It's Getting Stronger.

It's happening...It's happening and I cannot deny it.
I'm falling for Jordan and I don't want to turn away now. I have been hurt and thrown away (literally) too many times to count that I just feel as if this is my [new] beginning that I have been waiting for in my life. I know I have talked, and talked, and talked...about multiple guys in my life throughout this selfish blog of mine, but I am beginning to feel something that I'm not sure I've felt before. It's a new feeling, it's a strong and empathetic feeling that overwhelms how I ever felt about Jacob.
I told my mother that when I'm with Jordan, it's as if Jacob never existed, once...once in my life. It has to mean something, I mean C'mon! You can't spend eleven months of your life with one man and one man only, then be so committed to him, and when someone else comes into your life it's like...'Who are you talking about? I don't know that person.'
It's a strong and powerful feeling that I get when I'm with Jordan. Just by sitting beside him and talking to him, my heart begins to pound so fast and hard that sometimes I forget what I'm doing. Being with him, it's a controllable feeling that is no longer Lust. When the day comes that I spend with Jordan, it's like the world doesn't exist around us.

I have noticed...When I'm with Jordan and the song "Stay" by Black Stone Cherry comes on, if I'm singing when I'm with him, he can see the pain in my eyes. The power of how much the words upon that song can effect me in one slight moment or verse. If I'm singing the lyrics, my eyes get pale and my lips move upon the motion...he'll lean in and grab my chin, then kiss me. I forget. I forget how I feel or even felt about Jacob. 

I've thought about it again..

I've tried to think of a million different ways that I could just close my blog and open a new one. I can't do that though, there are so many memories upon this one that I don't believe needed to be forgotten. I know there are many times that I'll begin writing and I'll just mumble, but that's what makes my blog so fascinating. Not being conceited, but it's true.
I know there have been many times that I'd just complain and write some of the worst things possible to write about, but it's just a part of my life that I like being able to go back and read about what I've done so terrible in the past. I don't know who reads this crap, nor do I even think even one person reads it. It's just a way for me to vent. A place where I can talk about anything in my life and some times I actually think that it's just a hidden passage. 

I'm the girl..

I'm the girl that you will forever hate. 

I'm the girl that everyone will hate because of her attitude and not even an apology would change that. 

I'm the girl that you will talk about behind her back.

I'm the girl that tries to hard on a relationship that will obviously never work. 

I'm the girl that is called fat on a daily basis. 

I'm the girl that puts makeup on to cover her scars.

I'm the girl that has been to Hell more than once in her lifetime. 

I'm the girl that cries when she feels like something is definitely not going to end well. 

I'm the girl that will give up. 

I'm the girl that by the end of the movie, she's the one lying in a ditch and no one cares. 

I'm the girl that while you're reading this, you're remembering that she's a nobody. 

I'm the girl that tries too hard to get the guy, but always fails. 

I'm the girl that no one feels sorry for. 

I'm the girl..

I'm just the girl. 

No one special. 

Confessions...

Confession #1:

I am scared to fall in love, again. 

Confession #2:

I am scared of sex. I'm afraid, I'm gonna get with a man that only wants one thing, then once he gets it..he'll leave. 

Confession #3:

I don't wanna go through the same thing I did two years ago. 

Confession #4:

I'm afraid to be happy because everyday that I'm happy, something terrible always comes after. 

Confession #5:

I fall for guys so quickly, but find it hard to love

Confession #6:

I'm afraid of not making someone happy

Confession #7:

I hate it when a man calls me "baby" when we're not together, because it makes me quiver with pain that, that's all we're ever gonna be. 

Confession #8:

The word "Love" has no meaning to me, until I've felt it through my heart and seen the real thing through my eyes. 

Confession #9:

I'm done making mistakes and regretting my past love life. I want to move on and be happy like I once was. 

Confession #10: 

When I am talking about my feelings, they always stay built up until I can't handle the pain any longer, then it just comes out like a book. 

Where am I supposed to Go Now?

Today? What can I really say about today? Well, it was maybe one of the best days and yet one of the worst days in my life. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine that I have been kind of involved with here recently. Our conversation started off slowly, then I progressed into telling him that I was worrying about him going on a date. He'd told me not to worry and then when I read his final words "I don't think happiness is what I'm looking for, only fun (not sex), just fun".
I began to break down. I walked out of class and began to walk to the library when he had walked out behind me. I go half way across the street and he'd told me to come back over...I didn't want too, but yet something pushed me to go back. He'd ask me what was wrong and then I just shot out telling him that I wanted to make him happy and he's scared. I'm scared, because I don't think I can love again after everything I've been through. I'm worried for the both of us. I'd began to just try to make him understand that I'm not going anywhere unless he told me to walk away...
His kiss, his touch and just him being around me is a quiver in my stomach. It's not bad, it's just a feeling I get that feels like butterflies. My heart pounds within me and sometimes I feel like I'm not breathing on air. It's like I am breathing off of our energy. Every time, I began to cry he'd tell me to stop and I would on an impact. I don't cry because he's hurting me, but because I'm scared that I'm falling for this guy and it's not going to be me in the end.
He told me, he is scared that he could possibly love me, even fall in love with me. Is it just me or does his similarity sound like mine as well? Our paths are so similar and I wanna make him happy. He's got this barrier up and doesn't want happiness because he's scared of losing it again. I don't want him to feel like he's gonna lose me. I'm not going anywhere and I've told him that. I have trust issues and he's got a fear of happiness...Can we in any way break out barriers and make ourselves believe? 

I'm scared for...Us

I am just so scared what to think anymore. I don't want to work so hard, then get rejected on what I had so much hope for. Each moment we spend together is like heaven beneath my fingers. I love how you push the hair behind my ears when it falls in my face. I love your smile and the way you tell me you're just so scared. I'm not here to make you feel lost, and I believe that you're worried, so am I. Please, don't give me any reason to not want to be with you...you're past and your past. My past is my past...and I tell you, we come with baggage. We have baggage and it needs to be worked on...I don't know what to do or say, except...I'm scared...for us. 

Untitled

I want more nights like
that one
do you?
i want to be caressed between
your fingers
do you?
i want to be wrapped
in your arms, again.
do you?
wanna lay beneath the
stars
do you?
your eyes, staring
into mine
do you want this
too?
i hope you do

Just For Me

I looked at the wall and you
were the voice I wanted to see
I laid beneath the stars 
and you're who i thought of
i covered myself with the blanket, 
wishing it was your arms grasped around me
If I were to tell you any of this...
Would you even care?
It may be lust right now
But, I can feel there is something
here
You know it, 
You've told me the same
And those words
made my heart cry out
for you

Eternal

I have this invisible wall put up
it helps keep out heartache
help keep out tragedy
i don't want to be the girl to
fall apart but,
the girl that is happy to be
yours
i can't take one more step
towards you
i can't take a risk
unless
its gonna be real
i don't want to be one of
your girls
i don't want to have a scar
on my chest
i want the eternal feeling