, a story about love. A love that will live forever. The End.
• I owe you nothing. And you are nothing to me. Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love.
• Come what may, I will love you until my dying day. 
• Tell our story Christian, that way I'll-I'll always be with you.
• No! Love is like oxygen
• Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love.
• My gift is my song. And this one's for you. And You Can Tell Everybody That this is your song. It may be quite simple but now that it's done. I hope u don't mind I hope You don't mind That I put down in words... How Wonderful Life is Now you're in the world.
• Never fall for a women that sells herself, it always ends bad.
• Then I'll write a song and we'll put it in the show and whenever you sing it or hear it. Or whistle or hum it then you'll know. It'll mean that we love one another.

Few of my favorite sayings:)

These are a few sayings that I really find interesting. :)

1. i'd rather be hurt by the truth than pretected by a lie :(
2. i didn't write a whole paragraph for you to say "lol"
3. Parents call it "talkback" i call it Explaining.!
4. If ur so sorry, why did you do it again?
5. The urge to smile when your getting in trouble.
6. every girl needs a boy bestfriend :)
7. That 1 boy you probably will never loose feelings for <3 :/
8. I wish you lived closer :/
9. i've been caught smiling at texts:)
10. i stepped on a corn flake, does that mean i am a cereal killer?
11. your first love will always have a handprint on your heart. 
12. Waiting for a reply at night. Next morning , "DARN ! I FELL ASLEEP !"
13. i love listening to lies, when i know the truth
14. if i say "i love you" then i mean it
15. Love has no past tense. There's no such thing as "I loved" You either love someone or never did in the first place
16. 10 things you never knew you wanted until you had a dream
17. i think it's cute when a boy gets jealous
18. if you don't understand my silence, then won't understand my words.
19. you know my name, not my story

Long lost poem

this is actually one of my older poems, more like one the first ones i wrote. :)

i just found it..

another day goes by as though i don't know understand why.
the pattern of life itself has overcome the.
the true person lies within you, not as the person you reconize, but as a friend, as a life, as a hero.

Believin

Well being back for about a week now from Church Camp, and I feel I have definitely changed. I feel that I have definitely became a better person and I have also realized alot of things along the way. Everything around me has became a total wake up call. Knowing that certain things that I was doing before hand wasn't probably the best choice. but, now I have understood that I am forgiven and that no matter what I may do in the future. God will definitely lead me down the right path that's chosen for me.
and thank you, for those who believe in me and the ones who believe that I can still keep changing as long as I believe. For those who helped me in the past and who are willing to help me in the future. Thanks to all!

A Short Poem

it's easy to look up at a sky and say it's beautiful, to say the wind gives us chills, and that
the flowers smell so sweet. but, why isn't that easy to say those
things to someone that you like?

Written by: Courtney Walker
July 12, 2010

Family Vacation

Yesterday was really nice. We arrived here at the cabin and unpacked everything. Shortly afterwards, me and Erika got into the jacuzzi. It was cold at first but I got used to it all. It's great here. I really enjoy the cabin and later on, me and Erika may go walking on the trails. I'm just sitting here at the table watching Mollie in her crib..she's just jumping around and trying to talk.

Back Home from Camp

Carroll Co. , Grant Co. , & Frankfort, Ky

Summer Scream was truly a great experience for any young teenager. I really enjoyed myself and all the fun they provided for us. I got filled with the Holy Spirit, and spoke in tongues. I got saved of all the things that I had earlier regretted. I realized a lot of things that I had thought and wished I hadn't done wasn't all necessarily my fault. God loves me and all of you for who you are. I made a lot of friends and really enjoyed getting to other people from other parts of Kentucky, Tennessee, Illinois and Indiana. Also the Team Competition's were a blast, even though the first two days I couldn't do anything because my left leg had began to hurt me really bad. but I prayed and prayed until God healed me. I am so thankful that I feel I have learned and still have yet to learned about him. I really, really loved the Morning and Evening Sessions too. All the songs we're really touching. A few of my favorites we're Freedom is Here, You are Good, Jump Around, Second Chance, Hosanna. Sometimes we sing the song(s) Hosanna and Second Chance at my church (Family Worship) and I just truly love them. If you haven't heard any of these songs I surely recommend you too. I met some really cool people and I really enjoyed meeting Brooklynn Melton, April Heifner, and Bethany Alloway. I talked to them quite often throughout camp and it was truly an honor to meet them. I think that out of the Team Competitions that I got to do, my favorite was the Tug-A-War.

