Thursday, August 30, 2012

Where am I supposed to Go Now?

Today? What can I really say about today? Well, it was maybe one of the best days and yet one of the worst days in my life. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine that I have been kind of involved with here recently. Our conversation started off slowly, then I progressed into telling him that I was worrying about him going on a date. He'd told me not to worry and then when I read his final words "I don't think happiness is what I'm looking for, only fun (not sex), just fun".
I began to break down. I walked out of class and began to walk to the library when he had walked out behind me. I go half way across the street and he'd told me to come back over...I didn't want too, but yet something pushed me to go back. He'd ask me what was wrong and then I just shot out telling him that I wanted to make him happy and he's scared. I'm scared, because I don't think I can love again after everything I've been through. I'm worried for the both of us. I'd began to just try to make him understand that I'm not going anywhere unless he told me to walk away...
His kiss, his touch and just him being around me is a quiver in my stomach. It's not bad, it's just a feeling I get that feels like butterflies. My heart pounds within me and sometimes I feel like I'm not breathing on air. It's like I am breathing off of our energy. Every time, I began to cry he'd tell me to stop and I would on an impact. I don't cry because he's hurting me, but because I'm scared that I'm falling for this guy and it's not going to be me in the end.
He told me, he is scared that he could possibly love me, even fall in love with me. Is it just me or does his similarity sound like mine as well? Our paths are so similar and I wanna make him happy. He's got this barrier up and doesn't want happiness because he's scared of losing it again. I don't want him to feel like he's gonna lose me. I'm not going anywhere and I've told him that. I have trust issues and he's got a fear of happiness...Can we in any way break out barriers and make ourselves believe? 

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