We're Expecting!

So, About a week ago we received some exciting but surprising news. We're expecting. Yes, shortly after we got engaged, we find out we're expecting a baby. I didn't expect this to happen so soon, but I guess it's just a sign. We're really happy to become parent's. This is a really shocking time for us, but there isn't really much we can say about it. We're almost speechless. We don't care rather it's a boy or girl. Jordan and I joke everyday on what we want, he wants a boy, I want a girl. But as long as our child is a healthy baby, then we're perfectly fine with what we receive.
I couldn't be any happier, yes it is soon for us, especially for this to be happening now...but we're ready. A child can mean so many things and for us, it's just another form of our love. A child is a blessing and it definitely is in my eyes. I cannot wait to be a mommy, it's still so hard to believe. I'm ready one-hundred percent.

Up and Down

So you can probably tell that I've began to write a lot in a short period of time. Why? Well, that's easy to answer. I have so much on my mind that I find it almost impossible to be able to speak of one thing. I'm sitting at the kitchen table at 1:10 A.M. and I'm listening to some of the saddest songs that I could have ever possibly put on my iTunes.

Have you ever made your boyfriend or girlfriend so aggravated that you felt like you must punish yourself...as if them being aggravated because of YOU wasn't enough. Sitting here and I'm facing Jordan. He's got the one face of his where I know he's pissed off, sometimes so bad that he watches T.V. where it doesn't effect him as much. Here I go again, I'm making myself cry. My emotions have gotten so bad over the past few years that I can automatically cry on a dime. I don't mean too, I just am always scared that the next fight is going to cause him to go over the deep end...If not then, it will be the next.

He must really love because my emotions are like a roller coaster. I'm perfectly fine one minute, then next thing I'm either crying or being pissed off at the world. We argue, then it's over and we make up. I'm always just so scared...after I've fought with him, I'm always worried and always think the same thing over again. "What have I just done?" then that's when I feel like I must punish myself for what I've done. I get fed up with myself and what I cause that I'm always worried that there is going to be a deep end of the pool and there will be no coming back. 

Scared to Lose the One True Thing I Love

Okay, so I'm scared. Is it such a crime to be so scared to lose someone you love? Not in the sense of losing them exactly, but the aching feeling you may get within your chest, that just wants to tell you that you won't be able to make that one particular person happy for so long?

It's Us. Engaged & In Love..

It's Us...Engaged & In Love...

I'm in love with this dork.
I do not know how such a human being could love someone like me.

Trust?

I hate it when my trust-issues get in the way. I don't know what to do or what is going to happen. It scares me because I have been hurt, thrown away, and forgotten so many times that's it's became a part of who I am now. I love Jordan will all of my heart, but I hate it when I feel as if something is not right...am I thinking of it all on purpose? No. I just, I've just been hurt so many times before that it scares to be fully happy.

Everything can be perfectly fine with us, but one little thing is like a dagger in my heart and it feels like it's killing me inside. I don't want to have these trust-issues against Jordan. He doesn't deserve these feelings I have. I hate it when trust gets in the way, but it has too doesn't it? I just don't understand...I've had so many things happen before and it's worked so many times that I find it hard to trust, but I'm engaged to Jordan! I should NOT be feeling any discomfort with him or feeling I should have trust issues against him.

I don't....I don't believe I do. It's just those moments that I'll get where I feel like I'm drifting and there is no one there to catch me. I mean, who would? I'm a fat whale. There I go again, getting off track! See, I have a tendency to do this too....try to avoid the situation.

I've caught myself crying twice today...Jordan on the other hand had caught me once and it killed to me to look at him while writing my paper, to tell him that I was scared that I wouldn't be able to make him happy. What am I supposed to say? It scares me in moments more than one. Yes, I know when I look down on my left ring finger, I'm wearing his ring...but what if I'm just so worried that all this could just be a dream? What if when I pick fight...I'm trying to make sure it's still real and I'm not dreaming? I know, it's ridiculous. Maybe I'm nuts...I don't know. Maybe I'm just worried.

I'm doing the best I can. 

