Coming to a Conclusion

It's almost April and I can't believe that I will be spending my birthday with someone who loves me. I cannot believe that after all of the horrid troubles and the scorching heartaches, I'd finally spending time with someone who is sticking by my side through all of the thick and thin areas of life. Jordan and I have been dating since October and engaged since November. I know it's a weird way of spending a relationship, but after everything that just seemed to have fell into place...it all felt natural. I do have to admit a lot through out relationship, there's been quite a few fights over his ex-girlfriends, but I've finally came to my conclusion that I needed in life to admit to myself that he wasn't going anywhere. I do have to admit that there are days that I'm scared I'll wake up and he'll realize he made a mistake, but I guess it's just something that helps me prove myself wrong everyday. I do love Jordan with all of my heart and everyday is a new journey.

I like to make myself believe that after each argument and fight, the next day is a new adventure for us. We're still young and I guess my way of starting an argument is to prove to myself and to prove within our relationship that he isn't going anywhere. Not yet. Not soon. Not ever. I'm actually truly blessed to be in this world and to be loved by a man that approves of every step I make. A man that finally accepts me for every little flaw of mine. I wouldn't have been able to find another man like him.

I wake up every morning and it scares me to awaken my eyes and to see that he isn't lying next to me. Then I hear a movement below my feet and he's there. A man that finally lays next to me at night and kisses me every morning. Finally a man that sticks around for the morning sun and the man that rubs my stomach every morning to say hello to his beautiful baby girl growing inside of me. Above all things that have went up and down in this relationship, we've made it through to the other side to look at the brighter days.

Now as I think about each day, I don't think I could have ever truly imagined myself with anyone else in this world. I had thought that in my past I'd love another and I could imagine a life with him; but, now being with Jordan it's like my life couldn't have been any more clear and complete with anyone else. Now, it's as if no other man had ever existed. And now I couldn't have asked for another beginning at anything else.

Jordan is truly the only man I shall ever love for the rest of my life, no question asked. Unless we have a son, then that day I love another man will change for our child. Right now, we have a beautiful little girl on her way to make her arrival in July. With my hormones going on a rollercoaster everyday, I do have my days where I wonder with Jordan will stick around through all of the arguments, fights, ups and down, and I know that deep down he isn't going anywhere. It's a short fear for me to be scared. Something to keep worrying until that everything is perfect for us. 

We're engaged and yet I still have my doubts like we're just dating, but I never had this fears until our arguments began and the fights were neverending. Now, I have came to my conclusions of understanding that he loves me. He loves me for who I am and he isn't going to change his love me...ever. Not now, not ever. 

It's Our Story..

• August 13, 2012: It was my first day of college. I was ready to start off college better than I had done in high school. I wasn’t expecting to do anything else, just focus on school work and go on about all my business. I’d thought that I could just go school and then wait a couple of years before finding a man to have in my life. Until, I met Jordan. First day of college and Jefferson Community was offering an Ice Cream Social. I had been trying to debate between going upstairs and getting an ice cream or just staying in the computer lab. I’d eventually made my decision to go and see who all was up there. That’s when I seen Jordan. He was all laid back in the chair with his white work shirt, jeans, red bandanna, and sunglasses sitting upon his head. He looked as if he was twenty-one or twenty-two years old. I didn’t expect to talk too him, I was just standing and debating rather or not I wanted to get a small cup of ice cream (I don’t eat much ice cream at all). Sandie (the secretary of JCTC) turned around and asked if I wanted one. I stood there and just said that I wasn’t sure. Jordan had stared at me and asked “What is there to debate about? It’s ice cream?” I had just smiled and said that I wasn’t much of an ice cream eater. Afterwards, still waiting for class to start at 6:00pm, I sat at the table where Jordan was sitting. Two other girls walked in and sat down with us, Jordan flirted with all of the girls. 

