Is Hurts Bad

This is my list. 

You may be sitting there reading this and thinking, "okay, what list? And why is she writing it?" Well, the truth is...this is for me to really be able to understand and see what is and isn't still going on. 

-I miss waking up every morning with Jordan standing or sitting over top of me. I miss every second of it. Now I wake up every morning for two reasons. For one, I wake up way earlier than jordan does now. And for two, I guess Jordan just doesn't feel a need to want to do it anymore. 

-I miss going to Butler. Why? Because Butler is where we shared our first kiss and this where "we" started. A lot has to do with that day where we spent the first night together underneath the stars. Whenever go to a butler anymore and to be honest we haven't been there since before I was pregnant. We tried when I was five months pregnant, but that night just didn't play out the right way. 

-I miss when we'd write letters back and forth to each other. I really hurts me in a way I guess because I love letters so much and Jordan hasn't written me a letter since November 5, 2012. I've written him multiple letters, but all I'd get afterwards was him talking to me in person. No feeling on paper or anything of the sort. It just hurts me so bad because I have to ask for such things without getting them any time of the day. 

I have to get myself to realize something. I'm not going to get some things that is want, even fi they're the most simplest things...because Jordan doesn't like it. It just hurts me because he would always write poems about or for anna-Leigh. And now I don't get a single thing...

Writing My Story or Ours?

I'm wanting to begin writing my biography soon. I've been to Hell and  back and I most definitely believe that it's about time began writing it. I've been through so much in the last four years and yes. I do say four years. From the moment I turned fifteen my life has been on a downward spiral and it's been never ending. Right when I always thought that my life looking up, it'd always crash down on top of me. 

I'm wanting to begin writing it, but the sad part is...I can never know where I should start. The beginning? You may say, but it's harder than it looks. There are many beginnings to my story. The true question is, where is the beginning?  Do I just truly try with my life and when it began to crash down? Or do I begin with my relationship with Jordan? 

I've already said it. I am going to write "our" story. I feel it's a love story that needs to be told. We met last year on August 13th, began seeing each other in August 27th, officially started dating on October 3rd, got engaged on November 10, and then found out we were having a baby on November 21st. So you see, our story is a very well fastened life, but wouldn't trade a bit of it for the world. We've had our rough patches, so rough that you'd think we were married for twenty years. But I love him and were a wonderful family with our daughter, Evailyne. 

So, the question is....

Should I begin my story or our story? 

New job, more pain.

Jordan starts his new job tonight. He's going to begin working at this factory that is about an hour drive all together to get there. Hell be working 7:30pm to 6am...I'm just so worried. Everything that happened in April and May that carried over to me finding out in June...I'm really worried and scared that this is the end. 

He knows that I can't trust him right now, but it just scares me that we ain't going to make it past this and he will wind up losing me. 

No Effect

I went through her deviant again. Yes, I know I'm just hurting myself when I do it. But I can't help myself. I see how Jordan once loved her and for once in my life, once in our relationship, going to her profile didnt effect me. I went through her pictures and I began to smile. It no longer hurts me to see her pictures because deep down inside I know Jordan still loves her and I'm never going to change that. 

Today, Jordan got home from work and I had been upset since yesterday because of how he never responded to me when I had said that it was two girls that he had gotten a ride from to get to work. Well, I honestly haven't cared about a single thing today. Its like all my feelings have faded and nothing is effecting me. All my caring for a single thing he had done, I was no longer crying over him. Just plain going off on him. Like nothing mattered anymore and it was like I could care less. 

One Year of Knowing

Nearly two days. Nearly two days and Jordan and I will have known each other for a year. Doesn't really make a big change to our lives, just think its a wonder on how much someone can change in just one year. We've changed so much in the past year that us hard to believe that we're even still the same person. Actually no, we're not the same people. We've changed. We're different and sometimes I wish we could be who we once were..

Letter to self

Dear self, 

   Let me ask for one question. "What the hell are you thinking? And why are you thinking it?" Well first, let me start off by saying that I'm guessing my mind is trying to play tricks on me again. I got to thinking...I went to her profile today. Yes, I said "hers". I mean her, you know, Anna. I began to think to myself. Once again getting myself mad, upset, irritated, however you'd like to explain it. But anyways, I got myself thinking...I shouldn't be the one that has a child with Jordan. Yes, I just said it. I just opened up to the world and said that my daughter should not have Jordan as her father. 