Lip Sync! (Three Songs)

I was just really bored sitting at my house, waiting for time to fly by. I was running on twenty-four hours of no sleep. So I lipsynced three different songs:) Check them out and tell what you think. Thanks. Oh, and I will write my newest blog on July 2. When I get back home from camp. See ya'll. 

[Bad Day] - Lip Sync

[Eye of the Tiger] -Lip Sync

[Mr. Sandman] -Lip Sync

Tomorrow is the day.

Well today is my last day home. I will be leaving tomorrow at 5:45a.m. for Summer Scream (youth camp). It's located in Rushville, IL. It's about a seven hour drive from here in Carrollton, Ky. I will be out of this place, and who knows. While, I am gone I might be able to get some more thoughts for my Novel.
Another thing. About today. I met some Authors. It was a great experience. I had heard of a couple of the books by the three Authors. I really wanted to get one of the books and have them sign it, but my mom wouldn't let me get one right then and now. She was actually just in the Book Place for her books she is needing for school. I got to meet Magdalena Scott, Jan Scarbrough, and Maddie James. I am definitely going to have to buy a couple of their books. My first one will probably be the Ladies of Legend series.
Now I must make sure I have everything packed and I am not forgetting anything..Clothes (Check), Shoes (Check), Shampoo (Check), Conditioner (Check), Towels (Check)...yep. I seem to have everything I need, as of now.

About Me..Most People Do Not Know!

Okay, So I have plans for my future. And Sometimes I speak out loud without thinking first. What can I say? I take some many things after my father, Billy. I don't like people talking while I am talking. I hate it when people interrupt me. I hate the color Green. I don't like running. I love to walk. I love dodge ball. I hate squares, but I love circles. I find Vampires and Dark things awesome. I love Purple&Black. The slightest things interest me. I do the opposite of what people tell me to do. I live for my lord and savior Jesus Christ. I get along with everybody. I don't hate anyone. Hate is a strong word. I love taking things to extreme measures. If someone was standing on a bridge about to jump, I would be right there beside them trying to talk them out of it. I like shiny things. I love new surroundings. I try new things rather it's stupid or fun. I'll try anything once. I am a Fear Factor type of person. I don't really like smiling, unless I have to. I love taking pictures, but I hate School pictures. I love to write, sometimes to much detail. I'm a curious type of person. I'm protective of others. I have a huge family. I am like #37 of 100 Grandchildren. I am an only child. My Parents are more like siblings to me. I love English. I hate Math and Science. Last time I checked I was a sixteen year old female. I pretty short (5'3") Cute cartoons amaze me. I like Arbys. I am a Junior! Size 8 in shoes. haha. I think short people are cute. I think long words are funny. I can't pronounce Wedding Ring right. My besfriends are Erika and Danielle. I got a newest member of my friends, and I truly adore him. Anthony. I often talk to myself. I like my own company. I love Long Horns bread. I love ferrets, they are my favorite animal. I love cute logo shirts. I love Lemons:). I often go into a daydream. I can't focus on something for too long. I'm addicted to facebook. I love texting. Ewan McGregor is cute:) I love tomato&Pickle juice. Swiss Cheese is good.

and..Guess what?

I'm Courtney Walker. 

Thanks for reading:)

One More..Day.

Today has been pretty good. I have to finish packing by tomorrow and make sure I have everything. because I am leaving this Sunday for Summer Scream:) I have the rest of tonight, then tomorrow. On Sunday morning I have to be up by 5:00A.M. because I have to be at church by 5:45A.M. I can't wait. I hoping that when I go, I will be able to learn more of the word of God. and maybe learn to change myself around. I'm not saying it will change my life, but I am looking to find who God truly wants me to be.

