Can We Make It?

Can We Make It?

By: 

Patricia Walker

When I stand still I can still feel

your body

the way you just held me

the way you picked me

up

when we laid beneath

the stars

just hearing your

voice

when you put your arms

around me

we talked for hours

remember?

you looked me in the eyes

and kissed me softly

ooohh, your kiss

your sweet lips pressed

upon mine

i told you i needed to

put my wall back up

you looked in my eyes

with your hands grasped

upon my face

"we both know that wall is no longer there

and even if it is, i'll break right through it."

i told you...

i couldn't have hope

and you'd began to tell me

you'd hadn't been that

happy in a long time

i remember...you placed

your hand upon my heart

and felt it

burst.

the kiss that followed

i began to melt

do you remember?

the moment i began to cry?

you wiped them away

you told me to stop

and

i did instantly

i don't want this day 

to be a

dream

i want it to be 

our reality.

Don't Dwell..

Someone asked me, "If you could change your past...what would it be?" I looked down at the floor and just felt a tear roll off of my cheek onto the floor. I didn't know what to say or what to do next. I'm ashamed of my past and how I handled it. There were a lot of things that I could have said, but I plainly looked back up and just looked a the person and said, "If I could change my past? I wouldn't change a thing...no matter how painful my past is and how it's made me today...that's the point though, I am who I am today because of my past and the mistakes I made. Do I wish I could go back and maybe change a few things, yes. But it doesn't change who I am because I completely and perfectly fine with who I have became.
I can't go back now on anything and I wouldn't, I regret almost half of my past, but it's made me the strong person that I am now and It's something that I sometimes wish, but now I'm where I am today because of my past. 

Falling

I think I am beginning to fall into a deeper trance with Jordan. I feel like I'm beginning to form this feeling in my chest and it's like an explosion. It's not the bad type that most people will feel from time to time, but the one where you feel like you're lifted off of the ground and it's just you two. I am falling for Jordan and I'm not going to deny it. We've been seeing each other for quite a bit, but we're not together per-say. We're together, but we don't have the label for a relationship, yet.
Now, I'm not going to sit here and say "Oh, I'm in love with him and he's all I want." because simply of the fact that I've caught myself saying it, but not feeling it. I'm not going to say it unless I feel it, but I'm definitely feeling something.
I had quite the epiphany the other night. I am growing over the fact that I'm completely and utterly over Jacob. When I'm with Jordan, Jacob never existed to me and it's a feeling that I'm happy to say Jordan can take away. It means a lot to me that I can be with him and it takes away all of the pain that I ever felt with or for Jacob.

?Whoa.

1. Derek
2. Dylan
3. David
4. Codie
5. Zack
6. Austin 
7. Jack
8. Kalab
9. Dalton
10. Jacob
11. Wesley
12. Cody
13. Aaron
14. Jordan

Eternal

Eternal by: 

Patricia Walker

I have this invisible wall put up
it helps keep out heartache
help keep out tragedy
i don't want to be the girl to
fall apart but,
the girl that is happy to be
yours
i can't take one more step
towards you
i can't take a risk
unless
its gonna be real
i don't want to be one of
your girls
i don't want to have a scar
on my chest
i want the eternal feeling

It's An On-Ward Effect

Sometimes I find it hard to keep up with my blog. It isn't like I have a million followers and people are always commenting what is right and what is wrong. I just find it hard some nights to come home from my classes or spending the day with Jordan, I just think sometimes maybe it isn't worth talking about. If I were write every single day, then it'd be quite boring to read anything on here. I'm not saying my blog isn't boring, because most of the time I believe it to be so.

See, I bet reading this you're thinking...this is worthless, she's just going on and on and on about nothing. Well, see it's simple to get off track and just write about anything. Sometimes....you'll just lay in one stop and simply begin to think, what could be better? 

It's Revival.

If I said my days are numbered...what would you think? If I said that I was only going to have so many more words to say...what would you do then? The answer is simple, what if you couldn't do a thing about anything that I've had to say or do. It's simply because I have thought many times over that this is just a short term life of someone's other point of earth.
I don't believe and if you have to sit back and think about it, then obviously you don't know what I'm talking about. I don't believe because I don't think that one person and one person alone has such much upon their head that every corner they turn, it must be some type of torture. One person doesn't deserve the torture and pain that I've went through for the past two years. I have been on this planet for eighteen and half years now. In April '13, I'll be nineteen and I have already been through the fiery gates of Hell twice. Once in 2010 and once in 2011, no one deserves this pain. It's two-thousand and twelve now and I haven't had to deal with any type of pain this year yet except of what happened between Jacob and I. That doesn't really count though because I didn't feel the agonizing pain that I'd felt with Adam and what I felt last year.

I'm reviving. I'm a re-cooperating into a new form and I am not going to back down now. I am becoming a new and improved self that I am not going to let my past be the effect of my future. It's going to be tough, because I can't forget Adam or last year, but it's simply a feeling that I'm forming within that I must move and try to find the new bright and improved path to follow. 

