Christmas Eve

Yesterday, Jordan and I went to Versailles, KY for Christmas. I met his dad's side of the family and I can definitely say that I like his dad's better than his mom's. It was a really good day for me to be able to meet of them. 

I Want to Describe My Love for You.

I know you probably won't read this..so it works perfectly for me to write when I need too and help myself understand. This way when I'm feeling really low and down, I can just re-read this and remind myself. A short note, plus a list of things I need.

Dear Jordan,
     Did you know that I loved you? I mean, I may even love you more than you realize...more than I realize. What I can really say is that I can't describe how much I love you. Every day is a new beginning for me, because I try to forget all of the fighting the day before and try to start over the next day. Which I seem to fail at alot. I've tried to describe my love for you, to you...multiple times, but I just can't seem to break it down to the actual amount that I love you.
You're the man I've dreamed so much about, and never knew it until we met. When you walked into my life, I'd thought you'd be just another friends-with-benefits. I didn't expect to fall so hard for you, then be so scared to lose you too. You made me scared to want to wake up every morning, not in a bad way that you may be thinking, but a way that I'm afraid that I'm going to wind up waking up one morning and you'll be gone. I won't have your kisses anymore, I won't know what your hugs feel like, and I won't even remember why we were together.
You've told me multiple times that my dreams aren't real and they won't come true, but if you could feel my dreams. I've been having the worst dreams that I could ever possibly have. They involve Anna-Leigh, Megan, and now they involve Alexis. I've always been big on dreams, and I've always found myself trying to figure out the meaning within dreams. Maybe you're right, maybe I am scared that you're going to run off with one of them...but you need to realize too..You had a life before me. You had a promise to withhold with Anna-Leigh. You had a relationship that was building with Alexis. I just budged in and ruined it for you.
Do you still not regret me? Do you still love me from the first moment you first told me that. I can still remember the first time I told you that I love you. Do you know the real reason why I had chosen to tell you in the shower? I decided to tell you for the first time that I loved you in the shower because I wanted you to be able to see me without my clothes on, for you to be able to accept me for my body, my flaws, and all. And you did. You accepted me and I knew I loved you.
How could you love someone like me? That's the question that I've been asking myself lately. I'm like a home wrecker in my eyes at least and you seem to constantly see this beauty that I never see. You find myself within your eyes and know exactly when there is something wrong. I hate it how you can read me sometimes, because when you ask me what's wrong, I don't want to answer because I know we'll just fight about it.
You've become the reason that I wake up every morning. As much as I've tried to explain, I am scared. I'm scared that I'm not the one that you deserve as much as you love me. To be honest, I'd never thought I was going to find love. I'd thought I was just going to wind up falling for men over and over again, then them using me when they needed. When I see you, my heart skips a beat. When I lay next to you, I feel your heartbeat within my fingertips. When I lay upon your chest, I can feel how close I can really get.
I'm beginning to make my mind understand what my heart is, my heart knows that I love you and that I won't lose you to anybody else. My mind gets in the way and it causes all of these problems, sometimes a fight. My mind makes me believe that there will be someone else, someone to steal you away like I did with any other girl that wanted you. I don't want to lose you in any way, you remind me everyday of how you love me and tell me how I'm a dork, but you love every bit of it. Well, I love you and every bit of my soul, emotions, and words go towards you.
I can still remember the first time you told me that you loved me. It was September 10th. You and I were in class and I asked my mom if she'd give you a ride home. She said yes, but she had a few things that she needed to do before hand. She dropped us off at Butler and we'd just played on the jungle jim and you were acting just crazy as can be. I loved every bit of it, because I'd really felt like I knew you were such a dork, but I loved it about you. We'd sat on the slide and then I'd began to cry about how I didn't want to be friends-with-benefits. Then, you'd gotten aggression and said that we weren't friends with benefits. We were more, then you'd said you loved me. I'd back away from you and said what? Then you said that I had heard you, I did..I was just upset that I was afraid we weren't going to be anymore than what we were before.

Darlin' I wish I could help you understand that I'm not trying to push you away. Lately, I'm afraid that if I pull you in too close, that you'll push away from me. I'm kind of back in the stage where I'm afraid. Do you remember when I was like this when we first began to talk? I'm trying to keep you happy, but I feel like such a disappointment. I'm not trying to make this hard on you, I love you. I'm just trying to make myself understand as well as help you understand why I've been the way I have been lately. I've come to a conclusion, which I don't want you to lose control over or attitude. Maybe, it's just my hormones...I mean, really. I, uh feel as if lately...it seems like I hadn't felt this way before...and now, it's like everything is getting sucked out of me and I'm afraid. Yes. I'm blaming it all on my hormones, because I've talked to a couple of my friends because I'm worried about what is going to happen next. I never had these thoughts before we found out that I was pregnant...remember? I promise you, I'm trying to make this clear in my head as much as helping you. I don't want you to have to deal with this for six more months, so I think there is something that I need to create or come up with that can help me stop us from starting things between one another. I just wish you'd actually read this.
You got mad the other night that I had written a status. A status about me not being able to talk to someone when I needed too, and that apparently you had taken it the wrong way. I didn't mean for it to sound like there was something wrong...because there wasn't, nor is there. I just stated that I felt as if I was fading. That's all, and you seemed to have thrown it out of proportion. You said that I can talk to you anytime and that you'll listen, right. Well, I mean...it does seem like the last two times that we've tried to have a conversation, you've gotten an attitude about it. You want me to talk to you, but you always get an attitude. It's like I'm not aloud to speak my mind when it's needed. You want me to tell you when something is wrong, and I know it's just my hormones getting too me, because after all this never happened before and you know it. I am sorry, I'm sorry that it has been happening non-stop and I wish I could take it back. You don't deserve the trouble I put upon you. You don't deserve me constantly being mad at you. You don't deserve it.

Love,
Patricia.

Things about you that I love:

• Your eyes
• Your smile
• The way you look at me
• The feeling I get when you caress my cheek
• Your kisses
• That you love me
• Your personality
• The way you're honest about everything
• That you try everyday to keep me happy
• Your voice
• When you hold me
• How you'll just lay with me when I need you the most. 
• When you say I love you

I've stolen a love that was Made

I feel like this is going to be a rant. It's going to be a true and honest thought post that is just going to contain every detail that is on my mind right now.
I remember....Five month ago, I met Jordan. Things started off to where I had just wanted another fuck buddy. I didn't want anything serious, because after all I had just broken things off with Jacob. I didn't want to be serious with Jordan. I first met him on August 13th and I can still remember that it was the first day of class. I still think about this day everyday, as along with all of the others too.
I don't know what to do honestly, I remembered that when Jordan and I had made it clear that we were open to read messages from each other's Facebook, how I remember reading the one's from Anna-Leigh. I constantly got mad over, not upset, but mad. Then, I'd read other messages from other girls, he'd been talking to around the time that we'd met and began talking ourselves. I couldn't get mad, after all he'd been talking to three girls before me.
He'd been talking to a friend of his, which he is still friends with...Alexis. I've become quite close with her and she is a pretty cool chick, it just effected me in a weird way when I was remembering what I'd read a few months ago. They'd been talking about being together, a never ending love that had apparently grown between them. How, he loved her and loved it if they would be able to lay with one another with her head laid upon his chest. I do that. That she'd cry towards him and he'd hold her in his arms, caressing her cheek, then pulling her in for a kiss. We did that. That she made his stomach tie itself in knots. I did that. The first we were together, we'd went swimming and he'd held me in his arms multiple times, and looked into each other's eyes...I felt like I could drift into a world of love with him...They did that. Why do I feel like a comparison? I feel like Alexis and I are a little much a like and that it's like he never really lost her, he just gained another. We've actually shared a lot of the same conversations with Jordan and it's become much a hurtful statement to feel like I'm not doing anything different than any other girl he'd been with..They'd been talking since May. Not in a relationship sense, but just talking. It's like I had stolen him away from someone that he was talking too, someone he'd actually began to form feelings for.

