pathetic copy cats

You know there is a time when I can hold in stuff and do things my own way; but, what really sets me off is when you want to make a change or something. A person automatically suspects that you're copying them. Hello? You're not the only one in the whole dang world and no, just because someone wants to do something doesn't mean they're copying you, dear. You're the last person on this earth I'd ever want to copy. 

Hurry...

I'm booked; I'm so ready for this week to be over and for Spring Break to begin. This weekend, April 1st, I will be staying a couple days with my grandparent's to spend time with them and my wonderful little cousin, Mollie. I haven't stayed with them in awhile. I'm going to stay up there on Friday and come home either Monday or Tuesday. I'm not sure yet...Then Wednesday is my birthday. Yeah! April 6th. This should be an awesome week though..because On April 6, it's just going to be a normal day. Then on April 8th, I am having my party; but, On Saturday, Me and my parent's are going to Florence to spend a family birthday together....Sunday, I'm staying with my grandparent's to have a birthday with them. It's going to be all sorts of fun. . .

Wordle....A Collage of my Blog

This is a wordle project that I created and it was a collage of my blog and words that I used. 

S-S-Seventeen

In just a few days time I will turning 17. This was a photo of my mom on her Seventeenth birthday. Today being March 26, 2011. I have exactly 11 days until I turn the big One, Seven. It so weird to look at a photo of your parent's or even grandparent's and then look at yourself in the mirror and see how much a like or how different you look from them. I love my mom and dad so much and I honestly cannot sit here and believe that in less than a year, I'll be graduating and be off away from home. It doesn't scare me as to how much older and how much I'm changing; but, I think it scares my parent's the most.
To be turning another year older isn't just another year in your life; It's a way of life and another step towards destiny. Another step towards your fate and another way for you to become the responsible person you're destined to be.

Love*

Well as I began to write, I struggled so hard to get past the first line. How can someone like me believe in love so much and everything it stands for, if i finally begin to feel it for myself and it's ripped from my grasp? How can I go on believing in the ways of love, if now I'm beginning to wish I never did? To wish I never believed in it and I wouldn't be hurt right now. What am I suppose to do if for the past few nights I've cried myself to sleep? Thinking I could finally be happy and it's taken from me. To have true feelings for someone and they return the same feelings or lie to you to make you happy. My beliefs on love have changed so much and right now. I'm not sure I believe anything. Love is just a painful experience that never truly gets returned. You can't take it back. Once you've fallen, your stuck in love. And it really makes me wonder when I can get over it. Because there is no going back now, and it scares me to say that I'm trying, but getting no where. 


Written by: 
Courtney Walker


[March 25, 2011] 

A Break-Up & A Sad Song

On March 22, 2011; Dylan and I broke up. I don't understand it. I thought everything was going fine; but, he broke up with me without any explanation. I had went to his house a few hours earlier that day after school and I could tell something was up. He didn't say I'll see you tomorrow or even a good-bye kiss like he always gave me. We text throughout the time being that I had left his house. It was good just talking him; but, later that night he text me saying "we need to talk" and next thing I knew, he texts me back and says "it's over". I asked if I had done something wrong and he told me no. I asked him why he wanted to break up and all he told me was that I wouldn't understand. Now, we broke up and all I knew was, I was heartbroken. 

I'm the type of person that does not believe that you can fall in love with someone after only a week, month or even sometimes a few months, almost a year. My beliefs is that I don't think it's possible; but, for someone like me not to believe that, I feel as if I did fall in love. I felt as if I did fall for a great guy and that I would be happy. Dating Dylan was the best thing that had happened to me in the longest time. I was finally happy and coming out of my depression. I was finally going somewhere, even making my life better for myself and others. 

Later, that night I just text him back with an "Okay!" and he didn't text back. He waiting about an hour later before he sent me a message saying "I'm an Ass Hole". I knew that he was being an asshole; but, all I could do was ask him why he thought he was; all he told me was, because i know i am. I never talked to him again that night. I was so hurt and felt like I had been ripped apart. I screamed. I cried myself to sleep that night and I didn't know what I was going to do the next day. I have tried to make it seem like it doesn't bother me; but, it's getting so hard to pretend anymore. It hurts more and more everyday. 