Three Movies, Wonderful, Lovable

I have watched three different movies within the last week and they have all put me on the edge of my seat:) First, I watched "Leap Year", "When in Rome" & "Remember Me..." These three movies we're very good and very recommending. Definitely "Remember Me..." I never cried so hard on a movie since my favorite movie Moulin Rouge. I loved how these movies we're definitely in my favorite category of a genre "Romance" and I would really recommend you try watching these movies, If not all of them..I'd really recommend "Remember Me..."

Feelings that shall pass

I had one of my feelings again. Not the best time for me to begin thinking about this. I just know in time everything shall pass and I must move on with it all in my past. I couldn't believe it how I was just sitting here watching a video of someone's story they made on youtube, and it reminded me of so much that I have loved and lost. I know I can conquer this pain..I just have to try my hardest and believe I can.
As I move along and start to occupy myself, I shouldn't have to feel it anymore. I just need to remember that everything in the past is in the past for a reason, and there is a reason that any of it isn't in my future.

Friends...Again!

I did something this morning I didn't think I was ever going to do. I texted Kimberly and told her that I was sorry for everything. I didn't think I was going to do it. I didn't think I could ever apologize, but I realized that the fight between us wasn't just her fault. but, mine too. I told I was sorry and that she didn't need to forgive me, but she did. and we're friends again! I don't know if we'll ever be best friends, but as long as we're friends..I will perfectly happy.

Beautiful...

I heard one of the most beautiful songs that I have ever heard in my existence. The words within the song touched me. I couldn't believe on how it made me feel as a heard those words come out the guys mouth. The words sending waves through my head causing me to just relax and want to hear it over and over again. Like a never ending force. It's called "Hands to Heaven" by Breathe. I know it's an older song, in the 1980's to be exact, but I had just heard it recently and I fell in love with it.

Preface (to my novel)

The rain pouring upon my face. Pouring down from my forehead into my eyes, hiding the tears I had cried. I couldn't believe what had just happened. Getting kicked out of your own home at sixteen years old. This was the final straw. My dad didn't want me anymore. I disappointed him, but he is the one that is a disappointment to our family. He's a drug addict and he tells I am the one that needs help. My mother couldn't of stopped him even if she wanted to. He would beat her when was drugged and sober. What was I going to do? I lost my mom, my family and my home, all in one day. I had no place to go.
Walking, shivering, losing blood from where my dad had hit me in the face. I didn't know what to do, so I sat on the corner of twelfth Avenue in the pouring rain for about twenty minutes until a car pulled up beside the street next to me.
"Do you need a lift?" the voice inside the car said. I stood up and caught my balance, but then fainted. Did I mention that I hadn't ate? 

June. 23. 2010

Well, as of now it is June 23rd 2010. 

I have exactly three days to be ready for Summer Scream. I have to be up around 5-5:30am Sunday morning and have to be at the church by 6:00am. It is going to so much fun. I can't wait to go. There is actually only about a total of five or six of us going and I don't really talk to the people that will going too. So I don't know how the trip there will be like. No idea on how long of a drive it is, so for the most part I will probably be sitting by myself writing my novel. listening to music and texting (around dinner). Until then, I'll be sleeping. 

(My Living room just brighten up real quick, the sun is rising)

Anyways, I have to begin packing today after I actually finally fall asleep and such. I haven't got the slightest clue to as to what I will be taking. but I know one thing..When I get to Summer Scream, I won't be able to have my cellphone. I'll be able to have it all the way, until we get there. Six days without my cellphone. Whoa. I certainly hope I will be occupied. But I am sure I will. I'll be gone from June/27-July/2. 

Then on July 4, I have my cousin Debbie & Boo's fourth of July hogroast:) Can't Wait. My Friend, Erika has to stay with me that Sunday, so she will going with us. Yippee. 

On July 5, We will all be leaving for Family Vacation to Laurel Lake. My aunt Crystal got to take her new boyfriend, so I get to take my bes-tie Erika. It's going to be a great a fun week. Even if the family trip is only for four days. haha. 

