Trust?

I hate it when my trust-issues get in the way. I don't know what to do or what is going to happen. It scares me because I have been hurt, thrown away, and forgotten so many times that's it's became a part of who I am now. I love Jordan will all of my heart, but I hate it when I feel as if something is not right...am I thinking of it all on purpose? No. I just, I've just been hurt so many times before that it scares to be fully happy.

Everything can be perfectly fine with us, but one little thing is like a dagger in my heart and it feels like it's killing me inside. I don't want to have these trust-issues against Jordan. He doesn't deserve these feelings I have. I hate it when trust gets in the way, but it has too doesn't it? I just don't understand...I've had so many things happen before and it's worked so many times that I find it hard to trust, but I'm engaged to Jordan! I should NOT be feeling any discomfort with him or feeling I should have trust issues against him.

I don't....I don't believe I do. It's just those moments that I'll get where I feel like I'm drifting and there is no one there to catch me. I mean, who would? I'm a fat whale. There I go again, getting off track! See, I have a tendency to do this too....try to avoid the situation.

I've caught myself crying twice today...Jordan on the other hand had caught me once and it killed to me to look at him while writing my paper, to tell him that I was scared that I wouldn't be able to make him happy. What am I supposed to say? It scares me in moments more than one. Yes, I know when I look down on my left ring finger, I'm wearing his ring...but what if I'm just so worried that all this could just be a dream? What if when I pick fight...I'm trying to make sure it's still real and I'm not dreaming? I know, it's ridiculous. Maybe I'm nuts...I don't know. Maybe I'm just worried.

I'm doing the best I can. 

But, what if that isn't enough. I'm so worried that one day Jordan is going to wake up and not be happy with me. Maybe, he won't be able to stand me anymore. Am I doing the best I can or am I scared to truly open up to my true abilities. I trust him. With all of my heart and soul, I trust him. He's the love of my life. The never-ending love that I'd always write about...and now, my poems and my short stories have finally came true. Why is it so hard for me to try my best though? Maybe I'm just scared of losing him. Yeah, when I sit and try to think fully about it, I think that's my biggest fear.

I know he could do so much better than me.. I feel as if he's just stuck with me. I know he tells me on a daily basis that I am the woman he loves and I make him the happiest that he's ever been, but do I really deserve him? He's deserves someone so much better than me, is he settling?
I am just a fat-teenage girl coming out of her teens. An eighteen year old female with no look in the future of what she's going to do with her life...fighting for a living. A woman that is wanting something so desperately and not getting a chance to witness it. I'm so scared of living.

I can only take everyday each step at a time...I can just hope that I can always make my fiance' happy. I don't want to lose him. The one man that's meant so much so me, someone who walked into my life and became the most important to me. My life is truly great right now, I just wish that my trust issues would get out of the damn way and let me trust the way I know I can. I do trust him, I'm just a shattered vase getting put back together...he's found the pieces, he's just gluing me back to the structure. I don't know what I'd do without him, he's the best thing that could have ever walked into my life...I just hope this all just isn't a dream.