But, what if that isn't enough. I'm so worried that one day Jordan is going to wake up and not be happy with me. Maybe, he won't be able to stand me anymore. Am I doing the best I can or am I scared to truly open up to my true abilities. I trust him. With all of my heart and soul, I trust him. He's the love of my life. The never-ending love that I'd always write about...and now, my poems and my short stories have finally came true. Why is it so hard for me to try my best though? Maybe I'm just scared of losing him. Yeah, when I sit and try to think fully about it, I think that's my biggest fear.

I know he could do so much better than me.. I feel as if he's just stuck with me. I know he tells me on a daily basis that I am the woman he loves and I make him the happiest that he's ever been, but do I really deserve him? He's deserves someone so much better than me, is he settling?
I am just a fat-teenage girl coming out of her teens. An eighteen year old female with no look in the future of what she's going to do with her life...fighting for a living. A woman that is wanting something so desperately and not getting a chance to witness it. I'm so scared of living.

I can only take everyday each step at a time...I can just hope that I can always make my fiance' happy. I don't want to lose him. The one man that's meant so much so me, someone who walked into my life and became the most important to me. My life is truly great right now, I just wish that my trust issues would get out of the damn way and let me trust the way I know I can. I do trust him, I'm just a shattered vase getting put back together...he's found the pieces, he's just gluing me back to the structure. I don't know what I'd do without him, he's the best thing that could have ever walked into my life...I just hope this all just isn't a dream.

What's Wrong?

Last night Jordan and I were sitting at the kitchen table watching Hatfields & McCoys. I was fine at first, but then all of a sudden I have gotten dizzy and lightheaded. I relaxed a little bit in the chair, before I had decided to go to bed. Once the movie went off, Jordan and I was getting ready for bed when I began to get sharp pains in the stomach and what felt like a lot of pressure on my hips.

I was sitting on the bed when it began to feel like cramps. These weren't any ordinary cramps, but felt like someone was taking my insides and trying to rip them out from beneath me. Jordan helped me into bed when I tried to lie on my back, but the pain increased. I knew that I hadn't taken my daily medication so I had to take those.

Once I had tried to swallow them I came to find out that my gag-reflex was acting up. Every time I had tried to swallow a pill, I spit it back up and I would feel really lightheaded afterwards. I had spit up all over myself and the bed when Jordan helped me to the bathroom. I could barely walk from feeling dizzy and then, we'd decided that we needed to go to Wal*Mart. We needed to buy a test and make sure that I was alright. It came back negative. Devastated. I finally was able to fall asleep around 12:30am when I lied on my stomach, for someone putting a little pressure helped release a little pain.

I woke up this morning with the same pain, not once has it relived itself and it's caused me to feel sick all day. Everything I eat, about five minutes later I'd feel like I was going to throw up. What is wrong with me? I don't understand....all I know is...this pain is excruciating. 

I Hate Fighting…

We had a fight the other night. Yet again, this wasn’t a fight that either one of us had started. Jordan’s ex, which I would rather leave unnamed. She caused us to fight. Now, she had said many times over that she couldn’t have started our fight, well she did. I have access to his Facebook as he does mine and I read his messages. Well, she had a tendency to write him and trying to hide messages within a message. Get my drift? Well, I will tell you this…I do not care that they’re friends. It’s a good thing that he can stay friends with his ex-girlfriends. I just sincerely hate it, hate it with a passion that she doesn’t seem to understand when to stop or understand that he is my man, now! He isn’t going anywhere in any point of time.

I am the woman wearing his ring, and he isn’t going anywhere. Like I’ve said though, it does not bother me that he’s friends with her. It just really gets beneath my skin that she just NOT know how to stop….a relationship consists of two people, not three! Jordan has made it clear that I am the woman he’s chosen and it’s just something she really needs to get over. I really don’t appreciate it that she’s even sent him messages saying of how apparently I have stolen him away from her, well newsflash. I guess so, but you see who he is staying with now?