• August 14, 2012: I walked into my MAT class and to my surprise, I had it with Jordan. I walked in and sat two seats over away from him and when he’d seen me he’d said “Oh god”. I noticed who he was considering I’d only talked to him once. “Oh lord..really?” I said. After I’d sat down, after a few minutes…Jordan and I had began to joke around until class was over. 

• August 22, 2012: I had decided to put on my new dress that I had found, a nice looking little sun dress. I felt beautiful in it and apparently I wasn’t the only one. I didn’t have class with Jordan and when I had gotten out of class, I’d decided for a strange reason to sit in the front lobby. Then I noticed Jordan walking out of the stairway with one of his friends, Tiffany. He stopped in front of me sitting on the bench and he just stared at me. I smiled and got uncomfortable. I walked outside and decided to walk to the library when I noticed Jordan and his friend driving by, I head Jordan whistle out of the window at me. I blushed. 

• August 23, 2012: I was having my MAT class and I’d decided to dress up again, just to see what would happen.  I had my hair fixed, makeup, wearing high heels and my new purple shirt I’d just bought.I walked into class and Jordan just stared at me…I was like “what?” and then sat down. “You just look pretty” and his mouth looked like it had dropped. He had asked me why I decided to dress and I had just said I felt like it, then he’d said “You don’t have to dress up to be beautiful” and I began to fall for his words. 

• August 27, 2012: I knew today was going to be a good day, just by the way it went. Then when I had saw Jordan, I decided to take the dare-devil path. I was going to walk past him when he stopped me. “Give me a hug” he said. I just shook my head and I didn’t want too. Stubborn yes. I then had an idea and I asked him if he had a ride home. He said “I do, but I could get anyone to give me a ride” I smiled and I said “well you’re going to let me give you a ride home, when do you need to be home?” Then the night began. When we got into the truck, we’d just randomly start talking about everything and then he just told me “You don’t want to date me” I replied to him fast and told him I didn’t want to date him. In all honesty, I just wanted to mess around with him, nothing more. Then we began talking more and more, but once we’d started to kiss. My thoughts had changed..I didn’t want him as friends-with-benefits. Later that night when I took him home, things had kind of changed. We stood outside underneath the moon and stars, sitting on the hood of my jeep. Just talking, then once we’d began to speak to each other of our relationships, we were scared to be anything more than friends. 

• August 30, 2012: I wore my yellow sun dress to class when I had noticed Jordan wasn’t in class. We had a test in MAT and I was kind of worried that Jordan wasn’t coming. After about fifteen minutes, he’d finally came in and sat beside. He hadn’t spoken one word to me or even smile at me. I had wrote him a note and asked him if he was okay. He had just told me he was stressed from work. Then he’d told me that he was distracted. I wrote him a letter telling him that I was sorry that I distracted him. Then it began. I tried walking away and he followed me down the stairs, outside the door. He called me back over to him and relationship was was beginning to build. 

• September 16, 2012: We took our first pictures together. I told Jordan that I was scared that we wouldn’t be together and I couldn’t put the pictures on Facebook until we were official. He told me, we’re together. no matter what. 

• September 22, 2012: Jordan told me he loved me for the first time. He’d told me he’d never fallen so fast or harder for a girl. 

• September 26, 2012: I told Jordan I loved him for the first time. 

• October 3, 2012: We are Official. 

• November 10, 2012: We got Engaged <3>

• November 21, 2012: We found out we’re expecting!

GOOD NEWS? Yes, I do believe we have some very late news to bring upon my blog.

We're Having a little.......GIRL.
Yes! Little Evailyne Patsy Jane Lamb is almost here. I'm 23weeks & 2days today. Time is flying by so quickly and it's such a blessing to know that my baby girl is nearly here. I cannot wait to hold Eva in my arms for the first time and see the look on her daddy's face when she's born. I can't wait to take pictures of her and pictures of her daddy holding her. Our daughter only have 3 short months before she's here. I'm so worried for her to be here, but yet I'm so excited and cannot wait to be able to see her for myself.

