Stop lying to Yourselves

I don't understand life anymore. I truly don't even understand the idea of the universe anymore. Everyday we're expected to learn from society and make it better, but we have all of these people in politics whom are destroying it more and more everyday. We have the government constantly telling us they're trying to help us and making life a better thing to cherish. That's all a lie and they know. They lie to get into congress and then they destroy us as human beings. As long as they get to live their lives and drive their fancy cars, they don't care how they treat us. They've got it made. We're suffering. And in today's society, we're killing each other without warning. Today its easier to get a way with murder than it is to pass your classes.

Now its easier for someone to not care about how discreet they are just go out and do as they please. And in this day and age, you have all of these teenagers getting pregnant and getting abortions. No one values their lives nonetheless others that they may carry or create. Now we have these Polyamory relationships where there are more than just two in a relationship. What was that old saying? "There is a soulmate for everyone." What if that's actually true? But wait, you have these three to five to six people in one relationship and it takes away from the others. People don't care about what they do to others anymore. No one cares about how our government is just deteriorating. I just cannot understand how people can sit back and let this world to Hell and Shit. I can't handle it.

Start over

Going through my blog, it really depresses me. I have made posts after posts after posts about how I need to turn my blog around and make it better. I've stated multiple times that I don't want to create a new blog because this one holds a lot of memories. And its true. But if I'm going to actually turn this blog around, I have to be honest. I have no clue where to go from here..

I Just Wish It Were Easier, You Know?

I wish I could say I'm happy, but then I'd be lying to the universe. I'm not happy with myself and I can't get through any day anymore. I'm constantly stressed and I live the life at home. I don't get out and do anything, I don't have any friends. I just stay home and take care of my fifteen month old daughter and be the dream that I wished to fulfill. I'm a stay-at-home mom. I wouldn't trade this job for anything and yes, being a stay at home mom is a job. I don't care what anyone has to say about that. Being a stay at home mom is a hard job and it's a complicated one as well. All I do is clean, cook, and take care of Evailyne.
I have no friends to run to for when I'm upset or having a hard time. My boyfriend is always at work and I don't like bothering him with my problems anyway. My life is just too hard. I'm stressed mainly about my weight here lately and I have to be honest. I just don't have the mindset to lose weight. I can't exercise and I won't even pretend like I can. I can't stand the idea and I just make myself sick from even thinking of it. I've tried to begin eating healthier, but that doesn't work too well for me when all I buy is unhealthy foods. I don't do it on purpose. I just don't watch what I'm buying. I pick up one healthy item and the unhealthy one outweighs the good. I just can't do it anymore. I'm so stressed over losing weight that I think I've stressed myself so much into gaining weight. All I know is over the past three weeks, I've almost doubled in size. I can't handle it anymore. I might as well just give into my problems. Let them overpower me.

"You have no power over me." Yeah right. I guess Sarah had more of a mindset afterall. I can't and I just won't.

Update from Me? It's been a While I'm sorry.

Alright, so I'm really sorry. It's been so long since I've written on my blog and lately I've been going pretty nuts. I guess I've just resulted to putting everything on my tumblr and my private tumblr that I'm forgotten about my blog. This is HOME. This is where I need to be written. Free spirited writing and free mind to the world. This is where I feel the most at peace.

Anyways, I've been dealing with a lot lately and I don't know where to start. I'm sick, that much I can tell you and I don't know what I'm supposed to be at this point anymore. I haven't told anyone anything about whats wrong with me except my mother. I didn't want to tell anyone, but it just came out. Then, I still haven't told my boyfriend. I don't know how to tell him or anyone else because I'm just fed up with dealing with drama and negativity when it comes to me. Sometimes I truly feel like I'm a wasted space because all I ever hear from people is that I'm just complaining, so I've learned my lesson and I've began to keep my mouth shut.

The pain has been going on for about a month now. Well three weeks, give or take a few days. It started in my legs when I'm sitting down or laying down. I can't stay still for no longer than five or ten minutes at a time without there being a shooting pain going from my hips down to my toes. Then it feels like (a bad comparison) my leg is getting frozen off, like its freezer burnt. Then there's the shooting pain in my chest that makes it hard for me to breathe. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. Even though I admit I was quite the person to constantly be sick in high school, I feel as if its all coming back to me now. When I graduated, I was never sick and then I got pregnant and well I guess you can figure how sick I was. Then after that I became Anemic and it just seems like I haven't been healthy since. I don't know what I'm even doing anymore...I just want to be healthy and at this point I feel its impossible.