Then...July 11, I have my family reunion. Erika might go with me to this too. I haven't really asked my parent's about this one yet, but I'm pretty sure they won't mind it, even the thought of my family reunion I'll know I am going to be really bored. So Erika could keep me company. Especially, on the big inflatables:)

Bed

Hmm. Well Today is Wednesday. And I still haven't been to bed. For some reason for the past few nights I haven't been getting to bed until about 4:30am. It's not because I want to stay up, but it's where I can't sleep. I toss and turn. And today, well yesterday..I still can't sleep, but this time I haven't slept yet. It's been almost, not quite, but almost twenty-four hours since I have been awake. It's sitting here being 7:06am. At least this way, I have all kinds kind of stuff on my mind that I have written about at least two or three things so far.
I'm not even tired. It's more of a boring feeling, than a tired feeling. And...in about an hour my parents will be waking up for work, and if I am still awake they will probably be asking me "Why are you still up? Have you went to bed yet?" and my answer will be. "Nope."

Best.Friends

Since about a week ago, I lost my best friend, Kimberly. I couldn't handle fighting with her any longer, one minute we we're best friends, the next we we're fighting. It goes to show that she wasn't truly my Best Friend, because all my friends know that I have quite a temper and that sometimes I speak with thinking about it. She took everything seriously. She didn't understand anything that I talked about, yeah she tried. but it never seemed to be an "honest" awarding opinion that I was looking for. I thought she was my best friend, but turns out my best friend was always staring me in the face. I guess I just wanted to know what it felt like to have a new best friend. It's great to know that I still have my old (two) best friends in the world with me. Danielle & Erika. They didn't go far, but I'm glad I am back with them. I felt lost all those times that I wasn't with them. And Well...When I left, they begin to move closer as best friends. I started to feel left out, but turns out that I was doing the same thing to them. I don't ever want to feel like that again, because another weird thing about is. That I have known Dani since Kindergarden. And Well..Erika moved her when I move back in the seventh grade. We became really good friends, especially after she had lost her best friend, Elizabeth. Something from all this that I have learned is that, Friends don't live you behind. I mean sure you'll quarrel and such. But you'll always find you way back home to where you belong.
Thank you,
 Courtney

Summer? Boring

I have taken my time out of writing on my blog. Why? You may ask. Well I haven't really had much to say, it's summer and it's quite boring. All I can think of is that all I have done for the past months since school has been out is...Oh My! I've already been out of school for a month? Whoa. How time flies. Well, All I have done is practically sit on my couch on my laptop.
It's been a boring Summer I can tell you that much. Except this Sunday. I will be leaving. Thank you!

My Letter To My dad

Well I feel like I am being trapped and not giving opportunity i should have. So I wrote my dad a three page letter to what I hope he can understand and let alone all the past and start off new. To let me decide for myself how my life should go and let me make my own mistakes in the process. To trust me. To give me the freedom that I feel like I deserve.

If only

I love it how my day can be going terribly until I see you in the hallway. Seeing you're face even if you don't know if I exist, just brightens my day. 

I really wonder when I pass you and you glance at me just the one second if I ever cross your mind when you cross mine. 

I wonder if when I'm lying in bed and I see you when I close my eyes, do you see me when you close yours. 

I wonder if you ever talk about me when I talk about you.

I wonder if you could actually like me, instead of me always daydreaming about you. 

If only you were the guy I wish you was. 

The type of guy that doesn't care what other people think. 

The type of guy that would show me to your friends.

The type of guy that wouldn't care what your friends would think of me. 

If only...

If only...you loved me. 

If only you loved me like I love you.

Illusion

Sometimes I feel like ending it all with shattered glass upon the window. With the shadows upon my last breath and the whispers within my mind. It's all going to be an ending disaster. Lately the pain has began to sink inside, creating a illusion of fear...the fear of never returning to reality. I fear my life itself is trying to tell me something but I can't work the right buttons to make it all go. It all feels like my life has come to a dead stop...a dead end leading nowhere. Something, someone out there isn't ready to be discovered, not just yet. I know there is something pulling me towards a path I'm scared to take. A never-ending road. Like a totally different world beyond this one. Giving us all a weird look on life within our own souls given to us, for a very good reason. If only each and every one of us had a soul and heart to look into each other to see what the other person was truly and painfully feeling.

