I've been crying for over two hours straight.......
You know, my blog is the only place where I feel I actually talk to someone. Even if someone doesn't respond or talk back. I just feel it's something that I can do without worrying about being judged. In my world and in my own little mind, it's a free mind and open space for me to just speak what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it. I'm afraid. I'm not sure if this is something that I can blame on my pregnancy or not, but I just don't know what to think.
For the past couple of nights, I've lied next to Jordan while he's sleeping and I barely brush my hand upon his body just to see if he really is there. I feel distant from him lately, I feel as if we're pulling away more than pulling together. When I want to talk too him, it's like he doesn't want to talk to me. I am afraid to talk to him now, because all it ever does is lead to a fight.
For Example: We were having a great conversation tonight, I was lying in his arms and we were just lying in the dark talking about what we thought of each other when we first met. Then next thing I know we're arguing and fighting. Then we goes to sleep. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel as if I don't please him anymore, that I'm not good enough to be able to be his fiance. I'm afraid I'm just not going to be able to become his wife. I don't think we're going to last that long, and that scares me so dearly. I don't want to lose him. I don't think he realizes how much it scares me to watch him go to sleep, then not have him love me anymore when he wakes up.
I'm afraid of becoming a single mother, I'm afraid of losing my love and my child. I don't know where I'm leading anymore or what to think when my mind is wondering this deep. I don't want to lose the love of my life, the father of my child, my fiance that loves me so dearly, but I can't seem to understand why I'm throwing myself underneath this bus.
Does he think of what his life would be like if I weren't in it? Does he wonder who he should be loving? Am I really a choose or just a last resort? You see!!! I'm so faded, I don't know what to think anymore.
You know, my blog is the only place where I feel I actually talk to someone. Even if someone doesn't respond or talk back. I just feel it's something that I can do without worrying about being judged. In my world and in my own little mind, it's a free mind and open space for me to just speak what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it. I'm afraid. I'm not sure if this is something that I can blame on my pregnancy or not, but I just don't know what to think.
For the past couple of nights, I've lied next to Jordan while he's sleeping and I barely brush my hand upon his body just to see if he really is there. I feel distant from him lately, I feel as if we're pulling away more than pulling together. When I want to talk too him, it's like he doesn't want to talk to me. I am afraid to talk to him now, because all it ever does is lead to a fight.
For Example: We were having a great conversation tonight, I was lying in his arms and we were just lying in the dark talking about what we thought of each other when we first met. Then next thing I know we're arguing and fighting. Then we goes to sleep. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel as if I don't please him anymore, that I'm not good enough to be able to be his fiance. I'm afraid I'm just not going to be able to become his wife. I don't think we're going to last that long, and that scares me so dearly. I don't want to lose him. I don't think he realizes how much it scares me to watch him go to sleep, then not have him love me anymore when he wakes up.
I'm afraid of becoming a single mother, I'm afraid of losing my love and my child. I don't know where I'm leading anymore or what to think when my mind is wondering this deep. I don't want to lose the love of my life, the father of my child, my fiance that loves me so dearly, but I can't seem to understand why I'm throwing myself underneath this bus.
Does he think of what his life would be like if I weren't in it? Does he wonder who he should be loving? Am I really a choose or just a last resort? You see!!! I'm so faded, I don't know what to think anymore.
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