I'm not meaning to think this, but it's like lately...my hormones are getting really bad. Jordan's told me multiple times that he doesn't deserve me, well it's the other way around and I know it. I don't deserve him, because of the stuff I put him through everyday. I'm not surprised that my past relationships haven't lasted...because this is truly unbelievable. I don't know how Jordan can put up with me everyday and still love me as much as he does.

A feeling that I've had today, is I just feel as if I stole Jordan away from someone when I wouldn't have wanted that for myself. I mean, I'm just like a repeat of what Jordan was already going to have...there was no change.

Moving on Up

As of yesterday...

I was 9weeks:) 

Forever..Lost?

I'm so lost. I'm on a path that I have no idea how this is going to end. I'm so over how things are just beginning to get worse and never getting any better. I miss the laughter, I miss the jokes. Now, it's a feeling like we're just stuck with one another. Where is the love supposed to be? Where did the romance go? How come everything is changing so much...I feel as if I'm going wind up losing my mind and I'm not going to know where I'm going to wind up! Am I falling into an neverending black hole? am I doomed to be forever lost.

We're Expecting!

So, About a week ago we received some exciting but surprising news. We're expecting. Yes, shortly after we got engaged, we find out we're expecting a baby. I didn't expect this to happen so soon, but I guess it's just a sign. We're really happy to become parent's. This is a really shocking time for us, but there isn't really much we can say about it. We're almost speechless. We don't care rather it's a boy or girl. Jordan and I joke everyday on what we want, he wants a boy, I want a girl. But as long as our child is a healthy baby, then we're perfectly fine with what we receive.
I couldn't be any happier, yes it is soon for us, especially for this to be happening now...but we're ready. A child can mean so many things and for us, it's just another form of our love. A child is a blessing and it definitely is in my eyes. I cannot wait to be a mommy, it's still so hard to believe. I'm ready one-hundred percent.

Up and Down

So you can probably tell that I've began to write a lot in a short period of time. Why? Well, that's easy to answer. I have so much on my mind that I find it almost impossible to be able to speak of one thing. I'm sitting at the kitchen table at 1:10 A.M. and I'm listening to some of the saddest songs that I could have ever possibly put on my iTunes.

Have you ever made your boyfriend or girlfriend so aggravated that you felt like you must punish yourself...as if them being aggravated because of YOU wasn't enough. Sitting here and I'm facing Jordan. He's got the one face of his where I know he's pissed off, sometimes so bad that he watches T.V. where it doesn't effect him as much. Here I go again, I'm making myself cry. My emotions have gotten so bad over the past few years that I can automatically cry on a dime. I don't mean too, I just am always scared that the next fight is going to cause him to go over the deep end...If not then, it will be the next.

He must really love because my emotions are like a roller coaster. I'm perfectly fine one minute, then next thing I'm either crying or being pissed off at the world. We argue, then it's over and we make up. I'm always just so scared...after I've fought with him, I'm always worried and always think the same thing over again. "What have I just done?" then that's when I feel like I must punish myself for what I've done. I get fed up with myself and what I cause that I'm always worried that there is going to be a deep end of the pool and there will be no coming back. 

Scared to Lose the One True Thing I Love

Okay, so I'm scared. Is it such a crime to be so scared to lose someone you love? Not in the sense of losing them exactly, but the aching feeling you may get within your chest, that just wants to tell you that you won't be able to make that one particular person happy for so long?

It's Us. Engaged & In Love..

It's Us...Engaged & In Love...

I'm in love with this dork.
I do not know how such a human being could love someone like me.

Trust?

I hate it when my trust-issues get in the way. I don't know what to do or what is going to happen. It scares me because I have been hurt, thrown away, and forgotten so many times that's it's became a part of who I am now. I love Jordan will all of my heart, but I hate it when I feel as if something is not right...am I thinking of it all on purpose? No. I just, I've just been hurt so many times before that it scares to be fully happy.

Everything can be perfectly fine with us, but one little thing is like a dagger in my heart and it feels like it's killing me inside. I don't want to have these trust-issues against Jordan. He doesn't deserve these feelings I have. I hate it when trust gets in the way, but it has too doesn't it? I just don't understand...I've had so many things happen before and it's worked so many times that I find it hard to trust, but I'm engaged to Jordan! I should NOT be feeling any discomfort with him or feeling I should have trust issues against him.

I don't....I don't believe I do. It's just those moments that I'll get where I feel like I'm drifting and there is no one there to catch me. I mean, who would? I'm a fat whale. There I go again, getting off track! See, I have a tendency to do this too....try to avoid the situation.

I've caught myself crying twice today...Jordan on the other hand had caught me once and it killed to me to look at him while writing my paper, to tell him that I was scared that I wouldn't be able to make him happy. What am I supposed to say? It scares me in moments more than one. Yes, I know when I look down on my left ring finger, I'm wearing his ring...but what if I'm just so worried that all this could just be a dream? What if when I pick fight...I'm trying to make sure it's still real and I'm not dreaming? I know, it's ridiculous. Maybe I'm nuts...I don't know. Maybe I'm just worried.

I'm doing the best I can. 

But, what if that isn't enough. I'm so worried that one day Jordan is going to wake up and not be happy with me. Maybe, he won't be able to stand me anymore. Am I doing the best I can or am I scared to truly open up to my true abilities. I trust him. With all of my heart and soul, I trust him. He's the love of my life. The never-ending love that I'd always write about...and now, my poems and my short stories have finally came true. Why is it so hard for me to try my best though? Maybe I'm just scared of losing him. Yeah, when I sit and try to think fully about it, I think that's my biggest fear.

I know he could do so much better than me.. I feel as if he's just stuck with me. I know he tells me on a daily basis that I am the woman he loves and I make him the happiest that he's ever been, but do I really deserve him? He's deserves someone so much better than me, is he settling?
I am just a fat-teenage girl coming out of her teens. An eighteen year old female with no look in the future of what she's going to do with her life...fighting for a living. A woman that is wanting something so desperately and not getting a chance to witness it. I'm so scared of living.

I can only take everyday each step at a time...I can just hope that I can always make my fiance' happy. I don't want to lose him. The one man that's meant so much so me, someone who walked into my life and became the most important to me. My life is truly great right now, I just wish that my trust issues would get out of the damn way and let me trust the way I know I can. I do trust him, I'm just a shattered vase getting put back together...he's found the pieces, he's just gluing me back to the structure. I don't know what I'd do without him, he's the best thing that could have ever walked into my life...I just hope this all just isn't a dream.