Not meaning to make that sound bad, but I know that deep down inside that Jordan shouldn't have gotten with me. Jordan and Anna-Leigh had made a promise to each other to try for their relationship again once they'd turned 18. Well, I came along and ruined their relationship. I ruined any chances they had of ever being together again. I don't deserve Jordan and I will just be open and straight forward about it. Jordan loved her, and I know he still does because certain things still irritate him the way they shouldn't anymore. It really opened my eyes when Jordan had told me be thing I didn't expect to hear tonight. 

I was watching one of my favorite movies, Labyrinth. And then all of a sudden Jordan just opens up and says I hate this movie. And of course, knowing me...I asked. I got an answer alright, but I wish I didn't have to hear what I heard. Jordan told me that Jareth (the goblin king in the Labyrinth) was the name of what they were going to name their son, if they ever had one. I could see that it hurt him...and it shouldn't be still hurting him. I shouldn't have had to look at him and have to see him look as if he were about to just fall apart. He still holds more love for her than he can explain to me, because even if he were to deny it...I can see it. I can see the disappointment in his eyes. 

Sometimes I feel like when he looks down at our daughter, he wishes that Anna-Leigh were her mother. Not me. Sometimes I sit and wonder if he is waiting for me to end our relationship and our engagement so that he can get back with her. So he can wake up next to her every morning and see her face. So that he can just see and hold a future for the two of them. I wish Jordan could really sit back and see how it hurt me to see that it actually hurt him to say that it still bothers him...like he really does miss her. Like he really does still want a chance at a love with her. Now they're both adults, they have the opportunity and I'm just holding him back. 

I really wish you would shut up and sit back and let things just happen. But if I were to really do that, then everything would fall beneath me. 

Baby names, maybe used in the future?

Baby Names (list):

This is just a short list of names that I adore. 

1. Emerick

2. Warwick

3. Jareth (labryrinth)

4. Willow (willow)

5. Kiaya (ky-uh) (willow)

6. Sorsha (willow)

7. Atreyu (never ending story)

8. Auyrn (or-in) (never ending story) 

9. Kira (the Dark crystal)

10. Persephone (per-sef-uh-knee) (mythology)

11. Lawson

12. Ranon (willow)

13. Elora (willow)

14. Satine (moulin rouge)

15. Anakin (star wars) 

16. Ewan 

17. Lucian 

Wedding Planning

Positive Post?

Wedding Prices...so far.

Overall Wedding Price: $12,600

Wedding/Reception: $6,000
Dress: $400-$1,000
Catering: $800-$1,000
Groom Tux: $400
Groomsmen Tux: $250/each
Bridemaids Dresses: $200/each
Decorations: $2,000

Taking Care of Evailyne

Love just isn't the same anymore. And it doesn't seem like its getting any better or improvement. I look down at our daughter and I know that she is the most precious thing I could ever have in my life right now. But it gets to me. I take care of Evailyne 24/7 and Jordan acts like he's the one taking care of her. He says its stressful for him, but he doesn't do even half of what I do.

I get up with her in the middle of the night and put her back to sleep. Sometimes it take an hour at least to put her down. I am the one that feeds her and changes her, and I will admit that yes Jordan does it sometimes, but most of the time I have to ask him to do so. He runs off and does as he pleases and I don't say anything. He goes and does and says whatever...and I don't open my mouth. I'm always taking care of our daughter. And I'm not complaining. I just complain because I wish he understood that he isn't even doing the half of it.

I should of known this is what would happen. He acts like he doesn't even have a daughter unless he walks up to her and to kiss her. That's about it. Its like he only ever wants her when she's clean and fed. And he wants to cuddle with her.

I feel like I'm a full time housemaid. I know that no matter what I'm a full time mother, but I feel like a single mother. Because I feel as if there is no romance either. Her mother and father are just like they're living with one another without any care for another. Evailyne might as well be growing up with a split family because I bet even society can see there is like there is no romance for this couple.

I don't understand how I'm in a relationship. I really don't, there are so many things are negative about me. Like let's do my size. I am wanting to lose weight so badly, and I have to admit I've lost over 30lbs since I had my daughter. But that doesn't count for me. It really doesn't. There are so many things that I can't do that a skinny girl can. 

