Lately, its felt like everyday is getting harder to live. I wonder everyday at least once a day about what will happen if Jordan is to leave me, but he doesn't worry about me. About my decisions. He doesn't sit back and think of how I'm dealing with everything, what he would feel like if I were to get up and leave him. I'm scared and worried. He isn't afraid of losing me...he isn't afraid of what goes on in my head 24/7. He scares me everyday about what he'll do next. But yet he doesn't have a care in the world what my next move will be.
He makes me feel like that if I were to leave, he would let me just walk away. Like he wouldn't even care to fight for me. I don't want to leave him, I don't. I don't want to walk out of his life, but I feel like if I were to make the step of leaving...he wouldn't try evem harder to keep me.
I'm the happiest I've ever been when were together "sometimes", but sometimes he makes me feel like he doesn't want to try anymore. Like I'm trying for an invisible relationship that doesn't exist anymore. I try to be romantic and he doesn't pick up on it. I want him to be romantic and he's clueless.
We went to Point Park yesterday. The first place we took pictures together and the place that Jordan told me that I was his girl. I wanted to just spend time together and try to relive that day, but he was clueless as to why I wanted to go to Point. Before hand I wanted to go down to Down on Main Street (family restaurant) and relive the first place we ever went together and ate. He couldn't even get it in his head as to why I wanted to be there. He didn't see anything romantic in it. We wound up talking about random things, on top of talking about girls he had messed with before me.
Date? No. It was just like eating at McDonalds. Nothing special. My memories of what we've done together is just its my memories...my memories that just don't include him I guess. He sees no signifigance in anything that I do for us anymore. All they are like writings on the wall. Nothing special, nothing hopeful.
No comments:
Post a Comment