Jordan's Gone.

So you'd think that when it comes to spending 24/7 with someone, taking the time away would be nice to have! But no, that isn't what has happened. I'm stuck at the apartment with my parents, as Jordan is gone to his dad's to work on his truck. 

Last night Jordan's brother came and got him. Now, he's three hours away and I haven't spoken but maybe three times to him. That's it! The only reason he's even spoken to me is because I'd texted him first. It's like he doesn't want to talk to me....knowing he isn't working on the truck around 8 or 9pm because it's too late, he still doesn't make an effort to talk to me. 

I love Jordan so much and I'm beginning to understand that I'm not having trust issues with him anymore. But what I am feeling now is that maybe with him, maybe he's enjoying being away and alone. Maybe he doesn't miss me....I mean, if he did wouldn't he text me? I had to text him that I love him, or he'd never have probably said it. 

I don't know what to do..

A Story, A Story Well Known.

Let me tell you a story. A story about a young woman with a dream. A story about a girl who just wanted to be loved and shown to be different. Someone who had ambitions to be well-known for who she was, not just a bitch. A woman that wanted to most definitely know what she wanted in a relationship beyond just the bedroom. A girl that when she needed too, she'd know when to take control. A woman who wouldn't complain about the issues in everyday. 

Well, that girl is me. I'm Patricia. The writer beyond belief. The one girl who always gets on her blog and rants about the things that bother her the most. The things she knows she can't about to other people, but can simply write to her computer. Yeah, I'm that girl. The one girl that many people hate. The one girl that can be perfectly fine with one thing, but five minutes later can be crying because of something she knows she can't be. I'm simply the girl who will talk behind someone's back because that's my own defense. It's simply my own way to cope with what hurts, to talk bad or joke. 

At the young age of eighteen, I managed to start my first semester in college, meet a guy, move in with him, get engaged, move to Richmond, KY and get pregnant. All happened during the age of eighteen! Not all a wish of mine, not one was even a thought. 

Preferences for a Girl/Guy

Preferences. Okay, so my list is longer than his!

Jordan:

• Blonde
• Blue Eyed
• Meat on Bones
• Dominatrix
• Kinky

Patricia:

• Brown Hair
• Blue/Green Eyes
• Muscles
• Tattoos --- NO Sleeve
• Piercings
• Average Sized
• Taller

Okay, so yeah my list is longer than his, but that doesn't actually make up for what I'm NOT on his list... 

:,(

All Comes Back Down to This

I really don't want to think about what I'm about to say, but I'm afraid that I'm going to wind up needing to go to therapy. I need some help or something...because everyday doesn't get better. Each day seems more like a obstacle course than a relationship anymore. It's like *you're hugging and kissing, move three spaces* then all of sudden you begin fighting and it's a game board saying *you've ran into a conflict, move back to the beginning*. I don't know what to think or do anymore...I really don't. What hurts the most is when I'm beginning to think a certain way, I can't talk to Jordan as we're having a conversation. It always leads to a conflict or a fight...I can't simply say my emotions or my problems without being shot down.

I'm losing my mind and I know I am. What hurts me the most is when I know I never acted this way before. Then all of a sudden the more I find out about one of Jordan's exes..WAIT! Why am I saying one of his exes, I mean...Anna-Leigh! When I find out more and more about her, I just begin lose more and more faith in myself. Such a viral creature in my eyes, that I do NOT know how I wind up with Jordan. Nonetheless, how in the hell he wound up with me. If I had any fantasies before, they're shot now. He was into her, he loved what she did for him, to him, whatever you want to say about those situations...

I'm nothing compared to her, but yet in my own mind I feel like I will never amount to being me. I WANT to be different, but yet all Jordan says I am is, I'm like everyone else. I'm tired of thinking of certain things in which I'm afraid of losing. In my own opinion, she is U-G-L-Y. There is no doubt about it. First off, she has the guts when Jordan and I first began dating to tell him that his old neighbor, the whole neighborhood had said I was completely ugly and fat. Well, I'm sorry if I don't live up to your whoreish ways. Yes, I rant a lot..but that doesn't help with the fact that for about three or four months now. I ONLY have dreams about her.

Dreams in which she steals Jordan back. Dreams in which I begin to feel as if I'm not going to even try to win, she offers way more than I ever could. This skinny, blonde, blue eyed, dominatrix, tramp..oops. So I added my own expression...but it's simply my own defense...I make fun of those who hurt me in more ways than one.

Jordan's never going to stick up for me or side with me in certain situations, because he's said it himself...he misses her. Maybe not in a romantic sense, but he misses her because she was once his best friend. But that help the way the he doesn't understand that everyday she hurts me in more ways than just a word. I'm obviously with a man that will never truly understand what is wrong with me, when I don't even know. How can this one girl cause me so many problems...Well, she is and they're probably never going to be treated or fixed. I bring up something to talk about that is bothering me and it's like I'm told to shut up, not literally...but emotionally I am. He doesn't want me dishing a girl that had almost wrecked my life. One girl he'd fallen in love with, one girl that was once his best friend, one girl that he was very close too, one girl who could simply control him in the way he wanted to be controlled. He doesn't understand me as well as he thinks he does. He doesn't understand how much it hurts to be silenced when it helps relieve myself from the pain she causes me everyday.

I wants this dominating girl, that I can't be. He wants this girl to be a freak, that I can't be. He wants this girl that can put him in his place, that I can't be...and what hurts about all of this...is she did it all. Why do I feel as if I'm being molded? Before we got together, I was myself. I was me, I was different. Now, all I am is like every other girl out there...except the one he wants deeply.