Is Hurts Bad

This is my list. 

You may be sitting there reading this and thinking, "okay, what list? And why is she writing it?" Well, the truth is...this is for me to really be able to understand and see what is and isn't still going on. 

-I miss waking up every morning with Jordan standing or sitting over top of me. I miss every second of it. Now I wake up every morning for two reasons. For one, I wake up way earlier than jordan does now. And for two, I guess Jordan just doesn't feel a need to want to do it anymore. 

-I miss going to Butler. Why? Because Butler is where we shared our first kiss and this where "we" started. A lot has to do with that day where we spent the first night together underneath the stars. Whenever go to a butler anymore and to be honest we haven't been there since before I was pregnant. We tried when I was five months pregnant, but that night just didn't play out the right way. 

-I miss when we'd write letters back and forth to each other. I really hurts me in a way I guess because I love letters so much and Jordan hasn't written me a letter since November 5, 2012. I've written him multiple letters, but all I'd get afterwards was him talking to me in person. No feeling on paper or anything of the sort. It just hurts me so bad because I have to ask for such things without getting them any time of the day. 

I have to get myself to realize something. I'm not going to get some things that is want, even fi they're the most simplest things...because Jordan doesn't like it. It just hurts me because he would always write poems about or for anna-Leigh. And now I don't get a single thing...

Writing My Story or Ours?

I'm wanting to begin writing my biography soon. I've been to Hell and  back and I most definitely believe that it's about time began writing it. I've been through so much in the last four years and yes. I do say four years. From the moment I turned fifteen my life has been on a downward spiral and it's been never ending. Right when I always thought that my life looking up, it'd always crash down on top of me. 

I'm wanting to begin writing it, but the sad part is...I can never know where I should start. The beginning? You may say, but it's harder than it looks. There are many beginnings to my story. The true question is, where is the beginning?  Do I just truly try with my life and when it began to crash down? Or do I begin with my relationship with Jordan? 

I've already said it. I am going to write "our" story. I feel it's a love story that needs to be told. We met last year on August 13th, began seeing each other in August 27th, officially started dating on October 3rd, got engaged on November 10, and then found out we were having a baby on November 21st. So you see, our story is a very well fastened life, but wouldn't trade a bit of it for the world. We've had our rough patches, so rough that you'd think we were married for twenty years. But I love him and were a wonderful family with our daughter, Evailyne. 

So, the question is....

Should I begin my story or our story? 

New job, more pain.

Jordan starts his new job tonight. He's going to begin working at this factory that is about an hour drive all together to get there. Hell be working 7:30pm to 6am...I'm just so worried. Everything that happened in April and May that carried over to me finding out in June...I'm really worried and scared that this is the end. 

He knows that I can't trust him right now, but it just scares me that we ain't going to make it past this and he will wind up losing me. 

No Effect

I went through her deviant again. Yes, I know I'm just hurting myself when I do it. But I can't help myself. I see how Jordan once loved her and for once in my life, once in our relationship, going to her profile didnt effect me. I went through her pictures and I began to smile. It no longer hurts me to see her pictures because deep down inside I know Jordan still loves her and I'm never going to change that. 

Today, Jordan got home from work and I had been upset since yesterday because of how he never responded to me when I had said that it was two girls that he had gotten a ride from to get to work. Well, I honestly haven't cared about a single thing today. Its like all my feelings have faded and nothing is effecting me. All my caring for a single thing he had done, I was no longer crying over him. Just plain going off on him. Like nothing mattered anymore and it was like I could care less. 

One Year of Knowing

Nearly two days. Nearly two days and Jordan and I will have known each other for a year. Doesn't really make a big change to our lives, just think its a wonder on how much someone can change in just one year. We've changed so much in the past year that us hard to believe that we're even still the same person. Actually no, we're not the same people. We've changed. We're different and sometimes I wish we could be who we once were..