Now, I am not a negative person. But I am a pessimist (someone who thinks negative first, before positive) and I do believe that I love Jordan with all of my heart and I sometimes don’t believe he really understands that she is just a crack in the road. She’s caused two fights between us so far, and it makes me wonder how many more she is going to try to damage.

The funniest thing is, when Jordan and she began to argue over who he was going to choose…she’d begin to insult me. Okay, well her argument was with Jordan first off and then she drags me into it. If I did steal Jordan away from her, I am NOT sorry about it. He’s mine and he’s just one man that I’m not going to let walk out of my life. He’s the best thing that could ever possibly have walked into it and he’s the one man that I expect to give me his last name.

It’s excruciating to deal with such stupidity. Once you’ve realized that someone is in a relationship, that is not an open/closed sign to walk in and try to change things. Those two human beings are together for a reason and there is always a reason why you’re past relationships don’t work out. I know I’m ranting on now…but if only you knew how much she bugs me. That one little fact that it’s twice that she’s caused a dangerous path in my eyes. If she thinks I’m so bad about apparently stealing her man, then she needs to back off and begin to realize real quick that is will NOT be much longer before I make myself known.

Jordan has handled it long enough and I’m about to step it. No, I’m not going to be negative about it, but I will make my name known to her and make her believe that Jordan will NOT be hers anymore in any time or universe. She makes me blood boil and if only Jordan really understood how bad it hurts me to have to deal with it almost on a daily basis…I don’t believe he would actually really understand himself.

It hurts me to the extent to where I sometimes feel as if I can’t breathe that the mere mentioning of her name is a destruction to me. Her name, her face, even her little messages make me want to scream and I do believe that it’s going to wind up making me go crazy because it isn’t going to be much longer before I begin to give up on it….Not give up on Jordan or us, but give up on her…I will just begin to fade away and it will wind up where I will not have a single feeling towards anything. I’m going to be numb, trying to defy one simple thing will cause me to totally forget how to feel.

What if you're stuck?

It's funny how you can look at a certain object and it can make you have so many thoughts and it can turn your mood from one thing to someone else. How can something so simple cause such an impact on one other person. So little and yet so defying by the utter feeling of disaster.

Do you ever sit and wonder what it's like to be calm one moment, then turn around and be screaming your head off? Well...it becomes a hassle to deal with and it's a drug. No matter how much you don't want to fight or be caused by one disruptive feeling, you create a hurtful and most destructive situation that most generally...you won't be able to get yourself out of.

Find it?

It's been a few days since I last wrote and it seems like it sometimes getting hard to breathe. My walls are caving in on me and it's not what I thought. I feel as if there is one more thing in my life that's missing. What is it? When will I be able to find it? Will I?...Will I ever find it?

ENGAGED

November 10, 2012 was the best day that could have ever walked right into my life. It started off as any usual day. My boyfriend and I had woke up yesterday morning and decided to go to Florence for the day. First, we'd went to mall and I did not see it coming at all...We walked into Build-A-Bear and he'd bought me a seasonal bear. It couldn't have been any cuter than how he'd just smiled at me. As the day when on, I wasn't sure of what else could make the day better. Just being with him, made me day even better.
Later that night when we were on our way back home, we'd stopped into a small town outside of ours and we'd parked next to the river. It was cute of what he'd done. We walked down towards the bank and he'd knelled down. He'd said, laughing "I need to tie my shoe". I just smiled and look revealed on what he was about to do. Then he'd reached into his back pocket and asked me to marry him. I began to feel tears build up and I'd say YES. I am now engaged to the man that I love and I couldn't be any happier.

Neverending Growing...Love

It's something that I'm still getting used too. I'm not used to having someone there and having to worry about losing them, I'm not used to waking up in the mornings and having someone there for me. I'm just now understanding what the true meaning of love is, and it's a feeling that will forever be. To finally be happy with who I am and having someone on my right arm to hold me within his grasp and to have such a feeling of embrace within my chest. I've found one man so pure to fit his fingers between mine, that I've certainly happier than I've ever been. Only when the time comes, we've already got it all made. I wouldn't know what else to do or say, but I know this is a love that grows more everyday. It's a never-ending love, to grow.