I can't jump on my boyfriends back. 

I can't just randomly jump around on him. 

I don't even want to get married because I know I won't be able to be carried over the threshold. I just don't want to deal with it. I'm not skinny and I can't do what a lot of skinny girls can. If it isn't one thing, it's truly another. 

Missing

I miss our love
I miss our romance
You've destroyed my views
How can I trust

You've forbid me to care
Because I care too much
Your love is like torture
Your love is to harsh

You tell me
You still love me
You tell me
You still care

But you have me lost
You have fading
Where is our love
Why is it so hard

Hopeful Love? Lost in Time

Lately, its felt like everyday is getting harder to live. I wonder everyday at least once a day about what will happen if Jordan is to leave me, but he doesn't worry about me. About my decisions. He doesn't sit back and think of how I'm dealing with everything, what he would feel like if I were to get up and leave him. I'm scared and worried. He isn't afraid of losing me...he isn't afraid of what goes on in my head 24/7. He scares me everyday about what he'll do next. But yet he doesn't have a care in the world what my next move will be.

He makes me feel like that if I were to leave, he would let me just walk away. Like he wouldn't even care to fight for me. I don't want to leave him, I don't. I don't want to walk out of his life, but I feel like if I were to make the step of leaving...he wouldn't try evem harder to keep me.

I'm the happiest I've ever been when were together "sometimes", but sometimes he makes me feel like he doesn't want to try anymore. Like I'm trying for an invisible relationship that doesn't exist anymore. I try to be romantic and he doesn't pick up on it. I want him to be romantic and he's clueless.

We went to Point Park yesterday. The first place we took pictures together and the place that Jordan told me that I was his girl. I wanted to just spend time together and try to relive that day, but he was clueless as to why I wanted to go to Point. Before hand I wanted to go down to Down on Main Street (family restaurant) and relive the first place we ever went together and ate. He couldn't even get it in his head as to why I wanted to be there. He didn't see anything romantic in it. We wound up talking about random things, on top of talking about girls he had messed with before me.

Date? No. It was just like eating at McDonalds. Nothing special. My memories of what we've done together is just its my memories...my memories that just don't include him I guess. He sees no signifigance in anything that I do for us anymore. All they are like writings on the wall. Nothing special, nothing hopeful.

How could I just believe it?

Looking back at my previous post "Coming to a Conclusion", it really just begins to make me wonder and think about so much. I wrote that post in March and I felt like at that time, mine and Jordan's relationship was getting so much better. Rather it was in that instant or with time. I didn't know what that month had in store for me or the decisions that we'd make together or separate. 

Jordan says I've changed a lot in the past few months and I do have to admit, even agree with him that I have changed. For the better? Or for the worst? I really don't know...I can't really say much about it. I do believe I have changed quite a bit because I had to grow up when I knew we were having a baby. But I have changed so much all together because being so scared of what is to happen next, then your whole personality begins to change from good to worse. Jordan has actually changed me. Our relationship in the beginning was us always going and doing stuff together, but now that were a family, it's like he doesn't have time for me. And imagine how I feel about all of this when not even two months ago...everything was different. 

I was in the brink of losing everything because I was so scared to carry on our relationship. I was so scared to move in from what had happened. Every day is still a battle for me, but I try so hard to remind myself that it was a mistake. It was only one time that he did it to me. I'm still trying to look past it, but it worried me so, to just try to overlook such things.  

Mommy's baby girl - 16days old

Getting bigger and older

I can't believe it, I sincerely cannot believe it. My baby girl will three weeks old tomorrow. Where has time gone? And why is it flying by so quickly? Also, I quick update since I hadn't updated the fact that she was born....oops, I'm sincerely sorry for that by the way. 

Anyways. 

Evailyne was on July 18th, 2013. At 4:47pm. She weighed 8lbs and 0oz. 19 7/8inches long. Labor was so hard, but ill explain further in another post. Tomorrow is August 8th and time has been flying by so quickly that I cannot get my head to wrap around the fact that my daughter is already making it seem almost impossible to be so glad she's so tiny. She is getting bigger everyday and it makes me want to cry when I look down at her and think that she is getting so much closer to getting older.