What's Wrong?

Last night Jordan and I were sitting at the kitchen table watching Hatfields & McCoys. I was fine at first, but then all of a sudden I have gotten dizzy and lightheaded. I relaxed a little bit in the chair, before I had decided to go to bed. Once the movie went off, Jordan and I was getting ready for bed when I began to get sharp pains in the stomach and what felt like a lot of pressure on my hips.

I was sitting on the bed when it began to feel like cramps. These weren't any ordinary cramps, but felt like someone was taking my insides and trying to rip them out from beneath me. Jordan helped me into bed when I tried to lie on my back, but the pain increased. I knew that I hadn't taken my daily medication so I had to take those.

Once I had tried to swallow them I came to find out that my gag-reflex was acting up. Every time I had tried to swallow a pill, I spit it back up and I would feel really lightheaded afterwards. I had spit up all over myself and the bed when Jordan helped me to the bathroom. I could barely walk from feeling dizzy and then, we'd decided that we needed to go to Wal*Mart. We needed to buy a test and make sure that I was alright. It came back negative. Devastated. I finally was able to fall asleep around 12:30am when I lied on my stomach, for someone putting a little pressure helped release a little pain.

I woke up this morning with the same pain, not once has it relived itself and it's caused me to feel sick all day. Everything I eat, about five minutes later I'd feel like I was going to throw up. What is wrong with me? I don't understand....all I know is...this pain is excruciating. 

I Hate Fighting…

We had a fight the other night. Yet again, this wasn’t a fight that either one of us had started. Jordan’s ex, which I would rather leave unnamed. She caused us to fight. Now, she had said many times over that she couldn’t have started our fight, well she did. I have access to his Facebook as he does mine and I read his messages. Well, she had a tendency to write him and trying to hide messages within a message. Get my drift? Well, I will tell you this…I do not care that they’re friends. It’s a good thing that he can stay friends with his ex-girlfriends. I just sincerely hate it, hate it with a passion that she doesn’t seem to understand when to stop or understand that he is my man, now! He isn’t going anywhere in any point of time.

I am the woman wearing his ring, and he isn’t going anywhere. Like I’ve said though, it does not bother me that he’s friends with her. It just really gets beneath my skin that she just NOT know how to stop….a relationship consists of two people, not three! Jordan has made it clear that I am the woman he’s chosen and it’s just something she really needs to get over. I really don’t appreciate it that she’s even sent him messages saying of how apparently I have stolen him away from her, well newsflash. I guess so, but you see who he is staying with now?

Now, I am not a negative person. But I am a pessimist (someone who thinks negative first, before positive) and I do believe that I love Jordan with all of my heart and I sometimes don’t believe he really understands that she is just a crack in the road. She’s caused two fights between us so far, and it makes me wonder how many more she is going to try to damage.

The funniest thing is, when Jordan and she began to argue over who he was going to choose…she’d begin to insult me. Okay, well her argument was with Jordan first off and then she drags me into it. If I did steal Jordan away from her, I am NOT sorry about it. He’s mine and he’s just one man that I’m not going to let walk out of my life. He’s the best thing that could ever possibly have walked into it and he’s the one man that I expect to give me his last name.

It’s excruciating to deal with such stupidity. Once you’ve realized that someone is in a relationship, that is not an open/closed sign to walk in and try to change things. Those two human beings are together for a reason and there is always a reason why you’re past relationships don’t work out. I know I’m ranting on now…but if only you knew how much she bugs me. That one little fact that it’s twice that she’s caused a dangerous path in my eyes. If she thinks I’m so bad about apparently stealing her man, then she needs to back off and begin to realize real quick that is will NOT be much longer before I make myself known.

Jordan has handled it long enough and I’m about to step it. No, I’m not going to be negative about it, but I will make my name known to her and make her believe that Jordan will NOT be hers anymore in any time or universe. She makes me blood boil and if only Jordan really understood how bad it hurts me to have to deal with it almost on a daily basis…I don’t believe he would actually really understand himself.

It hurts me to the extent to where I sometimes feel as if I can’t breathe that the mere mentioning of her name is a destruction to me. Her name, her face, even her little messages make me want to scream and I do believe that it’s going to wind up making me go crazy because it isn’t going to be much longer before I begin to give up on it….Not give up on Jordan or us, but give up on her…I will just begin to fade away and it will wind up where I will not have a single feeling towards anything. I’m going to be numb, trying to defy one simple thing will cause me to totally forget how to feel.

What if you're stuck?

It's funny how you can look at a certain object and it can make you have so many thoughts and it can turn your mood from one thing to someone else. How can something so simple cause such an impact on one other person. So little and yet so defying by the utter feeling of disaster.

Do you ever sit and wonder what it's like to be calm one moment, then turn around and be screaming your head off? Well...it becomes a hassle to deal with and it's a drug. No matter how much you don't want to fight or be caused by one disruptive feeling, you create a hurtful and most destructive situation that most generally...you won't be able to get yourself out of.

Find it?

It's been a few days since I last wrote and it seems like it sometimes getting hard to breathe. My walls are caving in on me and it's not what I thought. I feel as if there is one more thing in my life that's missing. What is it? When will I be able to find it? Will I?...Will I ever find it?

ENGAGED

November 10, 2012 was the best day that could have ever walked right into my life. It started off as any usual day. My boyfriend and I had woke up yesterday morning and decided to go to Florence for the day. First, we'd went to mall and I did not see it coming at all...We walked into Build-A-Bear and he'd bought me a seasonal bear. It couldn't have been any cuter than how he'd just smiled at me. As the day when on, I wasn't sure of what else could make the day better. Just being with him, made me day even better.
Later that night when we were on our way back home, we'd stopped into a small town outside of ours and we'd parked next to the river. It was cute of what he'd done. We walked down towards the bank and he'd knelled down. He'd said, laughing "I need to tie my shoe". I just smiled and look revealed on what he was about to do. Then he'd reached into his back pocket and asked me to marry him. I began to feel tears build up and I'd say YES. I am now engaged to the man that I love and I couldn't be any happier.

Neverending Growing...Love

It's something that I'm still getting used too. I'm not used to having someone there and having to worry about losing them, I'm not used to waking up in the mornings and having someone there for me. I'm just now understanding what the true meaning of love is, and it's a feeling that will forever be. To finally be happy with who I am and having someone on my right arm to hold me within his grasp and to have such a feeling of embrace within my chest. I've found one man so pure to fit his fingers between mine, that I've certainly happier than I've ever been. Only when the time comes, we've already got it all made. I wouldn't know what else to do or say, but I know this is a love that grows more everyday. It's a never-ending love, to grow.