A question to think about is: Do you ever look at someone and wonder what there lives are truly like? Like it would be to be in their shoes? Would you ever think about giving up to understand why some of us treat others the way we do?

I don't understand is, if the world was to end tomorrow, I just wish we could of found that one true love at the end of the road and wonder what it truly felt like to be loved for once and feel the emotions. To be loved for who we truly are and there would be no regret within our souls, nothing to lose or regret. At the end of the day, daily..I sit back and wonder what did I do wrong today? Why am I still sitting here and wishing my life was like a fairytale? Why aren't with someone that loves for who I am and thank God for it? I don't know. I just haven't gotten my chance in the spotlight of anything. I haven't accomplished anything, not yet.

Crying and eating isn't always the explanation for anything we do and say. Some of us, speak out of hate when we're around people. Some of us speak out of fear. And some. Well some of us just don't speak at all. Not being loved or wanted can/will cause some of us to do some of the most excruciating things. There are people out there that will go through life normal. Until, they are behind closed doors. Then they begin to be in a depressed stage. Some of us, just don't want to feel like a part of the world. To be alone, is the only thing most of us have anymore. When other people see this person, they brush it off and don't give a dang*. But, do you even realize what this world and emotions have done to these people? Do you understand most of us, are being tortured from the outside-in. To be wanted and love is all the most of us want and need at the moment. We created our own little world, because you decide to push most of us out. You create an illusion to block us. To most of us, it isn't (and shouldn't be) based on looks. It's what's within the soul and heart. What comes from within is what counts.

Think about the most things in life. Being cherished and loved for who you are is the most precious thing we could ever look for in this lifetime. Think about what you're doing before you ever begin to do it. It could change your life without you even knowing it. The slightest thing could help change your life around and maybe become something and someone that will maybe be important in this world. We're all special in our own ways; and we're all created to be who we are rather it's skinny, chubby, big-boned, or even fat. But we're all loved and cherished in one way or another. There is and will be someone out there for everyone, no matter what other people say by saying you'll never get anyone. It isn't true. We're all pretty, gorgeous, or even beautiful in our own way. We just have to find our inter-beauty. Our true path toward destiny.


Thanks,

Courtney Walker

May/30-Newport Aquarium

I had alot of fun today too. The day after I go to the Zoo, I end up going to the aquarium:). I seen all the fish and stuff. My little cousin Mollie who's only 6 months old, was really amazed by all the fish. She really enjoyed the sharks.

May 29/Louisville Zoo

On May 29, Me & My parents went to the Louisville Zoo. It was great. It wasn't as boring as I thought it would be. I was really wanting my best friend, Kimmy to go with us. But my parent's wouldn't let her. Oh well! I had a very good time there with them. I got to see my favorite animal:) Meerkats. The Meerkats are my favorite animal of all time, then it's ferrets:) My dad also got to see his favorite animal too. The Gorilla's. JoJo isn't there anymore, so my dad has a new one that he likes. His name is Timmy.

After Youth at McDonald's

It's been a few days since I last wrote on here. Yesterday was Sunday, and it was Kimmy's first day at youth. She loved it. So now we're going to have to start taking her with us. It was an awesome day. Me, Josh and Kimmy all went to McDonald's after youth. We had a good time at first, but then as we we're getting ready to leave we seen these two really guys walk in. It took me a second to recognize the one. He was the one guy that I had seen a month before and I said he had a cute butt. Me and Kimmy began laughing so hard. The guys just kept looking at us and smiling. I couldn't help but laugh. After me and Kimmy got our McFlurries we walked back out to Josh's car and was still laughing our butts off. Even Josh was laughing. We sat there for a few seconds then seen the guys walking out. We began to pull out and they we're right behind us. Almost got hit in the tail end trying to pull out. They went out around us and got in front. the two guys were staring out the back of there truck at us. We went right beginning home, when all of a sudden they ended up being two trucks behind us.  They followed us about 8 miles from McDonald's then pulled down another road. that was a hilarious and awesome day after youth. I'll tell you what. We have got to totally do it again sometime.