High School Lust to Simply Growing Up

Not trying to start a quarrel with myself, but after reviewing my blog and the past history of my writing on here...I have noticed that I've been kind of a whore. Yes, I said it...a Whore. Not the type that goes on with her life and just has sex with anybody, but the mere thought of saying "Oh, I'm in love with this guy...It's not lust it's love and I just know it is." It's just a thought of me saying that it's a whore-factor. I guess you could that I've been kind of a wreck over the past couple of years.
It's ridiculous of how I fell for apparently this man and then two weeks later, Oh I'm talking to this one. It's merely a thought of coming to mind and saying "Wow." I cannot believe of how, how one moment I could be happy with life, then turn around and it turns out that it was just high school lust. We all go through it and you can't deny it. We've all went through that phase of feeling like we're in love, but simply just being in love with the fact of being in love. Never really felt it, just a thought and term we'd use to cover up the teenage hormones to feeling one simple pleasure. 

Erased from the Memory

Past? Well, PAST is now ERASED from my mind. 
Kept Upon my Blog for slight memory or short story...but Mind? It's Gone! 

It's a History worth Forgetting

I have failed to notice how pathetic my blog can be. I've been on writing this blog for almost three years and most of it simply has just been nothing but me complaining about how this one guy was treating me or how I was afraid of moving on with my life. Well world, it's true. I have my break down moments and my moments where I just need to vent--but sometimes my venting is really pathetic and very childish. I can't seem to realize or finally just read over what I've written and how hung up on my ex(es) I was. Can I honestly get an "Eww?" Well, I'll just do it for myself, Eww..I cannot believe of how I was hung up on my ex Dylan when after I've entered college and moved on, I have seemed to finally grow up and make sure that if I have made any mistakes in my past, which I have...I'll just erase it as if it never existed in my love--history. Let's simply say that it's a history worth forgetting and not repeating. I've started a new history for myself and I feel like I'm happy with the baby steps I'm taking, but it's going to take some time to re-cooperate. 

I Can't Even....Even Begin

I don't have much to say, I don't even think that if I could think of something...I wouldn't be able explain. He told me he loves me. .What am I supposed to do? I'm just too worried and too scared, it's a feeling that I just know I have, but it's an emotional time for me to be able to explain. 

It's Getting Stronger.

It's happening...It's happening and I cannot deny it.
I'm falling for Jordan and I don't want to turn away now. I have been hurt and thrown away (literally) too many times to count that I just feel as if this is my [new] beginning that I have been waiting for in my life. I know I have talked, and talked, and talked...about multiple guys in my life throughout this selfish blog of mine, but I am beginning to feel something that I'm not sure I've felt before. It's a new feeling, it's a strong and empathetic feeling that overwhelms how I ever felt about Jacob.
I told my mother that when I'm with Jordan, it's as if Jacob never existed, once...once in my life. It has to mean something, I mean C'mon! You can't spend eleven months of your life with one man and one man only, then be so committed to him, and when someone else comes into your life it's like...'Who are you talking about? I don't know that person.'
It's a strong and powerful feeling that I get when I'm with Jordan. Just by sitting beside him and talking to him, my heart begins to pound so fast and hard that sometimes I forget what I'm doing. Being with him, it's a controllable feeling that is no longer Lust. When the day comes that I spend with Jordan, it's like the world doesn't exist around us.

I have noticed...When I'm with Jordan and the song "Stay" by Black Stone Cherry comes on, if I'm singing when I'm with him, he can see the pain in my eyes. The power of how much the words upon that song can effect me in one slight moment or verse. If I'm singing the lyrics, my eyes get pale and my lips move upon the motion...he'll lean in and grab my chin, then kiss me. I forget. I forget how I feel or even felt about Jacob. 

I've thought about it again..

I've tried to think of a million different ways that I could just close my blog and open a new one. I can't do that though, there are so many memories upon this one that I don't believe needed to be forgotten. I know there are many times that I'll begin writing and I'll just mumble, but that's what makes my blog so fascinating. Not being conceited, but it's true.
I know there have been many times that I'd just complain and write some of the worst things possible to write about, but it's just a part of my life that I like being able to go back and read about what I've done so terrible in the past. I don't know who reads this crap, nor do I even think even one person reads it. It's just a way for me to vent. A place where I can talk about anything in my life and some times I actually think that it's just a hidden passage. 

I'm the girl..

I'm the girl that you will forever hate. 

I'm the girl that everyone will hate because of her attitude and not even an apology would change that. 

I'm the girl that you will talk about behind her back.

I'm the girl that tries to hard on a relationship that will obviously never work. 

I'm the girl that is called fat on a daily basis. 

I'm the girl that puts makeup on to cover her scars.

I'm the girl that has been to Hell more than once in her lifetime. 

I'm the girl that cries when she feels like something is definitely not going to end well. 

I'm the girl that will give up. 

I'm the girl that by the end of the movie, she's the one lying in a ditch and no one cares. 

I'm the girl that while you're reading this, you're remembering that she's a nobody. 

I'm the girl that tries too hard to get the guy, but always fails. 

I'm the girl that no one feels sorry for. 

I'm the girl..

I'm just the girl. 

No one special.