You would think that maybe finding the love of your life at eighteen would be a good thing! Well, apparently not all things are the greatest thing to everyone. I'm eighteen years old and I have managed to find the one man for me. Why am I so scared? I shouldn't have such a fear that things will soon change. I have found myself falling deeper and harder everyday for the man that I never expected to have a relationship with at all. How could something so easy and begin as just messing around, ever possibly turn into this? I love Jordan and I never thought at the beginning that I would ever be saying those words.
How can you possibly think to ever get into a relationship with someone and not expect it to get serious? I know that Jordan and I are getting serious and I hope it'll progress into more than what it is now, but how can we when apparently it's thought of as a bad thing? My mother and father really like Jordan and it's always a good thing when the parents of the girl like the boyfriend for who he is, while he doesn't have to put on a show to get on the dad's good side. 

Cramping for 6Days

For the past six (6) days my lower abdomen area has been cramping so bad that it has caused me to feel like I'm going to throw up, but it just doesn't happen. It hurts every night around 2 A.M and it just brings an excruciating pain within my stomach that makes it feel like I cannot handle one more step. Went to the doctor's office this afternoon to see if there were anything else that could be wrong, but seems to be just a blockage within my bladder. Not what I wanted to hear...I wanted to hear some good or precious news, but it just doesn't seem like it is going to happen. 

Only One More Thing

I hate when people act like they can control you. I hate it when they think you can't amount to anything. I hate how when you're trying desperately for one thing to happen and it doesn't. Why does all of this have to be so hard to accomplish? I don't get it and I don't know how anyone else does either. I am eighteen years old and it has become a blessing to have what I do right now. I'm really desperately wanting one more thing right now and I'm just not getting it. I am an adult now and I have doing fairly well in college. I'm doing well enough for me to want only one more thing and I'm trying to hard to make sure I can get it. Can I get it though and will the wait be worth it? 

Long Over-due Relationship Report on You

I would have never thought that this is where I'd be today. August had brought a new perspective into my life and it's given me another view upon everything. I'd been used and mistreated in my past, then finally able to find a man for who I could and most definitely now can call my own. I've been up and down so many roads and trying to understand why....I've fallen for him.
For something that began slightly on August 27th. Something to begin and go from being something that I never knew I wanted, from thinking I didn't want it at all...I've gained such a thing that I'd never trade for the world. This has became a true thing. A true and definite thing that I'm the happiest I could ever be to be able to look at someone and finally have found the one thing that could make me complete. I didn't ask for this and nor would I ever trade it for the world. Let me begin? Let me begin where this all could have ever changed...
August 27th, the day that I was just going to get with Jordan for one simple fact. I just wanted to have a Friend with Benefits. No strings attached. I had walked into the college and just stood in the hallway for a few minutes then when Jordan had saw me, he walked out and just stood in front of me. I had stood still for a few minutes and he'd expected a hug from me...I'd hesitate for a minute until finally I had asked him if he had a ride home. This is when things began. After class was over, Jordan and I had drove to the look-out point in town and just talked for a few hours. Things began to progress and I had just expected us to be like I said, friends with benefits. As it began to get later, I just hesitated and I didn't want us to be friends with benefits. I would look off into a day dream and I just didn't want him to be yet another man to add to my list. I stopped in my tracks and just gave up. He'd given me a million reasons not to fall for him, but I didn't want to give up so easily. I sat there waiting to find the right words to say next, but when I just didn't find a single word...I'd just given up on words. Jordan then had led to another point and I'd told him that I was always the person to make the first move...I wasn't about to do that same. He'd tried to pull me over, but obviously my arms are longer so that had ended up to be a fail. Once the fact had been forgotten, we'd kissed. His kiss was something different than any other.
Later that night, I'd driven him home and we'd sat upon the hood of my jeep at least until 11:30pm. We just lied there underneath the stars and it had felt like it we'd always done it. Always lying upon his chest and just saying whatever came to mind. It felt so right for us just to be there.

At this point....I hope you're reading this, yes you Jordan. 

September 7th, yes I still remember. September 7th was the date the you came to school and had told me that you had plans to ask me out. Do you remember how when you'd looked at me and I can see how your eyes would just feel up with pain. I knew I wanted to be with you and the same for you, but it had held us back to be able to call you mine. For us to be able to lie upon my couch and just having you in my arms...not being able to call you mine officially. You had looked at me and had told me that you wanted to be with me. I wanted to be with you just as badly and it had hurt not being to able to say that I was yours.

October 3, 2012..Yes. The date that forever (hopefully) changed my status. My relationship status had changed from forever lonely (single) to in a relationship. My heart began to melt, it just faded within your grasp with each time I looked upon your smile. I fell for you even more than I had already done before. I had already fallen for you and for you be officially mine on this day...created such a feeling. I said "yes" when you asked me out to make it official. You're mine...officially. You're mine and I couldn't have asked for anything more, but you be mine and for me to be with you and only you.

Falling..

Falling in love is never an easy task, but when it happens it is just something you can't change or take back. Love is most certainly something that we all want to witness and treasure. The only difference is, I've found the love I have been looking for. No where in the world did I expect such things to happen to me and actually be good. With everything that I had encountered and went through, I have finally been able to be happy and enjoy my love and life within a spectacular dream. 

It's Us

Only a Short Period of Time

This time last year, I never thought that I would be where I am today. I'm sitting here and I'm happy with where I am and who I'm with, but some days I'll go through the same path and same day all over again. I wonder...how could I possibly be and get this lucky? I was on the verge of giving up on everything possible in any romantic life, I'd been stuck on romance novels and romantic movies, just hoping that I'd be able to find someone for me.

August 13th was a day that could have ever possibly changed my life for good. I met the man that I am with today. It took us almost a month and a half to finally become committed to each other, but we did and he's the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

Can We Make It?

Can We Make It?

By: 

Patricia Walker

When I stand still I can still feel

your body

the way you just held me

the way you picked me

up

when we laid beneath

the stars

just hearing your

voice

when you put your arms

around me

we talked for hours

remember?

you looked me in the eyes

and kissed me softly

ooohh, your kiss

your sweet lips pressed

upon mine

i told you i needed to

put my wall back up

you looked in my eyes

with your hands grasped

upon my face

"we both know that wall is no longer there

and even if it is, i'll break right through it."

i told you...

i couldn't have hope

and you'd began to tell me

you'd hadn't been that

happy in a long time

i remember...you placed

your hand upon my heart

and felt it

burst.

the kiss that followed

i began to melt

do you remember?

the moment i began to cry?

you wiped them away

you told me to stop

and

i did instantly

i don't want this day 

to be a

dream

i want it to be 

our reality.

Don't Dwell..

Someone asked me, "If you could change your past...what would it be?" I looked down at the floor and just felt a tear roll off of my cheek onto the floor. I didn't know what to say or what to do next. I'm ashamed of my past and how I handled it. There were a lot of things that I could have said, but I plainly looked back up and just looked a the person and said, "If I could change my past? I wouldn't change a thing...no matter how painful my past is and how it's made me today...that's the point though, I am who I am today because of my past and the mistakes I made. Do I wish I could go back and maybe change a few things, yes. But it doesn't change who I am because I completely and perfectly fine with who I have became.
I can't go back now on anything and I wouldn't, I regret almost half of my past, but it's made me the strong person that I am now and It's something that I sometimes wish, but now I'm where I am today because of my past. 