Family Night: FALLEN

Last night I watched a really great movie. In my opinion I hope they create a second part to it. It was called FALLEN. With Paul Wesley. If you have ever seen The Vampire Diaries, then I really recommend that you will like this movie.

Matthew!

A poem by Courtney Walker


I woke up this morning thinking you was beside me.
I miss your strong arms holding me in the morning.
Your voice shooting like rockets up my spine.
The smell of your cologne when you hugged me.
Your gorgeous hazel eyes
Your smile.
Everything about you was perfect.

What happened?
Why did it all have to happen?
It's been exactly one year today...since your death.
Your beautiful and wonderful son learned his first words.
Jason (our son) made me cry today.
His first words were daddy.
Matt, I Love You, I Miss You.
Why did he have take you?
Even though it's been a year. it's so hard to live with the fact that your gone.
Jason reminds me so much of you.

He has your hair, your eyes.
even your smile.
I think if i hadn't told you that i was pregnant
This would of never of happened.
It's my fault.
It's my fault your gone.
Why did I have to be so stupid??
Why couldn't it have been me?

He doesn't understand that all this is killing me.
The beauty of it is...Jason is like a reincarnation of you.
He's like you in every way.
No matter what he does. He's like you 100%
Matthew! please...forgive me for all i have caused you.

I WENT

A poem by Courtney Walker


I called you today!
But i forgot u can't answer your phone anymore
I got on MSN last night waitin'
But i forgot u deleted yours
I got u a rose
But it died
I wrote you a letter
But It flew away
I waited for you at the park
But u didn't show
I went to our favorite resturant
But u didn't make it
I went to the old grave yard
And.....................
I layed at your grave for hours hoping u would come back to me!

I Wish

A poem by Courtney Walker


I wish I had the ony guy
I wish he luved me for me
I wish i wasn't alone all the time
I wish he was there for me
I wish I could to him about everythine that was bothering me
I wish I could be with him
I wish he was with me
I wish I could talk to him
I wish I could see him
I wish he seen me for me
I wish I was his
I wish he was mine
I wish we we're together
I wish he would stop thinking of what his friends would say
I wish loved eachother forever 

Truly

A poem by Courtney Walker


* You Don't know what it feels like to to have your heart ache unitil you go through the hallways of school, and you always see couples together holding hands and kissing.
* Knowing no one likes you or wants you
* To Feel the pain throbbing in your chest, thinking that there is someone out there for you.
* To Think that the guy that you liked, liked you too. But it all turn out to be all wrong. A Lie
* To Wonder if when a guy stares at you whenever he see's you. If it's a good or bad thing.
* Wondering if when you look at him and he is looking back at you. If he truly likes you, or it's just out of habit.
* Just wishing that someday you will get a text from someone, you can't figure who it is. then you begin to talk and then come to find out that it was that guy that you had liked for the longest time.
* To Wish he will ask you out and show you off to his friends. And he won't care what they think. because he knows, he likes you for who you are. Not what you come off to be.
* Truly feeling loved. Someone to be there when I need him. Someone to show me off to the world. To hold me when I'm scared and lonely, even upset.
* I've liked all the wrong guys. Because it has always turned out where they would say "I Like You" but then they would end up ignoring me. Like I wasn't even there.
* I don't know if it's the end or the beginning of a wonderful or horrible dream! 

Remember...