I have tried and tried to make it seem like it doesn't hurt me; but, I'm so scared right now and I feel as if I have no reasoning. It's not the term of being useless; it's just a feeling that I have right now that I don't feel like I can move an inch. An inch, right now feels like a mile.

I cried and cried trying to make myself feel better and all I could do was listen to the song "Nothing Compares 2 U" I woke up the next morning and apparently I was crying in my sleep; My pillow was soaked with tears I had cried. What do I do now? Go to sleep every night, thinking of what could have been and sleeping along side my build-a-bear, once again! 

A day with Dylan

Yesterday; I spent time with Dylan...and Samuel. After school, Me and Samuel walked downtown to meet Dylan and then we went to the restaurant to get something to eat. Of course, I wasn't really in an all good mood. I was quite aggravated. Afterwards; We walked to the college to put my backpack in my dad's truck and I had to change my pants; Yes, I split my pants. Well, Then we walked to the library and it's not even the fun part. We met Stephan there and we began to talk for a bit. I started to get really bored with just sitting around waiting for nothing to happen so I walked over the old stone jail house.
After about five minutes there, Dylan finally walked over and we walked back to his house. We sat outside for a bit, then we began throwing a softball at one another. Of course, he lives on the side of a bank so I had to go down over the hill multiple times. It began to get really fun, when I was throwing the bad at him and I brought four other balls back up the hill with me. Then, it got fun for me when we just began talking; I always am satisfied just by spending time with him, it makes my day. Just him holding me, made me feel better.
When it got to be 6:00pm, I had totally forgotten that I had to be down at the college when my dad got out of school; but, my dad found me anyway, so I didn't have to worry about walking all the way back downtown. I began to have stomach pains really bad and I developed a headache on the way home. I felt like I was going to get sick multiple times; but, I didn't. I took like four Advil and two TUMS; but, nothing seemed to ease my stomach. Then, I got something to eat, maybe thinking that I was hungry. It didn't help. I took a nice long soothing bath; but, that didn't help. Makes me wonder if I'm going to end up getting sick. I have felt sick ever since yesterday and now I feel like it.

Valentine's Day?

Valentine's Day?
February 14...There is a serious question that has pondered in my mind for some time now. How is it that someone like me can believe in all the level's of "Love" but hate's the fact of Valentine's day. The one day of the year where "Love" comes alive. The day couple ponder together and tell each other of how much they mean to one another. I believe in the whole fact of "Love", but I just can't get myself to overcome this day of compassion and hope. I've often thought of it as maybe I don't like the day because it hurt's me to see people with those they love. Maybe, it's the description of how much they show affection towards one another. I honestly can say that I love the bond between me and family; but, the bond between someone and another, it's heartbreaking. What's the point of Valentine's day? Honestly? If there is no one to show and share it with, then why do some of us have to wait and suffer in the shadow's like there is no return of hope for us.
Thinking about all the wonder's of "Love" and compassion make's me wonder and think. Why do I hate Valentine's day so much? What has brought me to this? What has turned my heart of pure blood and worthiness, to stone and ice. This isn't the part where I go crazy and say this is the point where I wish I was with someone and had to someone to love me like other's love each other. This is just a innocent prompt stating my wonder's of why do I feel the way I do. 

Feelings? Fading...

Conclusions. Coming to these Conclusions have sent me to believe that it was wrong. I shouldn't have given myself hope when I feel like I've just been ripped apart. To the soul of which I never knew I had, I couldn't believe how I would feel when I came to the truth. How can you love someone and treat them like dirt? How can you go for hours thinking it is going to wind up great, but turns into dust? How is someone to feel this way if they never knew they had feelings. What is there to this thing they call "love"? Can you automatically have feelings for someone you never liked? Can you just form these feelings and believe they will start to progress? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm done. No more. I'm tired of thinking something is going to happen when I just feel the same afterwards. I'm dating dealing! I'm done trying. .