Falling

I think I am beginning to fall into a deeper trance with Jordan. I feel like I'm beginning to form this feeling in my chest and it's like an explosion. It's not the bad type that most people will feel from time to time, but the one where you feel like you're lifted off of the ground and it's just you two. I am falling for Jordan and I'm not going to deny it. We've been seeing each other for quite a bit, but we're not together per-say. We're together, but we don't have the label for a relationship, yet.
Now, I'm not going to sit here and say "Oh, I'm in love with him and he's all I want." because simply of the fact that I've caught myself saying it, but not feeling it. I'm not going to say it unless I feel it, but I'm definitely feeling something.
I had quite the epiphany the other night. I am growing over the fact that I'm completely and utterly over Jacob. When I'm with Jordan, Jacob never existed to me and it's a feeling that I'm happy to say Jordan can take away. It means a lot to me that I can be with him and it takes away all of the pain that I ever felt with or for Jacob.

?Whoa.

1. Derek
2. Dylan
3. David
4. Codie
5. Zack
6. Austin 
7. Jack
8. Kalab
9. Dalton
10. Jacob
11. Wesley
12. Cody
13. Aaron
14. Jordan

Eternal

Eternal by: 

Patricia Walker

I have this invisible wall put up
it helps keep out heartache
help keep out tragedy
i don't want to be the girl to
fall apart but,
the girl that is happy to be
yours
i can't take one more step
towards you
i can't take a risk
unless
its gonna be real
i don't want to be one of
your girls
i don't want to have a scar
on my chest
i want the eternal feeling

It's An On-Ward Effect

Sometimes I find it hard to keep up with my blog. It isn't like I have a million followers and people are always commenting what is right and what is wrong. I just find it hard some nights to come home from my classes or spending the day with Jordan, I just think sometimes maybe it isn't worth talking about. If I were write every single day, then it'd be quite boring to read anything on here. I'm not saying my blog isn't boring, because most of the time I believe it to be so.

See, I bet reading this you're thinking...this is worthless, she's just going on and on and on about nothing. Well, see it's simple to get off track and just write about anything. Sometimes....you'll just lay in one stop and simply begin to think, what could be better? 

It's Revival.

If I said my days are numbered...what would you think? If I said that I was only going to have so many more words to say...what would you do then? The answer is simple, what if you couldn't do a thing about anything that I've had to say or do. It's simply because I have thought many times over that this is just a short term life of someone's other point of earth.
I don't believe and if you have to sit back and think about it, then obviously you don't know what I'm talking about. I don't believe because I don't think that one person and one person alone has such much upon their head that every corner they turn, it must be some type of torture. One person doesn't deserve the torture and pain that I've went through for the past two years. I have been on this planet for eighteen and half years now. In April '13, I'll be nineteen and I have already been through the fiery gates of Hell twice. Once in 2010 and once in 2011, no one deserves this pain. It's two-thousand and twelve now and I haven't had to deal with any type of pain this year yet except of what happened between Jacob and I. That doesn't really count though because I didn't feel the agonizing pain that I'd felt with Adam and what I felt last year.

I'm reviving. I'm a re-cooperating into a new form and I am not going to back down now. I am becoming a new and improved self that I am not going to let my past be the effect of my future. It's going to be tough, because I can't forget Adam or last year, but it's simply a feeling that I'm forming within that I must move and try to find the new bright and improved path to follow. 

High School Lust to Simply Growing Up

Not trying to start a quarrel with myself, but after reviewing my blog and the past history of my writing on here...I have noticed that I've been kind of a whore. Yes, I said it...a Whore. Not the type that goes on with her life and just has sex with anybody, but the mere thought of saying "Oh, I'm in love with this guy...It's not lust it's love and I just know it is." It's just a thought of me saying that it's a whore-factor. I guess you could that I've been kind of a wreck over the past couple of years.
It's ridiculous of how I fell for apparently this man and then two weeks later, Oh I'm talking to this one. It's merely a thought of coming to mind and saying "Wow." I cannot believe of how, how one moment I could be happy with life, then turn around and it turns out that it was just high school lust. We all go through it and you can't deny it. We've all went through that phase of feeling like we're in love, but simply just being in love with the fact of being in love. Never really felt it, just a thought and term we'd use to cover up the teenage hormones to feeling one simple pleasure. 

Erased from the Memory

Past? Well, PAST is now ERASED from my mind. 
Kept Upon my Blog for slight memory or short story...but Mind? It's Gone! 

It's a History worth Forgetting

I have failed to notice how pathetic my blog can be. I've been on writing this blog for almost three years and most of it simply has just been nothing but me complaining about how this one guy was treating me or how I was afraid of moving on with my life. Well world, it's true. I have my break down moments and my moments where I just need to vent--but sometimes my venting is really pathetic and very childish. I can't seem to realize or finally just read over what I've written and how hung up on my ex(es) I was. Can I honestly get an "Eww?" Well, I'll just do it for myself, Eww..I cannot believe of how I was hung up on my ex Dylan when after I've entered college and moved on, I have seemed to finally grow up and make sure that if I have made any mistakes in my past, which I have...I'll just erase it as if it never existed in my love--history. Let's simply say that it's a history worth forgetting and not repeating. I've started a new history for myself and I feel like I'm happy with the baby steps I'm taking, but it's going to take some time to re-cooperate. 

I Can't Even....Even Begin

I don't have much to say, I don't even think that if I could think of something...I wouldn't be able explain. He told me he loves me. .What am I supposed to do? I'm just too worried and too scared, it's a feeling that I just know I have, but it's an emotional time for me to be able to explain. 

It's Getting Stronger.

It's happening...It's happening and I cannot deny it.
I'm falling for Jordan and I don't want to turn away now. I have been hurt and thrown away (literally) too many times to count that I just feel as if this is my [new] beginning that I have been waiting for in my life. I know I have talked, and talked, and talked...about multiple guys in my life throughout this selfish blog of mine, but I am beginning to feel something that I'm not sure I've felt before. It's a new feeling, it's a strong and empathetic feeling that overwhelms how I ever felt about Jacob.
I told my mother that when I'm with Jordan, it's as if Jacob never existed, once...once in my life. It has to mean something, I mean C'mon! You can't spend eleven months of your life with one man and one man only, then be so committed to him, and when someone else comes into your life it's like...'Who are you talking about? I don't know that person.'
It's a strong and powerful feeling that I get when I'm with Jordan. Just by sitting beside him and talking to him, my heart begins to pound so fast and hard that sometimes I forget what I'm doing. Being with him, it's a controllable feeling that is no longer Lust. When the day comes that I spend with Jordan, it's like the world doesn't exist around us.

I have noticed...When I'm with Jordan and the song "Stay" by Black Stone Cherry comes on, if I'm singing when I'm with him, he can see the pain in my eyes. The power of how much the words upon that song can effect me in one slight moment or verse. If I'm singing the lyrics, my eyes get pale and my lips move upon the motion...he'll lean in and grab my chin, then kiss me. I forget. I forget how I feel or even felt about Jacob. 

I've thought about it again..