A poem by Courtney Walker


I can remember the feeling i had when you told me
"I love you"
the feeling i had inside was so wonderful
i don't think there was a pure definition of how i felt
I haven't known you for more than about five minutes and i already know that, this time i have finally found someone for me
I would of never met you if it wasn't for her
she is my bestie
my friend
my sister
I'm thankful i have you now in my life
we can do wonders with this one we call "love"
The sudden chills i get when i know that i love you is like a true fairytale coming true
but then something happened.....
now I'm scared for the both of us.
i want to be with you right now.
to be beside you, to show you how much you matter to me
because I'm telling you now, "I Love You"
and i think, even when i didn't know you. i think i loved you then too
I want to spend the rest of my life with you
not someone like you, but with you
you are my fairytale ending come true
I want be with you forever, knowing that when you come home and say "i Love You"
i know you really mean it.
i can remember when you told me you "love me"
i can remember when you told me "I'm not like other guys"
i can remember when you told me "i want to be with you forever"
i can remember when you told me "i can see us married, me loving you as much as i do now"
with what has happened, i really hope this comes true
i want to spend the rest of my life with you too.
in a few years, i want to be Mrs. Griffin
I will love you, forever and always.

just remember...."i love you"
and i will be right here waiting for you to come home! 

Lovely Precious

A poem wrote by Courtney Walker. 


She laid in bed sobbing of what he had done to her. she didn't know what she was going to do. it had been a few months and yet she still thought about him. he left her for someone else. he yelled at her.
she began cutting her wrists
she tried everything in her power to kill herself..then she found out she was pregnant.
she wanted to tell him so badly that it hurt more than the cuts did. she screamed herself to sleep when she found out. the only thing had left was that baby. she lost her mom when she six, lost her dad when she thirteen...and lost her boyfriend a few months ago.
she's only sixteen and pregnant. she didn't know what to do next. she kept thinking she wanted to get rid of it. abortion or adoption? she didn't know...but then it was to late to do it. then that precious little thing was born.
she looked down at the hopeless little girl she had brought into the world. how could she be so stupid to try her and baby. she look down at the little girl in her arms and said "your name is Precious" and thats what she really was. a precious child. a precious life. a precious soul brought into this world by a lonely girl who made one mistake. 

Practical. Day.

Today was a practical normal day at school. We are beginning to review for the Final Exams next week. It was a slow/good paced day. How come you may ask? Well most of the day when we weren't doing anything I would sleep through the class. So it was a good paced day. This morning I found out that I qualified for AP English. That's Awesome-ness:) It's for college credit, so I am totally going to take it. Something really weird. Lately there is only one song I have been listening to lately. It's "Jessie's Girl" the Glee version. Not the Rick Springfield version of the song.
Well there is no school tomorrow. Fun. Probably go walking and think about some things that I really need to get off my mind. I have a lot of things going on in my head right now. So much has to be said, but can't. There not my secrets to tell. It's a painful experience to have so many friends that can trust you and that you can trust. The only thing is I have one true friend that I know I will always be able to talk to and be able to tell anything too. Isn't it quite weird that you and your best friend go through the same problems at the same time? I call it true friendship. We're friends, best friends, family, sisters. Always will love my best friend Kimberly.

Party.

It's been a couple days since I last wrote on my blog. I had alot of fun last night. I went to D & R's place. They we're throwing Roy a party since he'll be leaving on Wednesday for a job in Florida. I hung out with a few friends and went walking with Matt. Hadn't seen him in forever so we talked and cracked up. It was hilarious on some of the things. I was going to stay at Haley's and Camp out with her. But by time I was done hanging out with everyone and such. I was tired. Other than when I got home and practically went to bed. I had loads of fun.  Gonna have to do again..and soon. :) 

Daybreakers [Family Movie Night]

Family Movie Night. Last night we watched an awesome movie called Daybreakers. I really recommend it to anyone who loves/likes vampire movies. To sum it up, it's about the world in the year 2019. When everyone has became vampires and there is only about 25% humans left in the world. Ethan Hawke stars as Edward Dalton. A vampire trying to find the cure to become human again. Trying to help the world become a human race once again. I truly recommend this movie and I would definitely watch it again I give it 5 stars *****. 

