To wait or be Waited For

he texted me today. It wasn't good nor was it bad. My heart began to pound when he started talking to me again. Was the conversation the way I wanted it to be? No. He told me that he only wanted to be friends. It broke my heart. I really liked him and enjoyed our conversations we had. We've talked and tried to get things figured out. .We've talked about maybe....in the future. There could be a chance we can get together. You never know what the future will hold for someone. 

What do you say in a Moment like this?

Have you ever been told "it's not you, it's me"? It's like I can think....What if it did happen to me? How would I feel if I was told it wasn't me, it was him? I'd be thinking...someone was full of shit. That is like one of the oldest things in the book to say to someone just to get out of a relationship. It isn't the smartest thing to pull; but, some times people think it's the best thing to do.
Well, lately...everything for me. It always seems to me that every time I post something on my blog, everything is fine; but, then I'm posting of how it was ended too. I'm tired. I'm not dealing with the pain any longer than I have too.
Everything was fine. A couple of days ago, well almost a week now...I broke up with Dylan. Yes, finally after everything that we'd been through and all the pain he'd been giving me. I'd broke up with him. I felt like he hadn't changed anything about himself. When, me and him were together, it's like I had this feeling that something was going on. I just didn't know what it was.
What do you say in a moment like this? I just wish. If God would allow me to make one wish for the rest of my life...It'd be that I wish everything would be alright with me. Stop this searching for the right one. I've tried multiple times and it's always turned out to be nothing but a terrible experience. God. If only God would let me choose the perfect guy. I'd choose a guy that I've met recently. He seemed and was the perfect guy. I don't want to be feeling this pain in looking for the "one". I want to wake up in the morning and have him holding me in his arms.
What do you say in a moment like this? When you can't find the words? A moment of silence. A moment where I can just close my eyes and for once, let my heart lead the way.
I met this guy. His name is Jacob. I met him and everything seemed so un-real. I had just met him; but, I felt like I've known him for years. I didn't feel a single touch of fear. I like(d) him so; but, something went wrong. Something that just caused him not want to talk to me. It makes me wonder...and it keeps me praying that maybe, it's just for now. I just need to give him time. Give myself time as well. I had only known him for a day; but, everything seemed to wonderful and I loved it. Then, now it's at the point where when I get a text message...I'm hoping, it's him. It's not and I feel like I've fallen apart a little more each time I breathe.
I talked to my brother (best friend) Josh on the phone about everything in my life. I had told him how I have felt and how it felt like everything was falling apart around me..and I had this feeling, this feeling that maybe it wasn't worth anything anymore. I missed Jacob already and didn't want to just let it go. I couldn't bare the feeling. I have to do something. 

Leadership of a Horoscope

My horoscope for September 20, 2011; "Just when you thought the fun was over, the universe will let you know in no uncertain terms that it's only just begun. Expect an invitation from a dear, trusted friend -- and don't you dare 
refuse it."


I am the type of girl that will believe in the horoscope's. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe in the alternate life of the universe. Now, if I believe in all this and this happens. What could my obvious horoscope possibly mean? It tends to scare me sometimes because I'm not sure where my life is leading me. Sometimes, i want to scream. I don't know what to do with my life nor do I know where it's heading. All I know is...Until now, I have made the wrong decisions; but, I'm on the warpath tonight. I've made my decision and without my friend Josh, I could not have understood it all. 

Short Bio? I Guess So.

Short Bio? I Guess So; What about me? Well, I'm Patricia. People call me, P.C. or Courtney. I am a Senior at CCHS. Class of 2012. I'm currently Single. -->Photographer i'm done with life; so when you call me and i don't answer..it's because technically, i am away from the world. i'm done with everything. no more understanding or trying to fix things. i never succeed. check my answering machine. it's always free. someone lied, when they said God has a plan for us. i'm now a non-believer. i have lost so many things in my life and it can't just be me. God has a big part in people's lives and apparently...he has left mine. i'm dead to the world now. no longer am i available for anything or anyone. goodbye; 9/18/2011 r.i.p patricia courtney. hello. new world. LOVE; Writing Drawing Singing Music Being with friends. -the greatest thing you'll ever learn is, just to love and be loved in return;

Quotes I made; HURT

These are status updates of mine that I made when I was hurt from so much happening.

1. 

I don't believe anymore. 
I don't believe that I have a chosen path. 
I don't believe that God has a plan for me. 
I don't believe that I'm mean to be happy. 
I made decisions and they have lead to where I'm at. 
I'm alone. 
I'm lost. 
I have no life to which to think of being loved;

2. 

I just wish...That God would stop takin everythin good in my life away. Do you not see that this is excrucciating?

3. 

i hate how everytime i try to have somethin good...somethin goes wrong!!!

4. 

I can't trust you as far as I can throw you, and I can't throw you very far. 

Never did I think;

I never thought I would walk down that dirt road path again; but, I did. 
I never thought that when I looked down at my paper, I'd see your name upon the page. 
I never thought I would turn around and look at the dirt turned on the road and hear your voice upon my shoulder. 
I never....
I never though, I'd feel like the world was falling down, until you walked out and left nothing but a one last "Goodbye" 


Written by: Patricia Walker

I'm Sorry...

I'm sorry if I'm not perfect
I'm sorry if every day of my life, I can't make you happy
I'm sorry that I am me
I'm sorry that everything I do, doesn't seem to be enough
I'm sorry, that when I said "I care"...I didn't lie
most of all, I'm sorry...you didn't believe me. 


Written by: Patricia Walker

No More...

No More Counting...
No More Making Plans...
No More "I Love You"...
I'm not making the same mistakes this time around. I'm not counting the days we've been together, nor am I going to make plans into the future (a few months ahead). I'm not making those same mistakes once again. I feel like if I am too make the same type of mistakes as I did before, then it'll end up bad for me. I fell in love the first time that I was with Dylan; but, those feelings are not showing. I'm not showing or saying I love you. I am simply just going on with everyday as if we're a new couple.
I feel as if something is going on and I feel as if I cannot make a plan or plan on doing something. I am living it day by day, I'm not looking forward into anything, the only thing I am doing...is living everyday with Dylan as a regular day in the book. I can't expect much from him, and I can't expect things to last. All I can say and look forward to at the moment would be...Let each day be a surprise. 

Thinking of which?

Okay, so maybe I am going nuts. I do not know what is going on or what I could be feeling; but, I have this strange feeling out of no where that something is going on. Maybe, I'm feeling or thinking of something that I shouldn't. I feel as if something is going on, not directly in a bad way; but, like something is happening. I feel like this only temporary. Why? I'm not sure. I don't know why I'm having these feelings like this isn't going to last forever. I don't want to lose this feeling that I have created and worked so hard for, it isn't easy trying to ignore the worst; but, sometimes you feel as if it's your only option.