I've tried to think of a million different ways that I could just close my blog and open a new one. I can't do that though, there are so many memories upon this one that I don't believe needed to be forgotten. I know there are many times that I'll begin writing and I'll just mumble, but that's what makes my blog so fascinating. Not being conceited, but it's true.
I know there have been many times that I'd just complain and write some of the worst things possible to write about, but it's just a part of my life that I like being able to go back and read about what I've done so terrible in the past. I don't know who reads this crap, nor do I even think even one person reads it. It's just a way for me to vent. A place where I can talk about anything in my life and some times I actually think that it's just a hidden passage. 

I'm the girl..

I'm the girl that you will forever hate. 

I'm the girl that everyone will hate because of her attitude and not even an apology would change that. 

I'm the girl that you will talk about behind her back.

I'm the girl that tries to hard on a relationship that will obviously never work. 

I'm the girl that is called fat on a daily basis. 

I'm the girl that puts makeup on to cover her scars.

I'm the girl that has been to Hell more than once in her lifetime. 

I'm the girl that cries when she feels like something is definitely not going to end well. 

I'm the girl that will give up. 

I'm the girl that by the end of the movie, she's the one lying in a ditch and no one cares. 

I'm the girl that while you're reading this, you're remembering that she's a nobody. 

I'm the girl that tries too hard to get the guy, but always fails. 

I'm the girl that no one feels sorry for. 

I'm the girl..

I'm just the girl. 

No one special. 

Confessions...

Confession #1:

I am scared to fall in love, again. 

Confession #2:

I am scared of sex. I'm afraid, I'm gonna get with a man that only wants one thing, then once he gets it..he'll leave. 

Confession #3:

I don't wanna go through the same thing I did two years ago. 

Confession #4:

I'm afraid to be happy because everyday that I'm happy, something terrible always comes after. 

Confession #5:

I fall for guys so quickly, but find it hard to love

Confession #6:

I'm afraid of not making someone happy

Confession #7:

I hate it when a man calls me "baby" when we're not together, because it makes me quiver with pain that, that's all we're ever gonna be. 

Confession #8:

The word "Love" has no meaning to me, until I've felt it through my heart and seen the real thing through my eyes. 

Confession #9:

I'm done making mistakes and regretting my past love life. I want to move on and be happy like I once was. 

Confession #10: 

When I am talking about my feelings, they always stay built up until I can't handle the pain any longer, then it just comes out like a book. 

Where am I supposed to Go Now?

Today? What can I really say about today? Well, it was maybe one of the best days and yet one of the worst days in my life. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine that I have been kind of involved with here recently. Our conversation started off slowly, then I progressed into telling him that I was worrying about him going on a date. He'd told me not to worry and then when I read his final words "I don't think happiness is what I'm looking for, only fun (not sex), just fun".
I began to break down. I walked out of class and began to walk to the library when he had walked out behind me. I go half way across the street and he'd told me to come back over...I didn't want too, but yet something pushed me to go back. He'd ask me what was wrong and then I just shot out telling him that I wanted to make him happy and he's scared. I'm scared, because I don't think I can love again after everything I've been through. I'm worried for the both of us. I'd began to just try to make him understand that I'm not going anywhere unless he told me to walk away...
His kiss, his touch and just him being around me is a quiver in my stomach. It's not bad, it's just a feeling I get that feels like butterflies. My heart pounds within me and sometimes I feel like I'm not breathing on air. It's like I am breathing off of our energy. Every time, I began to cry he'd tell me to stop and I would on an impact. I don't cry because he's hurting me, but because I'm scared that I'm falling for this guy and it's not going to be me in the end.
He told me, he is scared that he could possibly love me, even fall in love with me. Is it just me or does his similarity sound like mine as well? Our paths are so similar and I wanna make him happy. He's got this barrier up and doesn't want happiness because he's scared of losing it again. I don't want him to feel like he's gonna lose me. I'm not going anywhere and I've told him that. I have trust issues and he's got a fear of happiness...Can we in any way break out barriers and make ourselves believe? 

I'm scared for...Us

I am just so scared what to think anymore. I don't want to work so hard, then get rejected on what I had so much hope for. Each moment we spend together is like heaven beneath my fingers. I love how you push the hair behind my ears when it falls in my face. I love your smile and the way you tell me you're just so scared. I'm not here to make you feel lost, and I believe that you're worried, so am I. Please, don't give me any reason to not want to be with you...you're past and your past. My past is my past...and I tell you, we come with baggage. We have baggage and it needs to be worked on...I don't know what to do or say, except...I'm scared...for us. 

Untitled

I want more nights like
that one
do you?
i want to be caressed between
your fingers
do you?
i want to be wrapped
in your arms, again.
do you?
wanna lay beneath the
stars
do you?
your eyes, staring
into mine
do you want this
too?
i hope you do

Just For Me

I looked at the wall and you
were the voice I wanted to see
I laid beneath the stars 
and you're who i thought of
i covered myself with the blanket, 
wishing it was your arms grasped around me
If I were to tell you any of this...
Would you even care?
It may be lust right now
But, I can feel there is something
here
You know it, 
You've told me the same
And those words
made my heart cry out
for you

Eternal

I have this invisible wall put up
it helps keep out heartache
help keep out tragedy
i don't want to be the girl to
fall apart but,
the girl that is happy to be
yours
i can't take one more step
towards you
i can't take a risk
unless
its gonna be real
i don't want to be one of
your girls
i don't want to have a scar
on my chest
i want the eternal feeling

Could it Progress?

So, college is certainly turning out really well. As of right now, I hold a 4.0 GPA and I'm certainly and most definitely loving it. I've even actually met an interesting guy. Going back about two weeks ago when I first met him...It was our welcome week at the college and we were having an Ice Cream social. I walked upstairs and I saw Sandie and Mrs. Duncan handing out Ice Cream to students. Well, I stood next to the lounge and Sandie asked if I wanted some Ice Cream...I looked over at her and said "I'm debating" and Jordan looked at me and asked "What is there to debate" and he began to smile...well, I don't like Ice Cream very much and it was a debate to me. "I don't eat Ice Cream very much, so I just don't know if I want any" and from the point on I could feel that Jordan was looking at me quite a few times..I'd talk to Sandie for a few then look over and join the conversations, I could feel Jordan looking at me and I'd glance over at him.
The next day, I found out that he was in my Math class...I just knew this would be fun. The first couple of days, I didn't nice or fancy. I just wore blue jeans and didn't care...but, we'd just chat as friends and I didn't notice anything else.

Last Tuesday, I was getting ready and put on my new outfit. It took me about 45mins to do my makeup and get ready. Well, I arrived to my class about five minutes last and I remember when I walked in. I could feel the eyes upon my body just looking and when I sat down, Jordan looked over at me and said "Wow." and I just smiled. He told me I looked really pretty and I felt really nice when I heard him tell me that. As the class went on, we would talk about different things and then he'd asked me why I felt like I needed to dress up. I just plainly told him that I wanted to feel nice about myself and that I bought new clothes to try. "you don't have to put makeup and dress up to like pretty" he told me. I was like WOW in my mind. .