It's been awhile since I last posted a blog worth reading. I've just been dealing with a lot of pressure lately, not the bad kind per-say, but definitely the type that would just drive a person insane. I think I've came to my own conclusion that I'm officially well. Officially over the fact over one of Jordan's exes always turning up out of no where....in almost every conversation. I finally sat down a few days ago and went through all of their messages that began around the time we'd began talking. Well, I noticed how she'd began a lot of the drama between Jordan and I, and created this ever-lasting effect upon myself and our relationship.

Yes, in fact I am talking about Anna-Leigh. Yes this would be the one that caused "our" first fight. She'd claimed that it couldn't have been her fault to cause a fight, but yet she was the first one to start something with Jordan against myself. She'd be the first to insult me, saying everyone in their old neighborhood was saying that I was "u-g-l-y". I won't deny, I may be ugly to a lot of people, but hey. I have a man that finally walked into my life to stay because he wanted too. But like I said, I wasn't the first to start the fight or issues between ex and fiance'.

Finally, I'd went through all of the messages and had noticed how she's insulted me more times than I can count, before I'd even thought about insulting her. I began to become calm over the things I read rather than getting upset over them. Then I realized, Jordan is with me. If he wanted another Anna-Leigh he would have tried to find her. He would have tried to find another her. He wouldn't have wound up with me knowing I was different if he wanted to be with her.

I really can't understand why it'd taken myself so long to realize such things. We've been together practically since August, but yet it'd taken me all the way until here in March to realize that Jordan isn't going anywhere. Maybe I'm just trying to figure out myself so that I will know when the beating will bring down the whole house and pain..

Jordan's Gone.

So you'd think that when it comes to spending 24/7 with someone, taking the time away would be nice to have! But no, that isn't what has happened. I'm stuck at the apartment with my parents, as Jordan is gone to his dad's to work on his truck. 

Last night Jordan's brother came and got him. Now, he's three hours away and I haven't spoken but maybe three times to him. That's it! The only reason he's even spoken to me is because I'd texted him first. It's like he doesn't want to talk to me....knowing he isn't working on the truck around 8 or 9pm because it's too late, he still doesn't make an effort to talk to me. 

I love Jordan so much and I'm beginning to understand that I'm not having trust issues with him anymore. But what I am feeling now is that maybe with him, maybe he's enjoying being away and alone. Maybe he doesn't miss me....I mean, if he did wouldn't he text me? I had to text him that I love him, or he'd never have probably said it. 

I don't know what to do..

A Story, A Story Well Known.

Let me tell you a story. A story about a young woman with a dream. A story about a girl who just wanted to be loved and shown to be different. Someone who had ambitions to be well-known for who she was, not just a bitch. A woman that wanted to most definitely know what she wanted in a relationship beyond just the bedroom. A girl that when she needed too, she'd know when to take control. A woman who wouldn't complain about the issues in everyday. 

Well, that girl is me. I'm Patricia. The writer beyond belief. The one girl who always gets on her blog and rants about the things that bother her the most. The things she knows she can't about to other people, but can simply write to her computer. Yeah, I'm that girl. The one girl that many people hate. The one girl that can be perfectly fine with one thing, but five minutes later can be crying because of something she knows she can't be. I'm simply the girl who will talk behind someone's back because that's my own defense. It's simply my own way to cope with what hurts, to talk bad or joke. 

At the young age of eighteen, I managed to start my first semester in college, meet a guy, move in with him, get engaged, move to Richmond, KY and get pregnant. All happened during the age of eighteen! Not all a wish of mine, not one was even a thought. 

Preferences for a Girl/Guy

Preferences. Okay, so my list is longer than his!

Jordan:

• Blonde
• Blue Eyed
• Meat on Bones
• Dominatrix
• Kinky

Patricia:

• Brown Hair
• Blue/Green Eyes
• Muscles
• Tattoos --- NO Sleeve
• Piercings
• Average Sized
• Taller

Okay, so yeah my list is longer than his, but that doesn't actually make up for what I'm NOT on his list... 

