Let me ask for one question. "What the hell are you thinking? And why are you thinking it?" Well first, let me start off by saying that I'm guessing my mind is trying to play tricks on me again. I got to thinking...I went to her profile today. Yes, I said "hers". I mean her, you know, Anna. I began to think to myself. Once again getting myself mad, upset, irritated, however you'd like to explain it. But anyways, I got myself thinking...I shouldn't be the one that has a child with Jordan. Yes, I just said it. I just opened up to the world and said that my daughter should not have Jordan as her father.
Not meaning to make that sound bad, but I know that deep down inside that Jordan shouldn't have gotten with me. Jordan and Anna-Leigh had made a promise to each other to try for their relationship again once they'd turned 18. Well, I came along and ruined their relationship. I ruined any chances they had of ever being together again. I don't deserve Jordan and I will just be open and straight forward about it. Jordan loved her, and I know he still does because certain things still irritate him the way they shouldn't anymore. It really opened my eyes when Jordan had told me be thing I didn't expect to hear tonight.
I was watching one of my favorite movies, Labyrinth. And then all of a sudden Jordan just opens up and says I hate this movie. And of course, knowing me...I asked. I got an answer alright, but I wish I didn't have to hear what I heard. Jordan told me that Jareth (the goblin king in the Labyrinth) was the name of what they were going to name their son, if they ever had one. I could see that it hurt him...and it shouldn't be still hurting him. I shouldn't have had to look at him and have to see him look as if he were about to just fall apart. He still holds more love for her than he can explain to me, because even if he were to deny it...I can see it. I can see the disappointment in his eyes.
Sometimes I feel like when he looks down at our daughter, he wishes that Anna-Leigh were her mother. Not me. Sometimes I sit and wonder if he is waiting for me to end our relationship and our engagement so that he can get back with her. So he can wake up next to her every morning and see her face. So that he can just see and hold a future for the two of them. I wish Jordan could really sit back and see how it hurt me to see that it actually hurt him to say that it still bothers him...like he really does miss her. Like he really does still want a chance at a love with her. Now they're both adults, they have the opportunity and I'm just holding him back.
I really wish you would shut up and sit back and let things just happen. But if I were to really do that, then everything would fall beneath me.
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