Storm Hits Carrollton

Today started off as a good day. Until around first period when the big storm hit us. During first period we began to hear thunder coming from within the hallways. Concerned what was going to happen, the lights began to flicker in some parts of the school. Lightening struck one of the speakers and it began a static sound. A friend of mine was sitting in the hallway working on a project and sparks flew out of the light down on top of her. Sparks flew out of the smart boards. Here I am sitting in third period and I really want to go home. I want to be with my parents. During storms I haven't got a good feeling about them. If I'm away from home when there is a storm and I don't know how to get a hold of my mom or dad in any way, I begin to feel worried. Neither one of my parents have minutes on their phones, so I can' text them to see how they are. Carrollton has got Flash Flood warnings. I love storms, don't get me wrong. But I feel I shouldn't be here worried while they may be home and I have no way to contact them.

My Tribute to the King (Elvis Presley)

My Tribute to Elvis Aaron Presley, I made the other night.

Elvis & Me: Review

Last night I watched a movie that i have read the book of 6 times. Elvis & Me By: Priscilla Beaulieu Presley. I cried so hard on that book and cried even harder when I finally watched the movie for the first time last night. A few things in the movie we're definitely weren't in the book. Priscilla just didn't write half that stuff into her book, why would they want to put it in the movie if she didn't write it? Anyways, I loved the movie twice as much as I loved the book. The story of Priscilla and Elvis was a excruciating story of love and sacrifice. You would never think that from watching Elvis' movies, that his life was like that. The drugs of how it all changed his life and the emotions he couldn't just feel for Priscilla. His life was an ending disaster in the end. He couldn't get away from the drugs (sleeping pills, awakening pills). Watching his movies you would think that his life was perfect when he was on the big screen. But truly, he never wanted to act and sing at the same time. He wanted to be taken as a serious actor. Priscilla loved Elvis (and probably still does to the day), and Elvis loved Priscilla. Everything just began to fall apart as Elvis started to go down hill in his career.
Elvis Presley born January 8, 1935, Died August 16, 1977.
I was raised on Elvis Presley's music and his performances in movies. I never have seen nor heard a better actor and singer. He will always be my number one favorite. Just wish I was alive when he was around. Elvis was a definition of the perfect singer/actor. I just wish he put more effort into keeping away from drugs as he put into them.

This movie Elvis & Me is definitely a have-to-see movie. Also along with the book Elvis & Me, you must read it. If you're as much as a Elvis fan as I am.

Considering A Relationship? Too Soon?

Texting a friend a few hours ago and finally found out that the guy I have been talking to lately likes me. I can't believe it, I haven't dated anyone since my last boyfriend Adam. I'm not sure that I'm ready to move on, it's only been a few short months since the tragedy and I don't think I can simply just pretend like nothing happened. Is it wrong to move on from a tragedy that happened to not only the person, but to yourself too? January was only a few short months ago and I don't think it's time to move on, but I need some kind of motivation to be able to find me someone to make me happy. Adam told me to move on and make sure that if anything ever happened to him just to make the best of it and never forget him. 
January was only four and half months ago and I don't know if it's time to be able to make the next step. It hurts me just to write and try to think of what can be, but is it alright? Is it the right thing to do because Adam told me too? 

Family Movie Night

Well we're going to start having a family night, and last night was our first day of it. We watched the perfect movie. At first me and my dad went to redbox and I didn't see no movies at the kroger redbox, so we went to the McDonald's one. I seen Sorority Row..and I just had to get it. It was a great movie, and I know we're just going to have to buy it.
Theti Pi must Die:)

To Be...LOVED?

Being lost within the total destruction of this world isn't the only thing that seems to be ending humanity. Some of us begin to wonder if there are any possibilities of love, and being trusted. What does it truly feel like to be loved by the one and only guy that you had liked since maybe Kindergarden? What would it be like to be in a fairytale? Some of us feel as if we're being shredded of love and torture. Some of us don't feel like there is anything besides love in our lives...and it begins to eat at us. Begins to eat at us, and tear our souls to tiny bits before there isn't anything left. Can any of really explain the definition of L.O.V.E? I don't think we can, because to me, there is no pure definition of it. Each and everyone of us have our own definition of what love is and why it is what it is. You could say most of us are just practicing until we meet and have the actual person we're looking for, just haven't found them yet.

Courtney L. Walker