:,(

All Comes Back Down to This

I really don't want to think about what I'm about to say, but I'm afraid that I'm going to wind up needing to go to therapy. I need some help or something...because everyday doesn't get better. Each day seems more like a obstacle course than a relationship anymore. It's like *you're hugging and kissing, move three spaces* then all of sudden you begin fighting and it's a game board saying *you've ran into a conflict, move back to the beginning*. I don't know what to think or do anymore...I really don't. What hurts the most is when I'm beginning to think a certain way, I can't talk to Jordan as we're having a conversation. It always leads to a conflict or a fight...I can't simply say my emotions or my problems without being shot down.

I'm losing my mind and I know I am. What hurts me the most is when I know I never acted this way before. Then all of a sudden the more I find out about one of Jordan's exes..WAIT! Why am I saying one of his exes, I mean...Anna-Leigh! When I find out more and more about her, I just begin lose more and more faith in myself. Such a viral creature in my eyes, that I do NOT know how I wind up with Jordan. Nonetheless, how in the hell he wound up with me. If I had any fantasies before, they're shot now. He was into her, he loved what she did for him, to him, whatever you want to say about those situations...

I'm nothing compared to her, but yet in my own mind I feel like I will never amount to being me. I WANT to be different, but yet all Jordan says I am is, I'm like everyone else. I'm tired of thinking of certain things in which I'm afraid of losing. In my own opinion, she is U-G-L-Y. There is no doubt about it. First off, she has the guts when Jordan and I first began dating to tell him that his old neighbor, the whole neighborhood had said I was completely ugly and fat. Well, I'm sorry if I don't live up to your whoreish ways. Yes, I rant a lot..but that doesn't help with the fact that for about three or four months now. I ONLY have dreams about her.

Dreams in which she steals Jordan back. Dreams in which I begin to feel as if I'm not going to even try to win, she offers way more than I ever could. This skinny, blonde, blue eyed, dominatrix, tramp..oops. So I added my own expression...but it's simply my own defense...I make fun of those who hurt me in more ways than one.

Jordan's never going to stick up for me or side with me in certain situations, because he's said it himself...he misses her. Maybe not in a romantic sense, but he misses her because she was once his best friend. But that help the way the he doesn't understand that everyday she hurts me in more ways than just a word. I'm obviously with a man that will never truly understand what is wrong with me, when I don't even know. How can this one girl cause me so many problems...Well, she is and they're probably never going to be treated or fixed. I bring up something to talk about that is bothering me and it's like I'm told to shut up, not literally...but emotionally I am. He doesn't want me dishing a girl that had almost wrecked my life. One girl he'd fallen in love with, one girl that was once his best friend, one girl that he was very close too, one girl who could simply control him in the way he wanted to be controlled. He doesn't understand me as well as he thinks he does. He doesn't understand how much it hurts to be silenced when it helps relieve myself from the pain she causes me everyday.

I wants this dominating girl, that I can't be. He wants this girl to be a freak, that I can't be. He wants this girl that can put him in his place, that I can't be...and what hurts about all of this...is she did it all. Why do I feel as if I'm being molded? Before we got together, I was myself. I was me, I was different. Now, all I am is like every other girl out there...except the one he wants deeply.

Dream into Story;

I woke up yesterday morning probably one of the weirdest feelings I could ever witness after a dream. My dream had felt so real and what made it so bad was the I'd had that one particular dream before at least once or twice. I figured after having the same dream more than once, it had to be a sign to begin to write a short story or maybe even a book to this dream. If you have a dream more than a once, I think it's about time to take action.
So starting today or within a couple of days, I'll be starting on my story. Maybe not long, but not too short to cause the reader to be left hanging on the edge. I had tried to begin yesterday, but failed. I figured that if I'm going to be as lonely as I'm beginning to already feel, then I guess mind as well make it worth it and keep myself occupied.