Wednesday, I wore a nice pink dress...and I didn't see Jordan at all until my classes had let out. Well, I sat in the front lobby and was making sure I had everything I needed for my homework. Jordan and his friend had walked out of the doors next to me and then he just stood right in front of me. I looked up at him and just smiled and I was like "What?" smiling..and I got up because it was a little weird for me. Afterwards, I began to walk up the street to go over to the library. Jordan got a ride from him friend and then when she pulled out, he whistled at me. I just blushed...I knew I did, but I didn't want to tell him that.

Thursday, Jordan and I talked for a little while in class and different things writing notes and such, and then I had him tell me a few things that I may have not known. He told me that I was (Pretty, Cute, Attractive, and Adorable). I smile when I think of him telling me that...I'd never had a man tell me such things and mean it. 

BACK PAIN..feels like Death!

August 9, 2012...I didn't have internet to write this, so I had written it down on a piece of notebook paper to repeat here. So, it's August 9th, 2012 @ 3:42 AM. I can't sleep and I haven't even gotten a wink of relaxation in the past three hours. I've laid in bed trying to sleep, but when I lay flat on my back it feels like a torpedo is coming through my chest. I've tried to sleep with a pillow between my legs, pain meds, even Icy-Hot and a hot pack...but NOTHING works! What am I going to do? What can I do?
It's gotten to a certain point where just by sitting up-right, I feel like I'm going to get sick. Laying down make a rough pinching feeling. It's been five nights, five nights of me not being able to sleep through a complete night without pain. It's gotten to a boiling point of me beginning to cry, but nothing can help it.

College is just around the corner.

Only fourteen days before my dad leaves for EKU. I can't believe how fast this summer has flown by and how quickly college is approaching. My mom is attending Lindsey Wilson in Louisville, and my dad is going to EKU in Richmond. I'm attending Jefferson here in Carrollton...We're all going our own ways, but my mom will be home every weekend. It just doesn't seem like it should already by time for school to start back, but it is..and it's approaching so vastly that I can't seem to comprehend it.
August 13th, I begin my fall semester and I'm looking forward to it all except the math..Blah! 

Wonderful Life...New Beginning

I couldn't be any happier than I am right now. On July 29, 2012 I got asked out by probably one of the most  beautiful men that I've known for the past four and half years. I had never thought about us as the relationship type at first, but as the years progressed we began to talk to each other about how we thought each other was interesting and how I began to fall for him. I didn't mean too, but yet I still haven't came out and said I love him. I want him to know that I do love him, but where I have been hurt so many times and for those who read my blog...you know I've went through hell and back. I just don't want to throw those three words out there. I do feel like he is who I want to be with for the rest of my life and this isn't some little mushy crush, because we've known each other since my Freshman year in High School (August 2008). Now, we're together and it just feels so right. I don't want to think of it as the world to me, but four and half years definitely means something..

Pumped for my 1st and Fall Semester

It's finally reached August and I begin my fall semester in two weeks. I cannot wait to begin going back to school, which will be a lot different this time considering, I'm not going to be in high school anymore. I'm pumped for it and cannot wait to start. It's actually a bit weird and cannot wait to get started on my fall/first semester. Only 16 weeks per semester:) 

Exactly One--To the Date

Today marked exactly one year. July 24th, 2012. I have honestly handled it better than I thought I would. I mean afterall, I've had to keep saying to myself that everything happens for a reason. Everything has it's own price and I do believe I'm beginning to win this battle of neverending pain. 

Prophecy Creations by Patricia Walker [ME]

www.facebook.com/ProphecyCreationsbyPatriciaWalker

One Year & Counting the Pain

Today was a really good day....Until I seen something that obviously shouldn't be bothering me, but next week on July 24th, it'll mark exactly one year. One year that has flown by so quickly and yet has practically ripped out my heart. It should NOT bother me anymore...but it does every once in a while. Knowing that David is with this girl and they've been dating for about eight months now, on and off of course. But, it certainly peeves me off so badly knowing that, since the first day they began dating...she has pretended to be pregnant. I cannot stand someone nonetheless be pregnant and all joyful, but yet then I have to deal with yet another girl that exactly like one I've dealt with before.
People that pretend be pregnant and then months ago by and nothing's changed about them, then they come and just up and say that they had a miscarriage. You don't toy with people and pretend to be something you're not! You don't lie about something like that, but yet she did...and she does.
Now, where was I? Oh yeah, David! The plain fact of it was that it was just a five minute deal and then things begin spend when he found out about me. He didn't want anything to do with afterwards. We weren't even friends anymore. It hurt me everyday of my Senior year to see him and have to hear about him. I'd literally break down crying when I would hear his name. I guess you could say the whole point of this post is...because him and his girlfriend are engaged now. I don't can't stand her or him, but the fact of it is...neither of them should be happy. Knowing what he put me through last year and then her constantly lying about being pregnant and God only knows what else she's lied about to people. She even used my friend our Junior Year, she had told my friend that she was pregnant by him too or she'd been pregnant by my friend Codie. Anyways, I went to his profile and just seeing how happy he is, he shouldn't be happy with who he is...not with the way he treated me. Not after what happened.
SIX WORDS for her..."The Bitch Needs a Chasity Belt"

The Story behind...Jack, Kalab and Jacob.

Let me tell you a story that long-------over due. 

Fair Warning! 

This may be a long story...

July 16th, 2011. 

That's the day I met Jack. I was working in Burger King one after noon (and this has probably been stated before, but you don't know the story of where this is leading) and he was with a group of his friends. There were about six or seven of them. The reason actually that they'd been down there was, my cousin Michelle was talking to this guy that had gone to school with her brother (not by blood), Zack. His name was Merril and he seemed like a good guy at the time. 

Anyway, he arrived with six or seven of his friends and Michelle had gone over to talk to Merril. I was working as usual, just cleaning up the bar and counters when Michelle walked back behind the counter at me and say that one of the guys was checking me out. I didn't believe her because I'm not typically or usually the girl that a guy checks out. She left me alone for about two minutes before she walked back over to me and said that the guy wanted my number. It kind of felt like I was in a movie where a woman minds her own business and then all of a sudden this good looking guy walks in. I wasn't though and this was my reality. I looked over at her and said "I'm sorry, I don't have minutes on my phone". I was obviously lying because I had just been texting her earlier that day. . .She smiled at me and then said "That's alright, I'll get it from the office" and I followed her and kept asking her...Why? Why does this guy want my number? She just kept telling that he thought I was cute and he wanted to talk to me. So, he ended up with my number and we texted for the next couple of hours until I got off.

A Day passed and then my cousin, Michelle texted me and asked if I wanted to hang out for the night. I said Yes because I really wanted to get to know this guy. He already had my number, so why not? He came and picked me up that afternoon around 4:00pm and we went to the park. We were acting like kids and then I can still remember the way he smelled. We were on top of this children's playground and he didn't really look at me once, but Merril and Michelle were all over each other. It turned 8:00pm quicker than we imagined and me and Jack walked over to the swings, we were just swinging when we began talking. I asked him what he was looking for. Why he wanted my number? He had told me he wanted my number because he thought I'd be a good bang. (REALLY? That's it?) I just went silent and didn't say another word and he looked over at me and asked "Are you alright?" and I just nodded my head. I got up and walked over to the nearest tree. He got up and walked behind me and then he kissed me a few times, wanting me to be yet just another girl to add to his list. We walked to his truck, sat there for almost an hour and never once did I do a thing with him. We just kissed a few times, but of course...he wanted more. It never happened that night. 

