I feel like I've lost all sense of hope. Like I can't breathe for the time and I don't know how to catch the oxygen I need. I feel betrayed and I don't know how to stand back up. I thought I was showing some improvement, finally after being so self-conscious about being able to please my man and not feel like second best...and I'm betrayed. I'm the woman he says he loves more than anything, the woman he's fallen more madly in love with than he has with any other girl. He'd never cheated before, he'd never done it. And then I cause him to cheat on me. Yes, I did say cause. All of this wound up being my fault and I regret it just as much as I regret finding out.
I had told him multiple times that I was afraid he'd cheat. All I ever done was told him that I was afraid of him cheating because I didn't feel like I was making him happy. And I was trying so hard, so, so hard for us to work and for me to be able to please my fiance'. Not taking into consideration that I was 30 weeks pregnant and I was still trying my hardest to please my man. Not taking into consideration that I couldn't do much, but I was trying. Telling him day after day that I loved him and didn't want to lose him and I feel like I'm not enough anymore.
I got a taste of my own medicine of what happens when I try too hard to love the person. What happens when I try to tell my feelings of how much I'm hurting and how much I'm scared that I'll lose the man I love. Pushing him to make the decisions he's made. It may have not been sex that happened, but it was the intention. Everything had been going on for a month, just last month and I feel like I've lost a piece of me. Their relation(ship) had lasted a month without me even knowing it, but I knew it all a long, I was just denied the opportunity to even really find out. All of this happens beneath my nose and I'm told every day that I'm wrong. They never had sexy, but they kissed. They sexted about what they wanted to do with one another, he'd even left me the night that they were going to have sex while I was sleeping.
I cuddled up to him that night, kissed him goodnight and laid on his chest like I did every night. He'd wrap his arms around me and I'd just fall asleep in this grasp. Only to wake up in the middle of night to find him gone from our bed. I looked around and no where was he to be found. That night was so perfectly played because I was asleep with the intentions that my fiance still loved me and wouldn't ever hurt me.
For months, I've been trying to make things better for us and our relationship. I've been trying to tell him that I was to do things he enjoys and become more open sexually. Keeping in mind that I'm pregnant and I'm still going hard to try to open up and do things for him...and he has the need to find sexual desire elsewhere. I feel so lost and hurt that I'm numb. I'm honestly not having any actual emotion right now that could describe what I'm feeling.
Where do I go from here? I want us to pick back up and be happy, but I'm afraid now I'm just not doing that. I want to start over, I mean completely over like beginning stage...I can't handle just picking the pieces up and continuing this puzzle. What am I going to do now? How do I simply just forget this, and how do I tell him and make him understand that it's hurting me more than it'd ever hurt him. The guilt he's feeling is nothing compared to the pain I'm feeling. How I felt like I was good enough for him and he needed to give me the taste of my own doing. He had to give me the everlasting fear of not being good enough. If I didn't feel like I was good enough before...for my own fiance. I do now.
I have to face and I should have faced along time ago. I'm with a Man-Whore. Not a man that "was" but a man that "is" and forever will be. I'm the first girl he cheated on. And now I'm afraid of getting any closer because I feel just like I have in any other relationship where the guy cheated on me. Except now I feel like those women on TV that try too hard and get betrayed. Now feeling like I have no road to continue on. I don't want to lose my fiance, I just think now we can't continue the way we have. We can't just pick up and continue onto this path we've chosen. We owe our daughter to have a loving family and I don't want to lose it. She doesn't deserve to grow up with a split family (like I've worried about this whole time).
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