A WEEK LATER:

Michelle wanted to go up to Merril's and hang out with him and Jack. I said, okay and we went up there. When we arrived there I sat down in Merril's living room and everyone was just looking at me. Merril's mom looked over at me and smiled, then Merril's dad glanced at me and asked "You Jack's girl?" I just smiled. I had never thought of it like that...Merril looked over at me and said "yeah, Jack's girl of the week" and I felt really crummy. After about fifteen minutes, we drove to Jack's place, because that's where we were staying. Jack wasn't home because he was working, but I stayed up on the couch all the way up until 6am when he walked through the front door. He seemed really tired and he sat on the opposite of the room. I looked over at him "You can come over here and use the blanket, it's pretty cold in here" I said. He walked over and then I was just looking over at him..I didn't mean to stare, but there was something about him. One thing lead to another and the night became a little fest where it just lead to things I didn't think would happen..and that's all it was..we just were a one-night stand type of deal. I thought...I could have honestly thought that I was going to have a good guy finally, but turned out he was just another guy for sex. 

July 25th, 2011

Michelle and Merril were still seeing eachother and I had my car. I drove Michelle up to Owen county multiple times so we could all hang out and it didn't bother me. When we went to Merril's, I sat on the chair right in the door way and every one was just staring at me, once again..but I noticed one guy staring at me. His name was Kalab. An eighteen year old, good looking man. I kept looking up and down at the floor, I was just enjoying watching Jayden (Michelle's baby). Michelle and I stayed there for about an hour, while I had noticed Kalab looking at me a few times. .I had chosen to get up and go to car and wait for Michelle to be done. About fifteen minutes later, Michelle had came out with Jayden and we headed home. "Kalab thinks your cute" Michelle said. I looked over at her and smiled. I was wondering.."Which one was Kalab?" and he said "The guy that was sitting right a crossed from you...the one without a shirt" I smiled and I was grinning ear to ear. 

Michelle had went to Owen county without me one night and Kalab had been saying that he liked me. Michelle gave him my number and we began talking. It wasn't long before we decided to date. August 4th, 2011. It only lasted a week..Things just weren't good with us at all...He said he didn't want just sex..but he did. 

September 16th, 2011. 

I will always remember this day. No matter what happens, this will be the most beautiful day of my life. I remember...

Jack texted me..Yes, the one from the beginning of the story. He texted me and we just were chatting at first and then he said he had a friend that wanted to meet me. I smiled..I texted him back and asked "Who? Who wants to meet me?" 

Jack: "His name is Jacob" 

Me: "Cool, what does he look like?" 

Jack: "Hold on I'll send a picture" 

Me: "Oka" 

I waited for about ten minutes and he said sent me an image. "Wow!" It was all I could say. The guy was gorgeous. I knew I needed to talk to this dude. 

Me: "He's really cute." 

Jack: "He thinks you're really pretty" 

Me: "How does he know what I look like?"

Jack: "He seen you on my friends list on Facebook" 

Me: "Oh Okay" 

The conversation went on for about an hour, then Jack texted me back and said that Jacob wanted my number. I told him to give it to him. Jacob and I had talked for a good hour and then he asked where I lived. I told him and he said that he was at the GYM in my county and asked if we wanted to hang out. I told him I'd love too, so I got up and changed my clothes, put on makeup and took a shower. I was ready to meet this guy. 

Later That Night

When they picked me up at first we went to the city park. Jacob and Jack were showing off in front of me. It was hilarious. I looked over at Jacob and said "Oh, please you fight like a girl" I was trying to rally him up and get him laughing. Then he came over to me and began to make short shots at me...and he was strong. He looked at me and smiled. He picked me up above his shoulders and then tackled me (gently) to the ground. Just sitting on top of me and he smiled. Later when we relocated to Butler Park, this is when things go interesting. Jack had left us alone on the look-out and we were just talking. "I'm scared of getting hurt again. I don't want things to go bad for me" I looked down at the ground and looked as if I was going to cry. He was standing between my legs as I was sitting on the stone and he had his hands upon my legs. "You're not going to get hurt, I promise. I'm not like that" he said. I smiled at him..and I wanted to believe every bit of it. My friend Brittany had went along with us. That away, Jack could have someone to hang out with me. It had to probably be one of the best nights of my life. 

To that day, me and Jacob continued to start..I remember how our relationship was growing strong! In April, I began dating one of my exes, Jim. Jacob found out and he was furious because he was upset I was with another man. He had never told me that we were to become more. When he told me he wanted to start out friendship over, he hadn't told me why? He made it clear when I was with Jim and the feelings began to grow for him. I wanted to be with Jacob so badly, but it never happened. I was hypothetically his, but not really. Eleven months of my life was wasted on this man. Because he had told me he wanted to start our friendship over so we could be together. WE wanted to be together, but then came the time where his job was his excuse for everything. I was fading from him and I was losing it. I couldn't bare to keep talking to him, but feel as if he was ignoring me too. Eleven months...and my heart was beginning to fall for him. I got away when I could, I couldn't bare looking at his image anymore and dealing with the pain that he was giving me. In June of 2012, I told Jacob I couldn't deal with it anymore. Until he knew what he wanted, I couldn't bare to be with him, but YET NOT be with him. I feel like I fell in love with him, but unfortunately the feeling's weren't mutual. 

THE END

 A True Story by Patricia Walker

When will it ever end

It's 1:25am and I'm still alive and kicking...I'm not even sleepy yet but yet I have the sudden urge to fall over onto my pillow. Which is in the other room while I'm sitting in the back bedroom and connecting to a small internet.

So I've been thinking all night..Where is my path leading towards now? I'm wondering where is my life going to end up. I'm going to college full-time and I'm certainly finally happy. School and financially I'm happy, but personally and mentally I'm not. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. What is a 18year old woman to do with her life when there is some missing piece? 

Wonder

Ever sit and rock yourself back in forth in your bed without realizing it?
Ever lay back within yourself, while huddled next to your pillow and begin to cry for no reason?
Have you ever wondered why certain things can just happen out of the blue and there be no explanation for it??

Well, I do. I often catch myself laying in bed at night looking at my ceiling and then I'll feel a single tear fall upon my face. My face gets warm and then my blood pressure rises without a warning. I don't know why such things happen, nor do I even know the answer to why I begin to think about what could have...could have been. Maybe, it's a chapter in my life that needs to be finished--sometimes I'll tell myself. ? 

Going Nuts?...TERM: Crazy!

Okay, so for some reason I fell that maybe I'm going crazy. I'm not even joking on a matter like this. Exactly where my computer desk sits in the living room, it faces the hallway. I was sitting here adding photos to my Tumblr and then I glanced over at my parents. They were both sitting on the couch so I knew they weren't going anywhere, but then I looked into the hallway and I could have sworn I seen a shadow walking towards the living room. I'm NOT crazy! Maybe, I'm just sitting on this computer for too long today. I glanced back at the hallway and the shadow figure was gone. Or maybe it would be the possibility of not sleeping yet.